remember when a year ago felt like a really long time?

remember when running and singing and screaming was the only thing to fix the hurt?

do you remember when the pain was stronger than your pulse?

those nights you wanted to cut it away

sign away your life in deep crimson.

I can remember those days

the ones when I got hurt more than i could count

and every once in awhile i would be destroyed by liars

you promised to always be there

to never hurt me

I hope karma never forgets your name

because baby, you hurt me

bad.

remember the little white moth I saved?

I remember the time you flipped your truck

I never got to know you well enough

and it's pathetic

but I miss you

when we learned "my heart will go on" on the recorder

it meant a lot to me

but the marks on my arm spoke louder than any word that could ever come out of your mouth

you hurt me

you molested my hopes and dreams

and tore my porcelain future apart

do you remember me?

I can never forget you

your height

your eyes

the things your fingers told me

and the things mine did to recreate you

I lived in fear

always in fear

you broke it

the line that kept me tied to life

the life support from trust and honesty and good judgement

its never too late to say you're sorry

I called

I texted

I messaged

I met you in person

and to everyone I might have ever hurt, I told them I was sorry

and they either shrugged, or forgave me

and it was scary

but it is never

ever

too late

as long as you're heart is still beating, keep your lips moving

say what you mind wants you to

make love to the darkness

weep to the sun

and never forget to say you're sorry.

serotonin

I want to be new again

not broken or scarred

I want to feel whole

and comforted

and understood

and happy

shit, do I want to feel happy

no the normal smile and cheer

I have plenty of that

I want this dark, endless mind to settle

wake up

see the colors and breathe them in

maybe i am just doomed to try and fix things

but its not like i ever can

I just try til my heart bleeds out.

as you shoot across the sky

I have been all over lately

up and down, covington, kirkland, seatac

all over

I cant stay in one place

my mind is full to the top

I need someone

I always have

but people usually fade out in a matter of months

sometimes years

it is usually a good amount of my help

I give up on people

because they dont put in enough

I think I found someone to stay with me

I want an older brother

a guide, someone to help me

to learn from

I just need to do this, and not worry what others will think

I need someone

and for a long time I disabled that

because boyfriends get uncomfortable

but baby

I need this

I just wanna be told I kick more ass than every other girl you've ever met.

drowning

falling

I just cant pick me up

I cant swim

I need someones help

but every ones hands are falling off

they keep speaking, but their words turn into bubbles and pop

nothing is real

nothing happens

I keep falling

letting my unorganized life take over

letting my disorders take over

no one sees

and I cant get myself to speak to save my life

I hurt so much

so so so so much

every emotion, every plan that falls through

every step hurts

but it doesn't matter

i don't matter

nothing matters.

If I drank, I would be drunk right now

if I did drugs, Kurt and I would be talking right now

but I don't like that shit

so I am going to go cry and fall asleep on a wet pillow

and you're going to think nothing of this blog.

p.s. I am loosing my Christmas spirit

you say you love me

but right now

you need to prove it.

sorry I am a big ugly mistake

I'll leave you alone now.

I was just trying to be a good person.

thought release; engage.

I want to write a thousand letters

I want to tell you every thought that has ever crossed my mind

I want to fall asleep at a normal hour, for once

I would enjoy making better money

I want to kiss you in a field of tall grass

and make love near a lake under moonlight

I don't want you to ever leave

you're the closest thing I have ever had to an older brother

you're the best friend I have ever had

you could improve

you need to believe in yourself a little more

i need you here with me

you're my super glue

and I'm never putting you down

my body and I

my accomplishments

my downfalls

my beauty.

it's all here. right here, on my body.

I have been through a lot in this vessel

this machine

this construct of bones and flesh and muscle

I have hurt myself

cutting flesh

mutilating insides

destroying dreams

picking skin

bitting nails

ripping hair

eating disorders

broken bones

ripped tendons

open wounds in my heart.

I have done so much to myself

I used to depend on people to depend on me

I lived off of it, breathed it

"maybe if I fix them, my problems go away"

I was wrong

I was terrible

and I hurt

me.

the worst thing you can do is hurt yourself

and I did it

I sometimes still do, little things, when I am not thinking

if it hurts, why do I still do this?

people still love me

live off of my help

my words

my breath

but I cant seem to grasp that.

I dont need to live your life and fix your problems

it just creates more for me

but I need you.

creepy dreams

I don't like anything that is considered supernatural

I had my little spiff with it when I was younger, I loved it and followed it around

but now it just creeps me the fudge out.

I had a dream last week about driving in Seattle, and I am trying to get somewhere, but I turn at a light an am in the wrong lane. When I realize I either need to reverse or plummet into cars then a bay, I screech on my breaks to gtfo, but when I turn my head to check behind me, the scene changes

and I am at this park looking thing, on a jump that (apparently) a bunch of idiots and red necks jump their shitty vehicles off of. after getting hit by a truck, I am launched onto the ground and cut a bunch. after arguing, I somehow wind up in factory and keep having these weird gosty night vision dream flash backs.

I am looking up at a box on a forklift

A man in a hoodie is picking out a pipe and beating it on his hand

then a door with big HAZARD DO NOT ENTER signs on it

there are more, I just cant remember them yet

I had the dream again tonight.

this dream started out the same, but I had a huge German Shepard with me, and I greatly piss off the idiots with the car ramp, but as they are beating my brains out two guys come over and help me out.

I appear back in the factory, have the little dream flashback deals, and I find the pipe the guy picks out, and upon beating it upon my palm, I hear the same little sound I do when I have that vision. upon enspecting the inside of the pipe, I see a key taped to it. one of the guys (who amazingly look a lot like Jay and Silent Bob) gets a coat hanger and gets it out, and I have a vision of said big door, and then one of a weird cabin.

That is where I woke up and freaked out, because I have had dreams like these as a kid, and in the door (back then) there was this little graveyard with a bunch of history secrets in it, but this time the door is in another place, and the people are different.

I just know I am not a fan of waking up after sleeping for 3 hours to not wanting to move in bed and wanting to crawl in with your mom and cry yourself to sleep

I dont know why that dream freaks me out, it just really does.

thanks for reading my half coherent words

Thanksgiving

I am thankful for my dad. As a child, my dad was never who I wanted him to be, and he never seemed to want three brats running around. as I got older, he got colder, and everything he said hurt. when I dyed my hair, he wouldn't look at me. When I pierced my lip, he wouldn't talk to me. I started feeling a bit more understanding when my brother followed my path. He didn't hate me, he just didn't like anything out of his square. one day, after the torment of not being his star, year after year, I gave up. I didn't have to see him, it was up to me now, because of the divorce. I stopped asking him to come over, as did James, and when only my older sister wanted to see him, he got the hint. Something hit him at age 44, he realized his kids didn't want to see him because of how cold he was. He started accepting people for who they were, not who they wanted to be. He now sees two guys holding hands, shrugs, and says "its what they want to do, let them".

I am thankful for what I call his recovery. I enjoy having a father, and every day it's getting better.

I am thankful for my mom, because even when my sister points out her weaknesses and faults, I can only point out how she took care of us, always wanted us to be happy, and tried year after year to push us to be better. I love the fact that we had little money, but she would take us shopping to cheer us up. she would work mornings, and come home to a house full of screaming brats because our dad wouldn't feed us. she would make us lunch, clean up, make us dinner, and watch a silly 90's TV show with us, or the mariners. Every Christmas, she would buy as much as she could to keep us smiling, and usually played tricks on us, like the year she gave James socks and underwear, then held off for every gift to be unwrapped to give him his Xbox. he cried.

I am thankful for my Umar, because through every stupid thing that I did, she was there for me, doing the best a mother could to keep this crazy girl grounded. I could never do or say enough to repay her.

I am thankful for Katie. Well, I shouldn't say that, I am thankful for her whole family. Katie and I found each other in 1st grade, 14 years ago, and since that day all she ever wanted was me to be happy. She invited me to family dinners, to sleepovers, and we were like sisters the moment we met. She is my soul mate, and I could never deny that. When I did unruly things, she would always say "I just want you to be happy" and she would mean it. When I was younger, I always had my birthday party early because she would go to Utah every summer, and as the time I hated and resented it, but now that I am older I understand.

Every time that I go to her house, her family welcomes me like I am a relative they are excited to see. Her mom offers me (the most delicious) dinners, her siblings get along with me, and in every family or food prayer, they always mention how thankful they are for me being in their life, and ask for my safety. I never really thought about it til now, but them praying for me is their way of keeping me safe, and I definitely am okay with that.

I am thankful that I met such an amazing friend, coupled with such an amazing family.

This year I made a decision, and that decision was to change who I used to be into someone better. I forced myself to chose between my old style of unhappiness, or to drop that old feeling for something new. I couldn't go on feeling controlled and unhappy, I didn't want to be the star of the show anymore, and I am glad I am now backstage, writing my own story.

I am thankful for Shane, and the few friends I kept after the separation from the old group.

Have a wonderful Thanksgiving, my lovelies.

some things change, and some things stay the same.

