Wednesday, December 24, 2014

You don't tell anyone you're losing it
Not anymore
Because finally you realize you have gotten there
And no one wants to care.
You always feel like you're missing out
It's so much harder to enjoy
So when you're actually celebrating
It's easier to fake the joy.
Just keep your head up
But the ceiling is low, and the water is flooding in
Just smile today, it'll be okay
Tomorrow you won't exsist anymore.

Wednesday, November 5, 2014

Maybe one day I'll return
What you saw that night wasn't the old me
It was the new side
The side of giving up
Letting loose all that shit you held me to.
I'm not the girl you first met
I'm more confused than I've ever been
And I understand that now.
You're not the person that I first met either
You're quieter
And more afraid of showing a weakness.

She's a disaster with a drink in her hand
A raging mistake with tattoos of proof
And they laugh at the way she holds herself
When her blood is running clear.
Beware the alcohol
For the words you say will be forgotten
The laughter you cause will be out of spite
The affection shared - titled in vein.

You'll hate yourself to the very end
Until the bridge is looking higher each day.

Monday, November 3, 2014


Flowing from my fingertips
Words I can't control
Streaming live from my mind
I can't tell what thought I crave more.
Work all day to regret all night
And sleep and dream and pray
One day, everything will be better
The rat will win the race.
Forget everything you taught yourself
Because you're wrong, wrong, wrong
Nothing will change the steps you take
Just strangers keeping you strong.
Life is a warpath
A tank built for self destruction
Drop the bombs on the infidels
Drop your sense of self control.

Of men and robots

It's watching the clock tick in reverse
Reaching for the phone when it's already in your other hand
The feeling in your stomach that's far from full
And too heavy to hold anything else.
It's being too old to laugh at the age appropriate jokes
And too young to laugh at the drinkers
Stirring your coffee with your finger because asking for a spoon would raise your anxiety higher.
It's wanting to tell everyone
And screaming it at yourself instead
Hours of nodding and agreeing
Because you don't feel like bringing up the subject.
I'm worthless and lonely
But everyone I know would disagree
Yet that means nothing to me
Because I'll never be able to change the station in my mind.
The one that is telling me to drink more burnt coffee at midnight
Sing more distorted songs about love I'll never feel
And regret every time I didn't heed their warnings
Because I'm too damn stubborn to change

Thursday, October 23, 2014

It's growing up

And it's faster than you could have imagined
They tell you to treasure the days
But you don't know what you've got
Until you find that old feeling
That reminds you it's gone.
So this verse is about you
Though I can't use words to make you understand
This is the healthiest I've felt
The happiest I can remember
And I'm trying to not be hurt by the fact you don't want any part of it.
Those things you said in the feild
Forever changed the way I look at you
You'll never trust me like I want
So what's the point in giving all I've got
When I know I can't make you budge.
I can't change the person I've always been
But I can try little things to make her better
Spreading my love is not spreading my legs
Though you'll never give me a second try
I probably don't deserve it anyway

Monday, October 20, 2014

I have no compass

But I'm working on things I never thought I needed
I didn't realize the way I put myself down in everyday conversation
So thanks for opening my eyes.
Two days in a hotel bed
These four walls could be worse
The wine could be better.
We're both lost and broken
But this comfort is unbelievable
And I would give anything to live in your eyes.
I should know by now we're not a perfect match
But my body has never felt so loved
My mind can finally let him go.

Tuesday, October 14, 2014

How am I going to find my way home?

A needle into a bug
A pill to take for your grief
The words I find are not compassionate
And most likely not convincing.
I'm a broken piece of who I was
It'll just take years to find
A little bulb that has burned out
That's harder to replace than I'd like.
I'm a vessel built for guiding
Finding is not my purpose
Because when I look, all I see
Is the world moving on, sans me.
I'm not the person you wanted
I never was the best friend I could be
Useless and hopeless, looking to find
A deeper meaning in this shitty poetry.

Sunday, October 5, 2014

It's really difficult to explain my life in full thoughts lately.
Growing up in the nineties, I was taught by my surroundings that you find a mate, get serious, marry, have babies, and live happily ever after. My parents married after two years of dating at the age of 24, and had kids at age 28, 30, and 32. When my parents divorced at the age of 42, I was a ripe age of twelve, and so confused by the world around me.
I promised myself that I would marry at the same age, and procreate at the same age. I thought it was a way to prove myself to the world. I am such a stubborn human being.
Currently, I am the age my parents were at marriage, I don't know how they did it. My life is changing daily, my feelings are always fluctuating, my brain never on the same idea. How did two people (that have both confided in me the confusion of this age) decide to marry before their main changes in life?
Maybe it's a matter of hindsight being 20/20. Maybe it's the fear and the butterflies telling you to jump.
I never thought I would be (more or less) single at this time of my life. I also never thought I would live this long, laugh this hard, and love vegetables as much as I do.
I have learned life throws weird things at you at every turn, and though this is a boring blog post to read, I needed to get it out. Life doesn't have a rule book or a manual, it's a blank, leather bound book that you have to decorate yourself. Write, paint, draw, cover the pages in tears and candle wax. Get out what you can, because holding it in doesn't get you anywhere. Look back at the pages you've covered, and not just the bright ones. Contemplate your blank pages, but don't number them or start before you're there, it just gets too messy when you try to read the story aloud.
Keep going, because nobody but you can keep making those entries.
Do your best to love the mess.

