Monday, November 30, 2009

we live in a beautiful world.

life is better. it may hurt, but what is better, pulling out the thorns, or keeping them in? i did the right thing, even if i feel bad, and life is getting better.
a few days left at school and then winter break, a month of working and relaxing until winter quarter. lets hope the weather doesn't hate us too bad this year.
Katie, i miss you again.
oh, and i wish i could control falling, but this time, i know its good.

Friday, November 27, 2009

I am ugly

I am one of the worst people I know. I am on the inside, I think too much, and what type of bitch hates crying around people? I am the worst friend someone could ask for, I change days I am going to hang out with someone, I put my trust into people too deep, and I go through boys like paper. I just want to be happy, but I fucking can't be. Sorry Jennise, not today!
Fuck this shit. I'm gonna go cry myself to sleep.

Sunday, November 22, 2009

I'm not saying that I will never know

I'm crazy. I don't understand why others dont realize.
I can't think in nice, structured sentances right now.
Everybody everybody (get down, get down now)
I am thinking of getting a new tattoo sometime soonish. As in soon, I mean after I touch up my last one and it gets closer to summer.
I'm falling, and this time I'm closing my eyes. yea yea, I fall too much, but I can't give up the adrenaline rush of wondering who will, or wont, catch me.
I was so scared last night, but your loud singing and drunked kisses made me calm.
I was even more scared later, and I really am not sure why, but you fixed things up so well.
I wish you would take pictures of me. I love modeling, but I love candidness better.
Write me a poem.
Write the world one about us.
I can't wait to see my other half <3
I am so glad I fell in love with my best friend so young. If boys came before you, I would be in shambles.
You are my rock.
Becomming a new person is hard to do. I knew I needed to change, but I never realized I was going to recreate myself. It's terrifying, and amazing.
Love me <3

Friday, November 20, 2009

what made you an alley cat?

I wish I could make out a calendar that had days that were titled "don't fuck up my day" and maybe other days could say "I don't care, talk to me today!"
I was having an awesome morning, and I know I shouldn't act like just because I'm okay, everyone else is, but someone had to confront me about something I am trying to feel okay about, and he ruined my whole fucking morning. I know you are hurt, I am trying to put that behind me so I can make myself better, but hearing you're hurt only makes me want to pity and make you feel better. I cant do that, I have to do this for me, even if you're hurt, I've pitied too much, THIS IS FOR ME, I HAVE TO DO THIS EVEN IT I HATE IT. I have to hurt others, because if I don't I hurt myself. I've done that for 19 damned years, let me grow up!

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Dear world, and everyone in it.

I love my life. I am happy. I am in this alone, I am here to fight, and get myself back. I am a trustworthy person, I am honest, but can sometimes be a bit too shy and... awkward. I have never been smooth with words, though writing is never as hard as speaking.
Today was nothing special, but the one thing that cheered up my day was a boy buying an engagement ring, and I reverted back to the days when I danced on the table and sang at the top of my lungs thinking I would either live happily ever after, or live in a house with my best friend with a "no boys allowed" door mat with a thousand cats, and I was fine with that thought.
I miss the days of not having to worry, so guess what? I'm reverting back. screw being so worried and awkward, I'm doing this for me, and the happiness I bring upon others shouldn't be my trying to bring them joy, it should be me living life and them happy because I am.
Best of luck to that couple. He deffinitly made my day.

Thoughts for the day

Good mood
GREAT mood
signed up for classes, literary approaches to the bible and math
working today from 1-5
then german hw, need to get at least a 1.7 to pass, aiming for a 2.1

katie, i still have your dance pants

... does anyone read this thing?

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

My day

work out (x)
start cleaning room ()
do math ()
study for german ()

today i did:
3 sets of 20 crunches
5 pushups
10 leglifts
a 25 minute power walk

goals by the end of this month:
be able to do 100 crunches without breaks
jog for 30 minutes w/o breaks
be able to do 30 pushups w/o breaks
and 30 leglifts w/o breaks

Tuesday, November 17, 2009


they're good to keep.

wake up (x)
get ready (x)
go to school (x)
go home and pretty up (x)
go to work, baby (x)
study for this math test ( )
hang out with him (x)
eat healthy (all day) (^)
do some sort of an exercise ( )
and possibly study for german ( )

Sometimes I think this cycle never ends

I'm a fighter. Every day I stand in a square ring and throw my best at the worst, hoping for an outcome. Sometimes, I throw some cheap shots, and more often then not I throw a chunk of myself out there, using all my strength I try to take my opponent by suprise. Most of the time, that rival somehow sees it comming, but if I'm lucky my trick will work, and I'll win that fight.
Today, my opponent is myself. Today, I'm in a ring fighting a mirror, getting hit with the exact punches I and throwing, and failing at dodging. No matter how many kicks, how many submissions, it always ends up tied.
Maybe I'll be able to win today, maybe today I can break that mirror.

Monday, November 16, 2009

Hello day

You are trying to rain me out, arent you? you're trying to make me cry and try to erase this page and start writing a new book. I can never finish, you never let me. I have so many unfinished books, so many crumpled up pieces of paper, every pencil is broken...
I cant do this, I cant ruin another perfectly good book... not this time. This time, I'm doing this for me, 'cause why not?