I'm still me, I'm just not who I used to be.

too much sleep

not enough

too much

gsfdjghkjfdkl

i dont want to function

just revert, it always works for me

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AeuScc4uRx4

Come one, come all; all eyes and ears, come hither; come to me:
The man on stage who shouts and sings as if he could prove something.
A falling leaf sat upon my neck, and whispered in my ear,
"Dying is half the fun of living, if the living's not in fear."
You can sing your days away, but they may never quite get why,
It is most sensible to smile and cry at the same time,
To wrap around your sorrow in a warm, welcome hug.
"Hate," is a strong word, but, darling, so is, "Love."
Both the children of passion, split by a thin, thin, line:
A tightrope we all walk along, but some fall to either side,
'Cause you love to hate, & hate to love, & nothing in between.
Well, honey, that just means that you're the opposite of me,
'Cause I love to love, and, honestly, I couldn't hate a thing.
Let me correct myself: I love everyone in the world but me.
I'll change my head to a stepping stone for all to walk upon.
I'll hold you like the booths at church, and listen to your confession.
I'll wrap my arms into a cradle, warm, and rock you into sleep.
I'm singing this song with no guitar, so you'll just listen to me.
I pulled a needle from my arm in March, and haven't touched it since,
But, no matter what I do or say, I can't convince my friends of this,
'Cause you spread half-truths and rumors like door-to-door religion.
You speak of gossip and gospel as if you knew the fucking difference.
Now, I've got no God, no girl, no drugs, no drinks, no cash, no home, no car,
But, there's a circle of friends, all smiles and held hands, at apartment 1084.
So, I'll belt it out, an unfamiliar sound, the truth, how it really is.
No, I'll just speak these next two lines all soft and slow, so you can let them sink in:
The difference between us, my friends, I can see it in your eyes:
You're glad that you're not dead yet, and I'm just happy to be alive.

Words

Words can start battles
they can create love
or hate.
they can fill things in
or scatter your world into a thousand pieces.
words can end the best things
or in the end, you'll think back on the words someone said.
when you were young, everyone said things to or about you
but when you're young you have selective hearing
and you only hear what makes you happy.
tones of voices can also effect what people say.
I remember a few things that made me happy when I heard them as a kid.
"its summertime!"
Katie Pedersens voice
my brothers laugh
and
"MY OH MY! IT'S A GRAND SALAMI! GOOD BYE, BASEBALL!!"
that voice will forever be the one that gets my adrenaline pumping
my eyes watering
and my mouth craving pizza and pop.

We love you, Dave Niehaus

Christmas

I will adore what anyone makes, buys, or promises to me

but the one thing i want this year

is tattoos.

or money for them.

please, Santa, I love being naughty :)

(i have 4 I really want, all text)

love, Jennise

one more time with feeling.

When does a keep-sake turn into junk? When does a piece of paper lose or gain meaning? When does a trinket become useless? When does a person lose trust or friendship?
I know I am not supposed to start with questions, but I am not here to be graded, I am here to talk.
I recently moved, and before one leaves their first residence for another, they go through their items and decide what to sell, donate, or trash. Then after, at homestead B, boxes are unpacked, and items are thrown out more, leaving you with less than before, but still too much.
I went through boxes of memories, snapshots, notes, and clothing that once meant a lot to me, but after a time turned into nothing but “stuff”. I found a shoebox with bracelets that now meant nothing to me, but years ago I would have gotten excited and told stories, laughing the whole time. I found pictures of friends I never talk to, have lost, or just faded after high school.
When pictures fade, do memories as well?
I trashed gifts that still hold good memories, only because they take up too much space. I kept items with good memories, but now lost friendships.
And I don’t regret you you’re just too damn stubborn to ever admit your faults.
I donated clothes that once fit me perfectly. I said goodbye to years of the same textures for more opportunities. I let go of wondrous outfits that I now have no space for.
So this is the question; when does something lose its meaning? When it has to? when it's thrown in your face and no one can fix it because the wrong person wont say the right thing?
While you are thinking about that, let me intoxicate your mind with more questions; when do normally useless items gain said meaning? I know this answer. When they are gifted, when they are thrown into your lap as a joke, or when you go to a good concert and cant throw away a ticket because at the time, it means so much to you. When you're shopping for shoes at a thrift store and find a perfectly 80's wedding dress for $10 and cant pass it up. When you're browsing for simple or meaningful object and fall in love with someone's lost meaning of a masterpiece.
Today, I fell in love with a ring whilst shopping at a thrift store. I was looking at an ugly orange ring when the man pulled out a tray of unpriced rings, and I fell in love. I fell in love with someones once treasured ring. There it sat between a sad looking pearl and that ugly orange marquee. It was gold, with rubies and diamonds. Sounds like just another ring, but it wasn't. It was a row of square-cut ruby perfection, flat on top with just enough shine. across those red lovelies was a gold, diamond studded snake wrapping around it's treasure with another round cut ruby on it's priceless head.
I fell in love. That ring meant everything to me in a matter of a glance.



But time will go on and as has happened before, I will attain money just as someone will waltz in and steal my treasure.

When does something lose or gain meaning?

iwantiwantiwant

Unbearable Lightness - Portia De Rossi's book
a webcam
a perpetually clean house
for it to be november 15th already
or april
to stop making mistakes
to stop being hard on myself
to love myself
to be forever happy
for it to always be a warm fall day
to never have to put down a book

to want what I already have.

This week

Is the best week I have had in months, and its only half way done.
Monday I bought the new Taylor swift CD. I then talked to my other half, my soul mate, and I couldn't fall asleep because I was so happy.We're planning a trip.
Tuesday, I talked to an old friend that I thought I lost, but I was totally wrong. I missed him so much, we talked for an hour, and I fell asleep smiling
Today, like yesterday, is a sunny, warm, fall day.
It's bright, warm, and smells like brand new, like a bright future
Today I am making dinner for three, playing a computer game I am hooked on, and talking to my other half again
Thursday I am seeing my family
Friday I am filling out paperwork for Fred Meyer Jewelers, then seeing Tolf with Shane for sushi
This weekend will be busy, moving junk, cleaning, and hoping for sun
but life
is looking
up.

one more thing.

Instant planetary Mega Stellar Hydro static
Theres no gravity between us
Our love is automatic
<3

a fast, stupid rant

again, about face book.
when you hang out, especially at parties, people will take pictures of you
they will then post said pictures and tag them
just because you aren't posing with your fake smile and trying to look good doesn't mean EVERY picture of you is bad.
people aren't mannequins, we have different smiles and facial expressions.
get over it.

plus, your poses look stupid and your smile is creepy when you force it.

A best friend

is someone who has been there for a long time
someone who you can not talk to for weeks, pick up the phone, and not be upset about anything
someone you can not see for months, but when you finally do, it seems like just yesterday when you saw them last.
you've been best friends since highschool?
middle school?
TRY FIRST GRADE BABY
that miraculous day we fell in love, vowed to be best friends, and started planning our wedding, clubhouse, and cat names.
as we grew we blossomed into beautiful, bent up, different people
but towards eachother nothing changed

and you should be jealous, because she is my soul mate
my number one
and in April, we're road tripping
and taking this world by STORM.

Speak Now

This is the most incite I have ever told anyone
and it's going to seem like close to nothing
but Taylor Swift is my heartbeat.
last year my friend drove us for hours up to see our friend sing her beautiful voice out loud for all to hear
on the way there, we listened to Fearless, and I read along song after song, noticing minor spelling mistakes. I then realized those "minor mistakes" were little phrases to decode.
grabbing sticky notes shaped like hearts, I started scribbling each letter down. As each saying was decoded, I felt closer and closer to her, like she was a friend telling me secrets that no one knew
I knew everyone else had decoded them
but they were meant for me
for every night a boy took my hand but covered my eyes
for ever day I couldn't take back
for the words that were so stuck inside my stubborn skull
she said them
she gave them back
she got it.
She loved me although I was used and broken by stupid boys
She would still listen, even though I said nothing at all.
I could be in my PJ's or after a photo shoot with running makeup and she wouldn't even think about it. She would hand me a cup of cocoa and let me rant.
She feels like a best friend that will never get angry, that will listen and hug you and jump off of whatever you told her to.

When I can't speak to my Dandelion, I talk to Taylor.

and one day, I must meet her.

Your pathetic beliefs

"Through the Looking Glass". That poem, "The Walrus and the Carpenter," that's an indictment of organized religion. The walrus, with his girth and his good nature, he obviously represents either Buddha, or, or with his tusks, the Hindu elephant god, Lord Ganesha. That takes care of your Eastern religions. Now the carpenter, which is an obvious reference to Jesus Christ, who was raised a carpenter's son, he represents the Western religions. Now in the poem, what do they do? What do they do? They, they dupe all these oysters into following them and then proceed to shuck and devour the helpless creatures en masse. I don't know what that says to you, but to me it says that following these faiths based on mythological figures ensures the destruction of one's inner being. Organized religion destroys who we are by inhibiting our actions, by inhibiting our decisions out of, out of fear of some, some intangible parent figure who, who shakes a finger at us from thousands of years ago and says, and says, "Do it... do it and I'll fuckin' spank you."
- Loki from Dogma

The only time I have ever agreed with religion was this movie.
I recently posted on FB a over-stretched opinion about abortion
Yes, I believe in it.
to which two angry christians (they have to always be angry over something) attacked my opion, using "the force of god" and all that they think is right.

