Thursday, October 23, 2014

It's growing up

And it's faster than you could have imagined
They tell you to treasure the days
But you don't know what you've got
Until you find that old feeling
That reminds you it's gone.
So this verse is about you
Though I can't use words to make you understand
This is the healthiest I've felt
The happiest I can remember
And I'm trying to not be hurt by the fact you don't want any part of it.
Those things you said in the feild
Forever changed the way I look at you
You'll never trust me like I want
So what's the point in giving all I've got
When I know I can't make you budge.
I can't change the person I've always been
But I can try little things to make her better
Spreading my love is not spreading my legs
Though you'll never give me a second try
I probably don't deserve it anyway

Monday, October 20, 2014

I have no compass

But I'm working on things I never thought I needed
I didn't realize the way I put myself down in everyday conversation
So thanks for opening my eyes.
Two days in a hotel bed
These four walls could be worse
The wine could be better.
We're both lost and broken
But this comfort is unbelievable
And I would give anything to live in your eyes.
I should know by now we're not a perfect match
But my body has never felt so loved
My mind can finally let him go.

Tuesday, October 14, 2014

How am I going to find my way home?

A needle into a bug
A pill to take for your grief
The words I find are not compassionate
And most likely not convincing.
I'm a broken piece of who I was
It'll just take years to find
A little bulb that has burned out
That's harder to replace than I'd like.
I'm a vessel built for guiding
Finding is not my purpose
Because when I look, all I see
Is the world moving on, sans me.
I'm not the person you wanted
I never was the best friend I could be
Useless and hopeless, looking to find
A deeper meaning in this shitty poetry.

Sunday, October 5, 2014

It's really difficult to explain my life in full thoughts lately.
Growing up in the nineties, I was taught by my surroundings that you find a mate, get serious, marry, have babies, and live happily ever after. My parents married after two years of dating at the age of 24, and had kids at age 28, 30, and 32. When my parents divorced at the age of 42, I was a ripe age of twelve, and so confused by the world around me.
I promised myself that I would marry at the same age, and procreate at the same age. I thought it was a way to prove myself to the world. I am such a stubborn human being.
Currently, I am the age my parents were at marriage, I don't know how they did it. My life is changing daily, my feelings are always fluctuating, my brain never on the same idea. How did two people (that have both confided in me the confusion of this age) decide to marry before their main changes in life?
Maybe it's a matter of hindsight being 20/20. Maybe it's the fear and the butterflies telling you to jump.
I never thought I would be (more or less) single at this time of my life. I also never thought I would live this long, laugh this hard, and love vegetables as much as I do.
I have learned life throws weird things at you at every turn, and though this is a boring blog post to read, I needed to get it out. Life doesn't have a rule book or a manual, it's a blank, leather bound book that you have to decorate yourself. Write, paint, draw, cover the pages in tears and candle wax. Get out what you can, because holding it in doesn't get you anywhere. Look back at the pages you've covered, and not just the bright ones. Contemplate your blank pages, but don't number them or start before you're there, it just gets too messy when you try to read the story aloud.
Keep going, because nobody but you can keep making those entries.
Do your best to love the mess.

Thursday, October 2, 2014

So maybe I'll never get married

Embellished in ivory
My dream was dismissed
The day you stopped lying
And kissing my lips.
I thought you would be the one
At the end of line
But alone I stand
Somewhere in the middle that I can't define.

Maybe I wasn't meant to be with anyone all along
It feels easier to think it was all a mean joke
Than to hope I'll find that feeling again.

Everything hurts.