Thursday, October 2, 2014

So maybe I'll never get married

Embellished in ivory
My dream was dismissed
The day you stopped lying
And kissing my lips.
I thought you would be the one
At the end of line
But alone I stand
Somewhere in the middle that I can't define.

Maybe I wasn't meant to be with anyone all along
It feels easier to think it was all a mean joke
Than to hope I'll find that feeling again.

Everything hurts.

Sunday, September 7, 2014

You're something new

The pieces you gave me to hold onto are scattered through out my room
My life forever changed by the way you see me
You're not what I expected
And I love that.
You're not wrong for the way you act around me
You're being honest and sweet
And I love every time I am holding you as close as I can.
Don't apologize for the disorder
I couldn't handle it if there was a plan
And thanks for reading my writing
Even when it's messy and detached.
I want to forever be the good girl that pleases you
Even if you leave me back here while you travel
Just don't forget how precious you are to me
Please try to keep me close.

Wednesday, August 27, 2014

If even a moment, I had you.
This was ours, lying under this tree
No one could break the the bridge that we so skillfully crafted
Every nail had your words holding it down
And every board was set with purpose.
I wanted to know how long this bridge would stand
But that was not the point of this bridge
To help you find the state you want to be in
Not to question its durability.
The moment you look too close at the seams
The lightened steps you take to insure your safety
That's when the boards break.
Don't question the love that it took to build
Revel in the fact that we built this together
That for a moment, we were standing alone together
Uncaring to where this path lead.

Thursday, July 24, 2014

unhinge your jaw like the snake you came from
work your body until the victim is devoured
shed your skin like the serpent you hide from
split your tongue towards the people who hate you

there are two ways to go about killing a bird
a stone thrown in vein 
toward the feathers high above
a slow quiet existence, keep your distance

your feet above water
the embers burn warm
and the place in your heart that you had found sanctuary
never felt so far from home

dig in your nails
fight the skin with teeth
a blade against flesh, a drop to show power
become one with the feelings that you have burried deep

two eyes paired together
a color quiet breath taking
the feeling in my chest that reminds my very being
that even the holiest will lower to the weak.

Monday, July 21, 2014

Watch the waves crash upon the sand
My heart has always been in my hands
I possess the power to will it to break
To heal the wounds as the waves pull away.

Lips upon skin
Feet laced together
I forever want to awaken
By a storm coming closer.

The darkness that plays with my emotions
Cloud cover that never subsides
A stream of light, rarely peaking though
I bask in the freedom of my strides.

A walk on the cliffs of my dreamworld
I wander so far alone
And this time I am smiling
Because alone has never felt so much like home.

Monday, June 30, 2014

I hate the way you laugh
The way you smile when you're too excited
The words you use when you're confused.
I hate the way you think you're always right
The way you drive when you're upset
And i hate the things you say to yourself when you're alone.

I wish I loved my thighs
I wish I didn't hate my mood swings
But the things I say when I'm upset should be stopped in their tracks.

I hate how I treat you
And how you act when they're around
The noises my head makes
And the way my body bloats at the end of the day.

I don't want to be here any more
I've left so many times
But the door never fully closed.

So good bye guilt
Unhappiness and doubt
I don't need you in my life
But it's impossible to shut that door

Sunday, June 29, 2014

When you have depression, everything feels like a fight.
It's a fight to turn off my computer and sleep, because I know what my mind does after the lights turn off.
It's an argument with myself to get dressed in the morning, because my body looks to much better without elastic and spandex and jeans cinching it together.
It's a fight to talk to my friends or family, because I hate every word that comes out of my mouth
and when things do come out, they usually aren't what I want them to sound like.
Depression is harder than rock climbing
it is sitting in your own skin, wanting to rip everything from the walls, burning your poems and stories, and leaving this fucking city.
Depression makes me question everything.
Did I say that right? Should I have bought that up?
That was stupid. I am stupid. I am worthless.
Depression for me is constantly seeing a dollar sign, and not being able to pay the digits
It's waking up in the morning and not being able to put a taste to the feelings in my head
It's day to day, hard to get up, hard to sit down, hard to look at anyone without second guessing yourself.
Depression is not the place I want to call home.