I don't go on your page and attack your beliefs
I dont mention how creepy it is that you "drink his blood" and "eat his soul" or whatever those little bread deals are
or that you bow your head and talk like some imaginary friend is listening
or come into your house, or your car, or anywhere close to your property and rant about your god being a lie
a made up thing to make you feel better about yourself.

The only person who hasnt shoved it down my throat is technically a christian (LDS)
and through thick in thin, through my struggles and blow ups and hard times
she only once put religion on my plate, and that was when I asked her to.

I dont get why it's so hard for people to bite thier tounges
I dont understand why you post how weak you are all over your internet domains, cars, clothings, or skin
but I dont come up to you and say its wrong

so shut the fuck up, or get the fuck away.

Thank you kindly.

small rant

Alright, so yes, we all reproduce
It's wonderful, it's "Gods gift", it's a miracle
But we can only say "congratulations!" so many times
your Facebook is YOUR Facebook
Not your baby's
so I understand posting preggo pictures with small "yup, still an oven" updates, but they don't seem to ever stop after you push out the darn thing. Also, videos start.
Posting 8 pictures a day with your status updates only being about your baby and their pooping, noises, sleep schedule, etc. is not what I am friends with you on FB for
I am friends with you because I want to hear how you are doing, and see pictures of you. I understand one or two pictures a week, or small updates, but every single one?I don't know, maybe I'm not making any sense, This technology ridden world full of enternet hype and no person to person communication is getting to me.
Spend more time with your kid then posting crud about them on FB.

Thank you, Blogspot. Have a good one.

Lackluster and full of contempt

When it always ends the same

I want to bite into food that makes me cry
I want to talk until my mouth waters and flows into the ocean
I want to spin and spin and spoon and scream
I want to feel like I'm alive, for the first time in weeks.

I don't want to have this numb, beating feeling in my head like everything that we stand for is going to fall apart real soon
I want to stop having sad, scary, ridiculous dreams
I want pathetic, scared people to walk their sad, disfigured bodies up to me and apologize
I want them to beg for a second chance, to explain how good times used to be
and put some god damn feeling in it.

This isn't Shakespeare, damn you, this isn't a stage
anyone can learn to act
but no one should have to learn to live.

Every day I sign on to blogspot, looking for new post to read, scrapeing my mind for something to write, think, or rant about. Everyday, I want to post and scream and show you my insides
from my bright mind to my dark heart to my always hungry stomach, I dig and I peel at the layers holding a post back.
Every day when I log on, I look at my readers and every once in awhile, I have a new subscriber. I am currently up to ten readers.
I am still suprised that people want to read about my exsistance, but there is a few things I am not sure I'll be able to post about
The big one is religion. Why? because God-fearing people can rant all they want about being saved and being loved and having a shit-filled day, but "it's okay, because I love you and I serve you and no matter what happens one day will be glorious."
That, my dear readers, is not how I live. I live off of Karma, off of late nights and sleep-filled mornings. Long drives to work, falling short on gas money, and making friends who are there for me.
I dont live off of the thoughts of an afterlife, being with my family forever, sitting on a could of fluffy white. I've had religion around me my whole life, but it will never be my bag of tricks.
and if one day, God walks up to me and shakes his finger at me, then I'll take it. But until then
I'll live life
for myself.

I miss you.

Another post on age.

You're 19 and a half. You've always been there, you're just farther away then I want you to be. You're strong, and you can be just a phone call away, but the thousands of miles can rip me apart. Things are hard right now for you, but don't turn your back on the rest of the world just because of the skeletons chasing you. I'll always be here, just call out my name, baby girl.

You're 20 now, and you're posting barely-covered pictures of yourself on face book. you're going half-naked to raves, probably talking yourself up about how you don't do drugs, but sweetie, your boy-toy is going to start taking them, then you will, or your brother, then sooner or later you'll be a regular with all of the 16 year-old girls. Your relationships will fall to pieces, your friends will become even more few and far-between, and you'll blame everybody but yourself. I guess some things never change.

You're 21, girl, and you're one of the most mature people I hang around. You're smart, fun, and strong. You've been through a lot, we have shared some moments together, and we get each other. Your wittiness makes me roll over laughing, you kick my butt with the stories you tell me, and I always come back to hear more. We're still getting to know each other, but with you this close to me, I feel invincible. You're beautiful, and no one could ever change that.

You're 22 now. You're trying your hardest to ruin friendships, make enemies and diving into your alcoholic beverages like they're a swimming pool or a bible. Nothing you do can save you, every day you're slowly falling down a steep hill, hitting every ugly rock on the way down. You're disgusting from the inside out, every one looks down at you. You call yourself mature, when you act like a bitch that's heading the junior high cheer squad. You go out of your way to ruin people's days when you think they're "below" you. You're in the deepest, ugliest pit you could ever fall in. There is no coming out.

This song gets me every time

I've heard there was a secret chord
That David played and it pleased the Lord
But you don't really care for music, do you?
It goes like this: the fourth, the fifth
The minor fall, the major lift
The baffled king composing Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Your faith was strong but you needed proof
You saw her bathing on the roof
Her beauty and the moonlight overthrew you
She tied you to a kitchen chair
She broke your throne, she cut your hair
And from your lips she drew the Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

Maybe I've been here before
I know this room, I've walked this floor
I used to live alone before I knew you
I've seen your flag on the marble arch
Love is not a victory march
It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

There was a time you let me know
What's real and going on below
But now you never show it to me, do you?
And remember when I moved in you
The holy dark was moving too
And every breath we drew was Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

Maybe there's a god above
And all I ever learned from love
Was how to shoot at someone who outdrew you
It's not a cry you can hear at night
It's not somebody who's seen the light
It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

I guess all it takes is a warm autumn day
leaving work early with a smile on your face
for you to remember an emotion
the same situation, just months before
and you remember the feeling
but the one you felt isn't the same as the one now.
right now.
your feelings changed?
when did this happen?
why didn't I see it?

it's always happening
your feelings are always getting excited, getting used to it, getting over it, finding something new.

and baby, It's time for something new.
I'm like Eevee
always evolving
and you have your favorites
but you just cant help but drool over the thought of what power and grace you will have next.

I choose this.

I cant help but want to help you.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=toesl2PMiYg

Baby girl
we have our ups and our downs
but my heart is only beating because you kept it that way.
you know my dark past, and you welcome my every flaw
with your smiling eyes and your warm arms
and I know life is hard right now
and I cant help but want to drive a thousand miles to see your happy face
and to buy a pint of rocky road
and cry on the valley view roof
"if only things were how they used to be"
"why does the world have so much bad in it?"
lets watch I Love Lucy and The Wizard of OZ and talk about boys and how gross they are (but they can be good kissers)
just talk to me baby.
I know I cant feel what you are feeling
but my feelings towards you alllll the way over there
not communicating with me
makes me understand.
just.text.me.

Cosmic Love - Florence

A falling star fell from your heart and landed in my eyes
I screamed aloud, as it tore through them, and now it's left me blind

The stars, the moon, they have all been blown out
You left me in the dark
No dawn, no day, I'm always in this twilight
In the shadow of your heart

And in the dark, I can hear your heartbeat
I tried to find the sound
But then it stopped, and I was in the darkness,
So darkness I became

The stars, the moon, they have all been blown out
You left me in the dark
No dawn, no day, I'm always in this twilight
In the shadow of your heart

I took the stars from our eyes, and then I made a map
And knew that somehow I could find my way back
Then I heard your heart beating, you were in the darkness too
So I stayed in the darkness with you

The stars, the moon, they have all been blown out
You left me in the dark
No dawn, no day, I'm always in this twilight
In the shadow of your heart

The stars, the moon, they have all been blown out
You left me in the dark
No dawn, no day, I'm always in this twilight
In the shadow of your heart

I'm not sure I'll be able to function today
yesterday was a wacky-doodle day
about 7 weird things popped up yesterday
I can't remember if I slept well
but working and thinking... even sitting up feels funny
like there's a sticky filmy cover over everything
I think today should be saturday.

Latest update.

Life seems to be getting better and better!
it's almost Halloween, which means I need to work on my costume
my boyfriend just bought a fantastic car from his wonderful mother

it's almost November, which means my dream job is weeks away
I loooove the holiday season
and on Monday I get to go watch WWE RAW live with a great friend from high school
also, I have made a new, wonderful, honest best friend
life is looking up :)
Thank you all for your love and support <3

[EDIT]
my day just got 4859043 times better.
work just did the best backflip it could ever do
and I am heading to the best place
life. freaking. rocks.
holy gosh.

