Monday, November 18, 2013

it's like painting a base coat
and letting it weather
watching the protective barrier scrape away
then trying to paint over without any faults.
a year can seem like forever
but some days the reminders are too much
so I fight my brain and smile and smile
because nobody likes a broken record.
I breathe deep and I think of your words
I think of Chicago and home and of your hands
and I sometimes forget how easy it is to slip
the darkness and I go together well.
and maybe one day I will find my fix
but I hope it's already here
because I am working hard and I can try to do my best
because this is my mess to tidy
and I never want to leave it to anyone else
because I love it too much to fail again.

Thursday, November 7, 2013

because you have to remember the bottom to find your way up

every step feels instantly gratifying
because it took me a year to start feeling myself
understanding a heart beat again.
because I wasnt ready last time
and I fell and I fucked up
and I brought you down too
but you still offered a hand when I needed help up
and maybe I didn't deserve it
but I am going to make damn sure I do.
everything I said about wanting a future with you was true
I was just still covering myself in bandages
and wasnt ready for those leaps and bounds.
part of me wishes I would have been
but the process of this year has proven that I need more fights
more falls, disappointments, and misunderstandings
because how else would we find truth and solitude?
the rust in my lungs has finally started clearing
the aches in my bones feel real and reminding
my fingers ache to be closer to you
to feel your hair and freckles again.
I don't deserve the world just yet
but in my eyes, you do
and I want to do everything possible to make you happy and comforted
and loved.

I said it at new years, and I meant it
this was a great year
not what I expected
but what I needed.

dont forget about me

lying on this rustling ground
I smell an aroma of flowers and fresh pine
I feel your muscle move with the earth
and I want is to hear that heart beat.
I want to walk a winding path that breaks me out of my comfort
to feel the water wake up my skin as the wildlife moves around me
everything seems sacred
and lush.
I want to prove to myself that I am a great person
forgiving, selfless, honest
and this year hasn't been easy
but as I like to remind myself:
nothing great is ever easy.
but if I practice my craft
maybe these moves wont feel so foreign
I will be able to win back that feeling again.

Friday, November 1, 2013

Captian, Jerry

But what if you died tomorrow?
I'd want a bottle of whiskey, I said
Because then I wouldn't feel the consequences of tomorrow.
I wouldn't feel this ocean in my head,
and the submarine my thoughts control.
I wouldn't have to contemplate if what I have done will change my fate
If the choices I make are correct.
It's so much easier to look back than to look forward
Or to even look at yourself in the moment.
Why have I fallen? Where will I land?
Why must I be stuck in my own reality?
I really need to stop drinking whiskey.