I want to be able to wake up smiling
Knowing it's an effort, but an effort to keep at.
I want to be able to talk to my boyfriend without blowing up, because I can't put these feelings into words that make sense to sensible people.
I want to feel liberated and stunning and beautiful
not misunderstood, shy, and frumpy
I can't get myself to put on make up every morning
but maybe covering up would help.
I wish it didn't.

I feel like I am stuck at the bottom of the kiddy pool
like vines have wrapped up my feet from the base of my existence
like everything I have ever done is useless and stupid and a time fill
and I don't want to feel like a regret.

Depression is not just confusing to the people on the outside.

Thursday, June 26, 2014

You promise me words I ask to not hear
I've been so sick of words floating around my ears
Tonight all I could think of was him
Though you wished and pinned nothing gave in.
I want actions, not words
I want current understanding, not changing your tone later.
I'm sick of acting like everything is okay
I will never be the perfect girl for you
Just a tangled mess you try to look past.
Maybe I look good out of the corner of your eye
But I'm not the girl you once met years ago
I've eaten her pathetic heart
and destroyed her intentions
They are back with a vengeance,
And they smell your fear.
So cast it away
And claim what you want
I want actions, not words
Decisions, not questions.

Monday, April 7, 2014

This skin has felt many things
From liars and mischievous men
To the best of stories and friends.
These eyes have seen many difficulties
Read stories of passion and pain
While these hands have written many words.
Cover this skin in art most colorful
From the grasses beneath my bare feet
To the extent of the imagination.
Pierce that which feels un-enjoyed
Bring light to the bland and the boring
Take a bit of skin to replace it with metal.
I do not feel beautiful looking upon my parchment skin
However the art that my friends have worked at
Makes me feel loved and whole.
I was born a blank canvas
And just as acrylic ads weight against the frame
I will loosen and sag
And still feel beautiful as I look in the mirror.

Saturday, March 22, 2014

It's because of you I fight to keep going
the night always brings the darkness out best.
It's because you have opened the door to your head
that I can finally see into your heart.
I want to keep learning, what obstacles will scare you
what situations will you thrive from
how you will make that garden flourish.
As long as you let me into your realm
I am here to wander it
learn what you know
and plant the seeds I have already formed.
I want you to be my wonder
for you to fill my lungs with hope and strength
I will be here for your stability and caress.
I want to be the pebbles you skip on a sunny day
the light that drowns out the rest
I want to be your first
because I hope you to be my last.

Wednesday, March 19, 2014

less catching up and more slowing down
every once in awhile we don't float that well
and forget we can drown.
less giving in and more branching out
walking around this spacious city
removes all my doubt.

we forget we are loved,
find a dark cloud and get stuck under it
but if we just look up
the light might find us
and remind us to never surrender.

Sunday, January 26, 2014

Some days I hate who I am. I've always been a person that works better around others. When I can't get that interaction that keeps me positive, I go into status lock.
Why is everything so dark In my head? Why does everything mirror and reach out? When I was a teenager I could just go for a run and scream it out, listen to my music and quote inspiration. I'm lucky if I wake up happy, and not feeling vengeful towards myself.
I don't think I'll ever love myself fully. I would rather someone else hold that responsibility.
I trust you more than I could ever trust me.

Wednesday, January 22, 2014

so i sit alone

and contemplate my feelings.
the thoughts that I let drift in and out of my brain
if only those little thoughts were ladybugs and butterflies
I would have the healthiest garden.

can i quit?

Thursday, January 9, 2014

it's days like these

I'm sitting on my bed
wearing a wolf ear hat
watching my cat try to nonchalantly take over my keyboard
I'm on my fifth, make that sixth refill of water in my 32 oz bottle
I cant decide if I want to take a bath or go to bed early.
and today was a good day
the first day of my anti-depressants
and I am content at where I am right now in this world.
I am not worried about the past
the future seems so exciting at this point in time
and I am so happy with how content I am.
well, there goes the left side of the keyboard. thanks cat.

I am suddenly feeling like such an adult
and I am too comfortable to worry about it. 

Monday, January 6, 2014


I don't want to work 9-5 just to stay alive
I want to be happy where I am
wherever I find myself.
I want to walk into the kitchen
and not hear my mom sobbing about her unaccounted for daughter at Christmas
or see my father and never see a forced smile.
I want to forever have this smell on my skin
of sweat and dust and new beginnings.
I want to go to bed
and not worry what mood i might be in when i wake in the morning.
I want us to both promise to never leave
to forgive and forget
to keep trying until there are no options left.