I hope yours is good too!
-more detail later-

Your heart

Is safe in my pocket
I'll sew it and keep it
and never tell your secrets.
This world of ours
will be none for the taking
swearing and curtsying our way out of things.
We'll start fires
and glue rhinestones all over this town
baby, us together
no one can take our crown.
I accept your friendship
we'll form it through truth and jeers
girl, with you as my jester
we will conquer this world with no fears.

Number one hundred

Today is "change your profile picture to your favorite villain" on Facebook. Since I love comics and the fight between good and bad, right and wrong, I googled my favorite comic series, The Sandman by Neil Gaiman. After clicking through pages of clips that I have always loved, of Death, Desire, Lucifer, Dream, and Oden, I realized something; all of the reoccurring characters can be described as villains.
The books are usually centered around Dream (Morpheus) who starts out in a struggle of freedom, to finding his necessary instruments, to rebuilding his relm and taking back over the dreaming. Morpheus can create good dreams, but in all, he is a cold, dark being that creates nightmares. He banished someone who loved him to hell, because they did not listen to him. Morpheus is a Villian
There are characters worse than Morpheus, such as Lucifer, Loki, and even Desire, which brought me to think more on the family of The Endless. The family consists of Death, Dream, Desire (who is twins with) Despair, Destruction, Delirium, and Destiny.
I began reading The Sandman comics when I was younger, then picked them back up in high school, and recently (my fantastically amazing) boyfriend bought me the Absolute edition, which is four books with extra drawings, information, and unseen issues. I have read them adoring the seven family members, and falling in love with Death and Delirium. Until today, nothing seemed out of ordinary, until I realized that in human eyes, these seven are the villains in our eyes. Nobody wants to die, have nightmares, or go insane.
Neil, you just blew my mind. You created characters that one normally hates and is scared of, and made them loving and beautiful.
Just sharing my thoughts :) Happy Friday, and 100 posts!

Sitting on the valley view roof

It’s funny how your past looks when you’re staring it in the eyes
How some little mishaps turned into lies
But with you by my side
My world will be fine.
So baby just breathe
All you really need is love
Some old musical movies
But there will always be a reason to run.
So just hold tight
Listen to the wind
Take a deep breath
you will always have Washington love
to take you back in.

the best.

I think this is finally over.

I need to do this for me

No more faking
No more fights and hating
I'm done, and this time, this one time
You keep your mouth shut
Bravo

Good luck on your travels.
My hope for you is that you grow up
And find your bearings in life.

Farewell.

I am an easily manipulated being.
This is quite a true statement, my dear fellow.
The manipulations change from person to person, it all depends on their will and thier way
which, there usually is no way
it just happens.
Around old friends I can feel that old tug of wanting to be someone else tear at my heart.
I was easily manipulated. I liked it. My stupidity and laughter brought them laughter, and with it, brought new things I could be.
I'm a million different people from one day to the next
and I loved it.
It was when I found someone that made me me
I didnt want to be anybody. I wanted to be myself, my ugly, boring, scarred self.
but those people still pop up
they become new people, or even just thinking about them I fall into the same routine.
laugh. smile. apologize. act normal
what is that? Normal
the word has always tasted stale and foreign on my tongue.
Normal doesn't exist
not in the waking world anyways.

Being normal or perfect will always be a dream
a realm we cannot touch.
Why?
because me might act perfect, see ourselves as perfect, there will always be alteast one thing wrong with everything.
I have scars. I have done terrible things to myself, and I am slowly comming to realize the amount of horror I actually bestowed upon myself.
even if I had a perfect life, that would mean that my grandparents had it perfect
all four of them
and my parents would have to had had an amazing life
that, my dear, is the ugliest thing that could ever happen
Why?
because no one would die. There would be no fear, no hate, no tears
kisses would be routine
sunsets would just fade out, unwatched
and there would be NO good shows on TV.

Jokes aside, the meaning of this ramble (i guess) is without the bad, the good wouldn't be anything more than ordinary, plain, unnoticed.
I am scarred, but I have had this nightmare of a life for one reason
to be thankful for the good.

Thank you to all of you who were my good at times.
I wouldn't be here without you.

okay. OKAY.

After reading a friends blog for about 8 posts, I think I am ready to do this.
I am recovering from an eating disorder.
That's a lot harder to say then I could ever imagine.
I have been blog jumping, going from blog to blog, reading a bit and deciding what I think about it... then I stumbled upon these blogs about girls recovering from eating disorders. I know I had a problem, I know I weighed 85 lbs til my junoir year, and finally broke 110 just a few months ago.
I still can't eat red meat like steak, roast, or anything that isnt a hamburger or sliced uber small
If I think about my weight, bone sructure, or much of highschool while I am eating I stop, I loose my appitite. Sometimes if I think of the meat, I see it as my own flesh and blood. I cant eat it, I can't gain another pound.
I can eat snacks throughout the day so much easier than big meals.
I know I have come a ways, but it's not far enough.
I never brought this up to anyone, I have even kept it from myself. I was a beautiful, tiny, skiny canvas of flesh pulled tight agaisnt bones, and I still looked in the mirror and saw fat. There were days I would cover the mirror or get dressed in the dark.
These days are hard to talk about.
Once I started cutting, I realized I had to stop
it could definitly take me over, like my eating disorder
everyone asked
I lied
to everyone.
I lied to my mother, to my best friend, hell, I lied to the mirror
admitting I had a problem meant I would have a reason to fix it.

so this is it. This is one of the handfull of things that have been tearing me apart for years. the others I am finally able to open up about, and if you ask, I will try to tell you, but it would be a very long post, or conversation.
We all have issues, weaknesses, stupidity
mine have just piled to heaven over the years.

Thank you.

well...

I have had a lot on my mind lately. %80 of what I cant to say is too hard to write out, so here is something a little less worrysome.
it's still worrysome though.
also, if you ask me about this blogpost, I might not talk about it.
it's too stupid for real conversations.
I've never been one to become obsessed with someone or go crazy over their exsistence, I dont have a twitter for that reason, and I'm only friends with a small handful of celebrities on FB and such. the only time i have been obsessed with a celeb was my Jeff Hardy stuff, and I still love him, because he was my idol. I wasnt insane becuase how cute he was or his character, but everything he was I wanted to be. he was carefree, and I wanted that. He was a risk taker and a jokester, a hardass on himself, and he strived for greatness. Yes, so he is charged with drug use
we all have our toils
but this isnt supposed to be a blog about that Hardy boy
this is about someone else.
If i am in a relationship, I try to keep feelings to myself and that person, but sometimes I get crushes. I currently have a crush on a celebrity. The issue is ITS STUPID, and besides that I want to not have those feelings, thus not watch what he is on so I dont feel terrible (though its just a crush, fuck I'm 20, what the hell is wrong with me??) but he is on a show I really enjoy and want to keep watching. So I have this DUMB predicament.
please tell me you know how I feel.... PLEASE.
Thanks
love,
pathetic little me.

I would like to disappear, please.


thanks

hypocritica bullshite.

So I hate "beating around the bush", but it seems it's one thing I have been champion of for my whole life. Gold metal in not telling the truth, blue ribbon in ignoring the problem..... so recently I have decided to ditch my system, and create a new one.
My inhibility to face things head on started at a young age. My brother and I would play for hours outside, ruining atleast one gardening tool, piece of clothing, or neighbors property a day, thus eventually facing the wrath of our father. Realizing that not telling the whole truth, or not bringing up an issue (such as bleeding from a wound due to playing with screwdrivers and the like) would result in feeling bad, but not as bad as the names and things my father would do in order to punish us.
Years of lying to him made it easier at school too, like lying to teachers about doing work, or making up stories to tell kids to make them like me. As more doors opened, running around the mulberry bush became easier, easier than living a boring life or getting in trouble.
eventually, people figure out you're a liar. especially if they are your parents or older than you. This gave me a new problem. I had to tell the truth, after lying for so long? Screw that!
Years went by, and I was slowly realizing that lying hurt more than it helped. Until I was about 16 years old, the majority of the babble that came out of my mouth was a bold-face, stupid lie. It took a lot, but I eventually beat it, and let me tell you, being a cumpulsive liar is a hard thing to kill. Somehow though, through all that, I made friends with liars like me. slowly backing away from those people was hard too, but until yesterday I still had one 'friend' that was that way.
She would talk to everyone, in the loudest voice possible, dance around looking for a spot light, and tell people what they WANTED to hear, or what she thought would make them happy. SHE is a damn liar. This girl dated my brother, for what seemed like a happy few months, but he eventually got over her and moved on. She was not okay with this, and took it upon herself (since she was so greatly wronged by teenage lust, 'love', and highschool drama) to make my brohters life 'a living hell'.
Now, reader, I do not know if you have any siblings, but of the two I have, he has been my best friend for years. We spent most of our childhood together, and he happens to be one of the few people that can cheer me up in any situation. being friends with my bothers ex started wearing on me. after they broke up I would go over for dinner, trying to enjoy time with a friend, but during that time her and her mother took it upon themselves to talk shit about my younger brother. I tried putting up with it, but as every post on her Facebook, every thought, and every action became about him, I started talking to her and hanging out, less and less. She would complain to me, to her family, other friends and so on, but never tell the same story, or take any advice.
Jennise has a problem with this.
We all told her to get over it, unknot her panties, and move on. She kept spreading rumors, going after his girlfriends, and even asking (time after time) to date him again. I tried to leave it to beaver, but yesterday, that ignoring process became too much.
After reading a juvinile "dear you-know-who-you-are" post on her Facebook, I went home for dinner, thus learning it was truely about him. The post sums up (in my words) that he's a scumbag, but she still loves him. We easily figured out it was about him because a) it's her post and b) he couldnt view it
I took it upon myself to send a short and sweet text saying I was sick of her mopey shit, and that our friendship was over, the whole time deneying it was about him. she then texted him about it, not understanding why I would freak out like that, so he took this oportunity to do some digging. She tried telling him the post was about someone else, but when asked why it was blocked from him, she was cornered.
I think we all know the morale to this story. Don't lie, or tell half of the truth. overall, don't be a terrible person, and learn how to tell the truth or keep your mouth shut.
"love/hate"
Jennise

Dear you

I miss your spotted, wonderful guts.
Gallop back here soon, you hear?

Age

Age is a funny thing. Throughout history, age has played a big part. People used to die in their 40's and it was considered a full life, parents used to decide marriage for thier children, and those kids werent even in their teens yet. You think as time changed, so would people, but I guess not.
As usual, I will point out what some people might think when they read my ideas out of this blog. "what say do you have in this matter?" Well, fellow youngins, I may be someone you dont look up to, maybe it's my eight piercings or thrice tattooed skin... but I have been in a few handfuls of relationships. I know what love is, or what some people think it is. That unsettleing happy feeling in your stomach, The way your mood lights up when you see them, the endless hours you spend with them is never enough.
I have thought I was in love, only to find out I was wanting love, I was sitting, waiting for something that wouldnt happen. Maybe it was because I was younger than 17, maybe it was the less than 4 month relationships, but I wanted and wanted, and they were always one sided.
weird.
So once I hit 19, things started making sense. I decided I didn't want to marry til 26, and have kids til 30. I want to be grown up and understood and confident. The reason I started this "list of shit I should wait to do" was because too many of my high school friends were deciding they were in love and wanted babies and were going to pop out some hellions and live happily ever after. Oh, also get hitched, forgot that *important part.
* There was an astric because marriage isn't important any more. People get married way too young, after a 3 month relationship, and 1 month engagements. Maybe YOU aren't aware, but until you have been with someone for about 3 years, you dont know them, and if you havent lived with them... then you're fucked. Living together is a huge step, I know momma said and you dont wanna listen to momma, but my momma was right, and after you have kids, it changes even more. My parents were together for a good dating period, got married when they were 24, and started having kids at 30. My parents were married for 17 years or so, then they called it quits.
That should also have an astric, as my Dad changed drasticly with the marriage, the move in, and the three hellions. He put up with us, and we put up with him, and until I was about 17 there was no loving relationship there. I will never forget the day I first heard my dad use the word "beautiful", or after realizing he was actually looking at flowers, butterflies and the rest of the world. It took my Dad 46 years to grow up and become himself. I wish you better luck.
And I dont mean to be miss negative Nancy over here, saying nothing will work and life will suck and you will get divorced and die old, alone, and done for... it may work. I just feel the percentage of "the possibility of living happily ever after" gets better the older you are, the longer you have been with the peron, and your maturity level.
Love and happiness is too much of a gamble, but we love to play it so.

Thanks for reading

hello

I need to write three blogs
one about age
one about religion

but this one will be about my latest tattoo.
Let me start off by saying if someone wants something permanently on their body, then hell, let them do it. You cant change their mind, they want it, and they will get it.
second, is no matter how -stupid- you think that tattoo is, they will love it and look at it and enjoy their new skin, and the meaning it has to them, or that it will grow to have.
Not all tattoo's have meaning when you get them, they can just be a change you want or a saying you enjoy. When I got my first tattoo, it was spontaneous, random, and googled. As time went on, I fell in love with what it actually started meaning to me. "this iron heart may be dented and rusted, but god dammit she's a runner."
it meant that through everything, I gained a layer of skin, and put a lock on my damaged heart.

My second tattoo meant the world to me. It sang to me, it looked up whenever I looked down. My tattoo was to remind me that through it all, I am all the motivation I need to get up and do something. I am the change I need in my world, I am my own god and I will do things right, because I have to. This tattoo is me.

My third and latest tattoo was a spur of the moment, but for a few weeks I had wanted it engraved on me. I wanted to feel the words, grow and learn from them. The issue there, is people's stupidity. I go back to my first and second comment on how I wanted it, and how I got it, and how I enjoy seeing words on my skin like ink on parchment. I love the way they feel on my ribs, and will love them as if the words were born with me.
About people's "stupidity", is that it's the end song to a video game. I have played, but not finished this game, thus (nerdy) people look down at me when they find out I have not actually completed this game, and earning this song.
The phrase is why I got it, I take it literary, as well as what I have added in my short time of owning this new layer of skin
"you don't always have to finish what you start to learn a lesson from it"


Thank you for reading, and realize the next time you judge someone, you should judge yourself first.

The things one can do

There are few people in this world that I trust with the deepest part of my being, people I would tell anything to, or devote myself to.
Those people also hold the key to my destruction
but isnt that the beauty of trust?
giving your heart to someone, lending them your soul, giving your all for those you believe in?
Thank you, few people, for believing in me.
for building the blocks I stand on today.
You hold me up and make me strong and will forever be close to my heart.
I love you, Morpheous, my Constant, my Dandilion, and recently, my Artist.
You hold the keys to my beginning, and my end
I'll write the chapters.

There are those times

thos countless, countless times
when you have so much on your mind
but no matter what, you cant write them out.

Have a good day guys, I'll try and suck my brain dry later.

A necessary post.

I have been a wreck.
I have been sick and achy and grumpy and gross.
I've been taking it out on my boyfriend, and letting the things in my life I should attack headfirst stab me and scare me, 'cause I am too much of a pussy to face them head on... so here they are.

We were friends, great friends for a good few years or less. We became close and goofy, and you were there for me, I will admit that. You were a great friend when I was in tears over a boy. But if I ever had a riff with you, it was always my fault. You would look at me in a condescending manner and purse your lips, you would stab me to death with your words and destroy my feelings, and then the next day act like nothing ever happened. "Sorry" is not in your vocabulary, you're too good for "sorry's", too damn proud. Your lack of apologies left me broken and hurt, and I seeked revenge, and to this day I hope you hurt when you think about me, and about the other people in your life you destroy. You probably think I forgave you. I didn’t, and I never will until you are crying at my feet and begging. Then, maybe, just maybe, I'll consider it.

I love you, very very much. I have been close to you for a long time, and I hope you are okay with me moving out and growing up, this is what I need to do, I can't be there anymore, it's in the past and I need to overcome what I used to be.

Okay, maybe I've been a tad bit jealous. That's a lie; I've become extremely jealous of you and your family. I have known you 7/10ths of my life, you have been there day in and day out, in spirit, in messages... but that's not enough for me anymore. You post about friends that share the same religion as you, and you talk about how much you love them and how much they mean to you, but you rarely mention me. I know I'm becoming needy, but you would talk about me being your best friend my whole life, and now all the sudden you have more best friends, ones that can do religious things with you and praise god and blah blah... what happened to me? What happened to jumping off of decks and talking for hours on end at night? I know I'm not part of your family, or your religion, but you're dumping me. Half of this summer you've had to reschedule almost all of our days together. You've changed, you aren’t the little girl I walked up to anymore, and I'm afraid you'll soon be the girl I'm walking away from. I can’t be leftovers anymore, or your occasional treat, I want to be #1 again, or at least in the top 5, but right now I'm the bottom of the barrel, and I've slowly had to let myself loose you.

HEY YOU! Yes, you. You are an amazing girl, and you are working so hard at something that makes you happy. I want to help you with everything, I want to give you all my paychecks and buy all your art and spend a rediculous amount of time with you. You are so sweet, and funny, and talented, and you are SO NOT at teenage girl, you have always acted mature. you are a brilliant individual, and I hope to see you go far and always be happy.

Alright, those are directed towards the 4 people I have been thinking the most about recently, besides my Constant, who is as amazing as always.
Happy Friday the 13th!

get back to work.

With every day that goes by, I feel like I'm losing my sanity.
I feel like maybe something is wrong with me, I have an eating disorder, or I am bipolar, or SOMETHING.
I've slowly come to the realization that I don't have many friends. and by "friends", I mean people that are always there, not ones that call out of the blue, asking to hang out, and never get back.
I feel I have maybe 3 friends, one of which is my boyfriend, one I feel like I'm losing, and the other I want to become really close with and art with ALL THE TIME. She's amazing, and I can double date with her :)
Lately, my insides have been a mess of sorts, from stomach pain to back pain, neck and almost every joint. I dont know what's going on, but hopefully the doctors will tell me, and I'll be able to feel alive again.
I'm just a bowl full of complaints.
I feel awful.
I get to see my Bowie buddy today
and tomorrow my artsy buddy.
I'm excited for that, in the least.

Everything to gain.

Have you ever felt so lost, you feel found?
Things are hectic, my life is looking up, way up. I have an amazing man-friend (cause who dates boys anymore?), I'm slowly moving my shit from point A to point B, and I'll be 20 in just a few short weeks.
But there are things that have been getting to me.
I understand people are busy, I am as well, but the one person, my other half, is busier than a bee. She's roadtripping and hanging out with her guy and having fun, but I feel neglected. I know our bond is beyond skin, but I feel naked with how little I've talked to her. I know my 'heart will go on', but I cant help buy want to cry when I see her post tons of comments about her "wifey" and "favorite girls". It makes me feel like an outdated fur coat that sits in a closet year round, just to be passed up for a new insulated one that doesnt look as flashy.
Number two, my body has been betraying me. I need to work out and climb and hike and eat healthy, but I feel dull and drained whenever I attempt anything. I'm not sure WHAT this vessel is doing, but can I trade it in for a submarine? My joints are falling apart, my stomach is a mess, and my emotions flex with the pains. I don't know how anyone can stand me.
I am excited, though, because it's almost August, which means almost my birthday, and my bestie promised she WOULD be this year, unlike the many years she has left the state. It also means that seasonal is comming, and Fred Meyer Jewelers wants me back (:D) so I'll have two part time jobs, and FMJ has been my favorite job EVER.

As a reminder to those reading, this is just what has been on my mind, sorry if I make anyone feel bad, I just need to get out those feelings.
PEACE.

one day, one month, twenty years.

As of tomorrow, July 21st I will be one month away from being twenty years old. That will be two decades of my life already gone. 14 spent knowing my Dandelion, 8 years since my move, and less than a year spent knowing my own self. It’s strange to me that I’ve been alive this long, but I feel like I’m just starting. I just moved out, I’m doing things on my terms, and damn, I love my life.
I never thought I would make it this far, to be honest. I just never was able to imagine myself starting a family or moving out or moving up, but things are starting to look up a lot more than I ever imagined.
These almost 20 years haven’t been a breeze, they’ve been dusty and messy and scrambled, but look at me, I’m here. I’m standing, I’ve got scars, but hell, who doesn’t. I have the people I love around me telling me they are here for me, and I’ve got one strong heart and two stubborn feet.
I am keeping up on my tattoo collection, and as of Saturday I now have 3 lovely new layers of skin total.
I’ve reached a “no bullshit” level with everyone. I’m sick of sugarcoating things and treating shitty people nicely. I am currently living with my amazing boyfriend, and saving up what I can for a big tattoo next year, and eventually, a motorcycle.
It’s going to be weird to not be a teenager anymore.
It’s thrilling, really.

Dear you.

You make me sick.
I hope nothing ever works out for you
and Kharma kicks your ass every which way.
Everything you do digs under my skin
maybe this was my fault
but you couldn't commit in the first place.
I'm happy, and girl, I hope you feel like shit every damn day when you wake up
and cry yourself to sleep at night.
I hope you fail at everything
and curse all your loved ones.
Sincerely
Jennise.

Falling in love with a motorcycle

The title really says it all.
Her whole life, my mother has hatred for any two weeled vehicles, scooters, harleys, crotch rockets, you name it. Because of her hatred for these things, she told me I could never touch one until I was out of the house.
Well, mother and world, my name is Jennise Gaines, I have just moved out, I am one month shy of 20 years old... and I love strapping on a helmit, holding on tight, and leaning with Shane's turns.
I love the way the wind hits the helmit, the angle the sun hits my legs, and the way Shane sits up and hold my hand. The turns are sharp, the wind is harsh, and baby
I'm in love.
Look out world, this has just started <3

Nothin's sweeter than summertime.

I've been living away from my family for a month
I've been carpooling and rock climbing and feeling alive
I've been packing lunches, taking picnics, and falling asleep with a smile on my face.
I'ts been a month with Shane
and some might think I talk about it too much
But I have no one to rant to about my happy moments and his goofy quirks
besides little texts to Dandelion
But we've been quiet, because no one needs to hear about our love
but I cant be quiet forever.
Our love is stronger than any metal I've ever touched
sweeter than any flower I've smelt
comfortable
and easy.
It flows by like a cool breeze on a warm day.
I've never felt this free and happy with any boyfriend
I want to spend every minute I can with him.
He's an amazing, sweet, listening person
and he will never hurt me
and I will stand by him until I cant stand anymore.

so there.

13.1 miles

at the start line, I was giddy
I walked for a mile with gym class in my ear, and watched the time clock
13 minute miles.
and I walked on, looking at the other people around me.
The bands slowly passed by, and we all cheered and clapped, and they smiled.
as music spread through my ears, I thought about what those 13 miles meant to me, then I looked around.
other walkers had shirts that stated they were there for someone else
"in loving memory"
I thought of Ansley
they said supportive words for friends with cancer
I thought of my Grandma
of Noah
and everyone that has sufferd.
Then I brought my thoughts back to myself, and how I has in this marathon for me, for my inner strength, and thought of everything 13 miles stood for.
13 miles stood for the many times I've let myself down for a boy
13 miles meant the end of loosing sight of my dreams for any reason
13 miles to think about what I am doing, about what I want to be doing
and about the thousands of people that were just like me
and the thousands that werent.
I was one in almost 30 thousand people
to them, I was another pair of shoes
or someone running for a reason
or maybe none at all
and it meant the world to me.
11 miles felt like a first kiss
12 miles looked beautiful and lively
and 13 miles
so close, and I didnt have to push. I still had a jump in my step and a smile on my face as I crossed that line with 'hands down' by dashboard confessional in my ear
and it was glorious.


here are my videos, the before finish line is closer. I'm the pale one that runs funny and is almost naked.
http://www.marathon-photos.com/scripts/event.py?event=Sports/RRUS/2010/Rock%20%27n%27%20Roll%20Seattle%20Marathon%20and%20Half&new_search=1&match=37590

I have a half marathon to run tomorrow

and part of me is terrified
some of me is excited
but most of myself... I'm just glad I'm even going to try it.
If i crap out at mile 6, and just cant do it
then fine
but what are you doing with your time?
I would love to make it to mile 13 in the 4 hour time limit
and baby, you better smile, and say good job
could you do that for me?
I dont need a huge welcome party
this is all for me
and like I said, if i cant finnish, then hell
atleast I started.

I could wile away the hours

in your arms
with every kiss the sun would grow stronger
my skin would grow warmer
my eyelids getting heavier.
with every caress I could slowly drift away
into a sweet, summery slumber
in your arms, listening to you breathe
and tell me you love me.
I could sleep wrapped in that toy-story blanket
covered in kisses
with lady-bug hair barrettes
and home-made sandwiches.
I could make this last forever
just stay wrapped in your worm-hole of love
falling oh so lightly
not worrying where I'm going to land.
Lets live like this forever.

you know it doesnt have to be perfect

but sometimes it feels like everything falls into place
like this was meant to be
like this is perfect.
every smile
all the emotions we share
we're golden.
we're fixing eachothers breaks and sprains
and building supports for new bridges.
we are strong and goofy and full of fun
with wonder and muscle and the want for more and more
you're amazing.

perfect photographs

The days keep getting better
the memories just keep on building
the love growing in my chest.
I adore you
your smiling kisses
your alcohol laughs
the way you sit back and look at me.
Life couldn't get much better than this.

my life.

I like lists.
Michael Jackson and Conk Crew changed my life.
I want to run with the bulls.
I've conquerd figurative and literal mountains.
I want to be a wife someday.
I like nic-names.
I cant wait for this fall
I love autumn
if my name wasnt fantastic, I would change it to Autumn.
if I could I would only wear dresses
I need to model more.
I love animals.
I want to cover my body with ink.
I will cry my eyes out the day they tear down Valley View.
I want Utah to be 880 miles closer.
I am excited to be 20.
I'm never going to grow up.
<3

you're so much stronger than the friends you keep

Everybody else's wrinkle lines
their grey hairs
their bulging, pale old eyes.
You look at them in wonder
you see age as a growing tool
the older you are, the more mature.
I see 40 year old's making mistakes I did 3 years ago
maybe I'm maturing faster
or this is easier than it looks.
Just because they are older
does not mean they are wiser
it's based upon the mistakes you make
and what you do to better yourself from them.
It's the heartbreaks and the walls you build
or the motes you dig
or still keeping your bleeding heart on your sleeve
for the world to see.
Maybe it's fighting with yourself to be better
or happier
or to just live long enough to get the hell out of this town.
whatever it is
do it
and fight it
and work yourself to the bone.
you are your greatest failure
you are your greatest success story
you are your harshest critic.

It's something close to breaking glass

but only it's flesh and bones.
It's wanting to turn around and run back
just to hear their laugh and see them again
just to sit down and waste time.
But I hate wasted time.
Right now, that's what I'm doing
wanting to sprint to you and tell you I'm sorry and I was wrong
but I'm not sorry
and I was right to do this.
I need to change
but baby, so do you
but you might never realise it.
You might just roll your eyes
and stab with your tongue
(it's what you do best)
and make me drown in words you wont let me get out.
This battle shouldn't be happening, but it is
I don't know how, or when, or if we will resume
but I do know you are an amazing person...
and we all have battles
and we all need to rethink strategies
not just build more armor.

For my roots.

Dandelion oh dandelion
where will your seeds plant this fall
in the forest, near the trees?
in my heart, in my hair
in my lungs, then spread to my toes.
Dandelion you're so strong
you root deep and blow askew
Dandelion, you're always here for me.
I'll always pick you
and blow your seeds to the wind
to Bankok, Bejing, The Great Wall
to Africa
but Dandelion please,
don't be afraid to come home
'cause Dandelion, baby
I need you to help me grow.

happy birthday <3

It's a breeze flowing through a crack in a window

A scratched record you just can’t help but play
The beginning to a movie that makes you smile
A few words that got lost along the way.
You’re a kiss on my shoulder
Stories that are dying to be told
A campfire that could warm me through
And baby, I'm already calling you 'home'

subtle variations of blue.

Slowly, things fall together
clockwork
empty ink pens
flowers opening to the sunlight.
I've been starting the puzzle all wrong
beginning with the center
but really, you should start with the outside
start with the border
and work your way in
begin with the soil to make your garden grow
run to first base for a cheer.
which came first,
the honesty?
or the extacy...
the breaking
the mending...
or realizing you were never broken to begin with
just looking in the wrong mirror.

with love.

I'll admit it.
Lately, I've been selfish.
I've been hurtful and cut off and distant.
I have to be
No one can change this, no one can fix how they interact with me.
I've felt broken and immature around all of my old friends, and finally, I've found a mend
hiking. camping. climbing.
working out this ridiculous shell until I feel inside and out that I am ready to expose myself to this world again.
you might see this as harsh
but I see 20 years of exsistance that have been damn neer wasted.
I'm moving out, waking up, working out, covering my skin in lessons of ink, and battling my way to the top
the top of my own mountain
I'm not traveling for anyone but myself anymore.

You're what keeps me believing.

I hope you know how much you mean to me
If not, I will tell you til the day my words stop working
and I'll hold you and touch you until my arms loose feeling

I will walk how ever many steps you demand
follow even the slightest point of your hand
play with your hair until you fall asleep
and write you poetry until my fingers bleed

because you broke my bad habbits
I mend your cut fingers
we go together like celery and penut butter
we spill out our secrets and let the feelings linger

because we're flawed and messy
broken and stiched
we make eachother feel better, my freind

even if it kills me.

I might have already stated this countless times, but putting myself infront of others is possibly the hardest thing to do.
It's the correct thing, and strong, but extreamly difficult to do. I will get stronger, I will pull through, the world will keep rotating.
I just have to put one foot infront of the other, open my mouth, and say what I need to say.
This is the right thing to do
it always has been.

I want to run

make a b-line for the door
but i wont
there is nothing to run from anymore.
there wasn't in the first place
i was running from myself.
and these strengths will come with the passing of time
and i will embrace each as they come along.
out with the old.
in with the new.
and I promise you,
that weakness will never return

the monsters inside you are so much bigger than the ones you can see.

i feel raw.

the warmth inside of you bellows out in a frantic wave

maybe i wont feel broken anymore.
these feelings might give out
and maybe i'll swim in happiness

<3

in reflection.

"These embers burn brighter than the heart inside your chest," she said with a solemn look, "you break and burn for the wrong reasons.”
I wet my feet and strain my muscles
and she's completely right.
I inhale another gasp as my footsteps hit the concrete
sending sparks up my legs, setting off fireworks in my back
I need to run.
"She’s nothing, she's not real" I tell myself as I sprint down the dark streets
but every time I turn around, there she is
floating towards me.
Her soul is wrapped around me like weeds
I tear at the roots, but nothing can break this bond.
Her eyes dig into my soul
like venom
I think of medusa
but I believe even the snake herself is kinder than my current torture.

The moon is alive
all I have
the stars can’t even see me here
wherever I am.
I feel trapped, cornered
but there is no one left in this world but me
am I even on a planet? Where could I be that my imagination takes hold?
I find stairs
without question, I climb
two at a time
breathing only when my legs push off the ground
maybe gravity will turn off, maybe I’ll float away.
I need to breathe more.

“You’re burning out boy,” I hear her cold voice cut through the silence
“You’re broken, and no one can light you up again.”
I reach the top of the building
how many flights were there?
My legs ache, but my heart wants more
the concrete below shouldn’t seem as welcoming as it looks
but why take the stairs again
I can never go back the way I came.
I close my eyes, there’s no looking back
and I jump.

Her voice is no longer in my head
I feel my body crashing towards the ground
these stories pass by in seconds
but somehow I know
this isn’t how it ends.

I can't wait to fall in love again.

that secret place where no one dares to go

Falling in love is like swimming
or my form of swimming.
I start out watching the water, following the ripples
watching the current swimmers kiss the water with their skin
as it slowly envelops their bodies with warm embraces
and sweet symphonies of caresses.
They glide and float like swans
like it's in their nature to be one with this element.
seeing their triumph fills me with excitement
I slip a foot in to feel the water grind my skin
welcomingsare never pleasant, but i keep coming back for more
my arms can't hold me up
others glide
while I twist and turn in despair
but still I continue the fight.
The tempurature prickles my skin
while liquid rushes toward my open mouth
'Up and over
We go through the wave and undertow'...
I can do this, I can fall in love
I just have to learn how to first
allow the feelings to sink in, support myself
then I will be able...
'I will float until I learn how to swim'

an essay of males.

So in conversation with my best friend, I made a statement that I didn’t think too hard about until I sent it. That statement was "I'm over boys. Next mission? Men".
Some people never realize the difference between males. There are 3 different types of males; Boys, guys, and men.
Boys are the stupid trials, the ones you chase around the playground, to later chase around high school, to then chase after while they are concealing your heart in their arms like a linebacker on the longest football field known to woman, in ‘life’ stadium. Boys can become “boyfriends”, which means nothing more than a childish male that will hold your hand and either constantly disappoint, or rock your world. I have had many boyfriends, handfuls, in fact, but many of them were just what their title says, boys. They ranged from 15-25 (throughout the years, you see) and no matter how hard I tried, their boyish charm won me over. I’ve dated guys YEARS older than me, to find out they were mentally decades younger.
Then there are guys. Guys are what I like to call “inanimate objects”, like a stapler, coffee maker, or lamp. A guy can usually range (in my opinion) from age 20-60, they can be after you, just like to look at you, or just a friend. I don’t go after whoever I consider a ‘guy’ because a guy to me can only be that, a guy, more than a boy, but just not enough to be more than a friend or acquaintance. Guys can start out as boys, even as men, but once they become a ‘guy’ that is what they will remain. I have tons of guy friends, many have attempted another status, but whether they realize it or not, that is forever what they will be.
Then there is the final male, the best of them all, the Man. Men are the ones to depend on, whether it’s for dinner plans, to cheer you up, or to win your heart. Men are the ones who understand your side in most situations, give their everything, and are still there in the end. Men can fight to open the door first, give you a pick on planning, and/or listen to every word you say in detail, and ask you to keep going. Men can be friends, ‘man-friends’ (if you will), acquaintances, hell, they can be just anything, and any age. I’ve only had the fortune to date one ‘man’, and he started out as a really good friend, and though it is in his nature to not give up, we decided (after a trial) friendship would be best. Though I have made my case and point, and have stated we should only remain friends, he will always be there for me, and will always be waiting for another trial, if I allow it. Men wait, and wait it out good, and sometimes can be seen as nuisances, but be wary, for boys and guys can also pick up this trait, thus tricking you to think that the rest of them have transformed into men.
Right now I am currently in a state of singleness, which includes me being me. I am almost 20, and feel I have transformed from ‘girl’ to ‘woman’, and to some people, I will always be a ‘chick’ (apply previous details with slight changes). After this state of single-dom, I will continue this journey of life, searching for men to treat me right, as for I will treat them the same. That time will come when it comes, and it has no date of arrival, and I love learning new things about myself every day. I am loving getting used to this.

In Leu of Dead Brides.

I'm the type of girl who cant let anything go
but im learning.
I can stare at the mirror for hours
and baby, it's getting better every minute.
-
eating kiwi's and carrots with ranch makes me think of you.
-
I scramble over rocks and leap with my eyes wide open
I reach with all my might and heave with every ounce of strength.
-
singing in the rain and trampolines make me think of you.
-
my car is full of ladybugs
my heart if full of wonder
and my head is wrapped in confort and imbraces.
-
sandwiches and cut fingers make me think of you.
-
I'm a mess, but I think I pull it off well
I want to travel
I want to get the hell out of WA for awhile.
I still play my gameboy advance
and read comic books
and fall asleep durring long talks with friends
I cant remember how to swim to save my life
my foot is demolished
I like to model

and this world is mine for the taking.

I'm wide awake, it's morning

It's the groggy drives to work
the unnecessary break lights
forgotten turn signals.
It's waking up
but hitting the snooze
showers you fall asleep in
the breakfast you forget.
It's staying up late
watching movies
finding time to find yourself
fighting your eyelids.
It's life
and it's how you choose to live it
the day to day exercises
the gratitude.

The high cost of living

As I dive into the concrete
swim through sidewalk in this city
I'll feel new petals unfold
as old roots die
making way for the new

mirages all around me
but the end is still in mind
the pollution swims throughout my veins
my heart pumping gas like a machine
but this gasoline could never harm me
it makes it easier to breathe

the differences i am making
the changes in my tides
my orbiting moon still waning
my fingers itching to decide

these roots are pulling forward
these leaves are turning new
my feeling and skin are changing
I'm getting better
and I'll never be able to thank you.

Jennise 20:10, a revelation of sorts.

many people will tell you what to do, wether they mean to or not.
many people will say "keep going to school, the suffering is worth it" or "just stick through it"
I say to hell with that.
I'm almost twenty years old, and maybe I'm just starting to figure this out
but I feel so close.
I hate school, we dont mix, and I was mainly going because everyone was surrounding me with spears.
I think tonight I realized what I want to do...
everyting.
I want to learn as much as possible and have tons of different jobs in all ranges of the feild.
I want to travel and build and better people and live my life until it falls beaten to the ground
and then I'll beat it some more
"because I've got far too much left in me"

ALSO
I need to do this all for me
and tonight, that hit me.
I may be with people a lot
but really, I'm all alone.
"live together, die alone"
and if i cant be happy alone, I'm not happy around people
and vice versa
(wtf did i just say?)

I'm getting into the best shape of my life
and I'm finally getting comfortable in my skin
truely comfortable
I am starting to feel beautiful
inside
and out
and not matter what you do
I will only grow and thrive and laugh in your face

as of late, I've secluded myself from reality and the world
and that will continue until I come out of hybernation.
I'm going to focus on my world
because it's selfish
and the strongest, hardest thing I have ever done.

and one day
I'll prove to you
this was it.
this was all it took.

live your life.

I’m much weaker than the world seems to think.
I’m stubborn, and a pain in my own ass, I wonder how people put up with me sometimes.
Lately, life has been a bit more care-free than normal. I’ve been getting up, enjoying work, going home, and sometime in my day working out. Also, every weekend I conquer a mountain.
The only reason life has been so simple is because I have made it that way. I’ve only been focusing on 3 people; Katie, Shane, and myself.
And by focusing, I mean shutting out pretty much anyone else. Yes, it’s cold, but I feel it’s the right thing to do. When you focus on the entire world for your whole life, only to find out its wrong and tearing you apart, you need to change it.
Everyone sees me as a good person, a sweet girl that’s always happy. That’s a disguise, as many people have them. Yes, I can deal with it, but again, lately I’ve wanted to be happy just being me, the simple, enjoyable girl only 2 people really know.
Around other people, I change how I am and what I do to calm them and make them happy and their happiness is like a band aid for me. No matter who it is, if you aren’t Katie or Shane, I’m not really that…. ‘me’.
So what it boils down to is what I should do, what I think is right.
I’d love to keep life this way, only being myself, not feeling the need to change the way I am.
And no, it’s nothing you can control, it’s all me, no matter what you do I’m still not going to be %100. It’s bearable, but that feeling of complete being and worthiness is greater than gold.

So, either I go along with how things are and try to re-build myself around people I can never be myself around
or I start over a clean slate….

supernova

a solar system of freckles
a galaxy of feelings
a universe of skin.

the big bang of liking yourself
the beginning of a world you never knew
feelings you might deem alien.

digging new oceans
creating countries of valor
building civilizations of trust
and honor
and self respect.

to breaking down
building up
refurbishing
and fixing myself for me.

this time
its for me
and this time
i mean it.

if you don't believe me
well fine, i cant change you're mind
i don't care if the whole world is against me...
I'll start a new one.

I don't mind what anybody else does.

This is to running like airplanes down a trial full of roots and rocks
and having no care in the world.
this is to scaling the side of a mountain
with nothing but hopes of reaching the top
and trust in the person behind you.
but fear?
out of the question.
this is planning trips
and being ourselves
and enjoying every single second of it.
seahorses and raindrops
vanity and stupidity
picking at cuts
not wanting the bleeding to stop.
these are the reasons
the ways
i'll get better.
this is surrounding myself with friends who get up and go
and do.
no more second guesses
or insecurities
THIS IS GETTING SHIT DONE.
the time you have is all you got.
think about it
why dream about heroes
and what you could do with your life
be your own hero
go out and do something with your life
do ANYTHING with it
this is the best friends you're making
and the time you take to better them
and yourself.
this
is
victory.

54

this is to awesome sex
and warzones
inside jokes that mean the universe to me.
this is to your good breath
and your ears
and to cursing and singing and dancing.
this is to touching
tickling
and the nightmares you help me out of.
this is for long nights at sharis
getting lost in cars
and flexing.
this is rock climbing
and hiking
and falling more in love with your rollerblading
goofy
awesome
one of a kind
best friend.

this is a draft that will forever be that
a post that will never be seen
because no one understands.
not even me.

This is the feeling

of pulling un-rooted baby teeth out
the sharp pain you get when you know you did the right thing
but still feel like dirt
cigarette buds
coffee grounds.

this is diving into the feelings i dont want to re-surface
this is wanting to punch your lights out til this very fucking day.
this is to gaining, losing, and cutting off friends.

I'm broken
but this wasnt self inflicted.
i'm still cleaning up the mess you made
I'm still fighting the urge to get the fuck up and move away
but what good will it do?

the times you didnt pick up the phone
or listen when i said something wasnt okay
the time i ran my gas tank and heart out for you
and you didnt say one god damn word of thanks.
you left
you dissapeard.

and i've done my fair share of hurt and stupidity
trust me, I have
but fuck, why not?
over the years, I finally realized
this is about me
all of it
every god damn
stinking
rotting
horrible drop of it.

this inner fight is just that, inner.
and lately, if ive been talking to you
consider yourself one lucky duck
because i'm sick of being me
being manipulated
taken advantage of
even in the smallest way possible.

this world was made for us to bend
break
pollute
destroy
just as well as anybody living on it.
life is a recurring nightmare after another
it's a wake up, follow suit, do your best, fall asleep.
i's make them happy, make yourself happy, and be constantly happy all the time.

it will never happen
ever
no matter how hard anyone tries
you are never happy %100 of the time
but you will try to fix your unhappiness
or someone elses.

the people who have hurt me
or stopped caring...
thank you.
I needed that.
you think I could be as strong as i am right now without you?
you thought you broke me
fuck, you didnt even care
but thank you.

as for what i've done?
ive trusted tall, lanky, dark beautiful boys with my heart
I've been taken advantage of
dumped
and curbstomped.
I've stopped comming back for more
and hell, i dont miss a minute of you.
but i still hope you miss me.

this life isnt about the physical portion of it
this is about everything else
why we are here
why we feel
or work
or do shitty things to good people
good things to shitty people
why do you come back for more?
because maybe
just maybe
you are as masochistic as I am.

welcome to the middle.
you will never find the end
but keep feeling
fighting
living
keep fucking going
because you are beautiful
and you are worth it.

actually

i'm changing that...
my goal for the day is to start ridding myself of friends who dont do anything to fix a problem
not even look for a solution.
i've saved tons of my friendships
just let them go on, even
but now?
fuck that
if you dont try as much as me, you arent worth it
if you cant forgive small mistakes easily like me,
then we're going to have to work on that.
right now, i'm starting.

thank you seattle!
have a nice life.

making a difference.

this is it, this is the start.
this is me changing for the better
this is trying and fighting and hurting
and masochism.
self improvement is self destruction.

today a friend posted a blog about something i did, not knowing i did it
and she made my day
http://eccentricescapade.blogspot.com/2010/05/random-acts-of-kindness.html
and it makes me wonder, how many other people are impacted by me without me, or maybe even them, knowing?
it made me feel golden
because i go out of my way to make people happy
and starting this week, i'm shooting for the stars.

there's a show called the buried life
www.theburiedlife.com
it's roughly what i want to do
make a list of things to accomplish
and at the same time, better other peoples lives/lists.

another thing
christopher guiterrez
is still my hero.
http://askheychris.livejournal.com/

and i'm making new mistakes
starting new beginings
and this is for the better
"sometimes burning bridges is the only way to ensure you wont return to unhealthy situations."

im making a friend
one to keep for a long time
and he's just a friend
because right now, it's me time
so this is my post to the world
you can be friends with the oposite sex and just be friends
thank you, thank you very much.

todays goal?
feel beautiful.