remember when a year ago felt like a really long time?

remember when running and singing and screaming was the only thing to fix the hurt?

do you remember when the pain was stronger than your pulse?

those nights you wanted to cut it away

sign away your life in deep crimson.

I can remember those days

the ones when I got hurt more than i could count

and every once in awhile i would be destroyed by liars

you promised to always be there

to never hurt me

I hope karma never forgets your name

because baby, you hurt me

bad.

remember the little white moth I saved?

I remember the time you flipped your truck

I never got to know you well enough

and it's pathetic

but I miss you

when we learned "my heart will go on" on the recorder

it meant a lot to me

but the marks on my arm spoke louder than any word that could ever come out of your mouth

you hurt me

you molested my hopes and dreams

and tore my porcelain future apart

do you remember me?

I can never forget you

your height

your eyes

the things your fingers told me

and the things mine did to recreate you

I lived in fear

always in fear

you broke it

the line that kept me tied to life

the life support from trust and honesty and good judgement

its never too late to say you're sorry

I called

I texted

I messaged

I met you in person

and to everyone I might have ever hurt, I told them I was sorry

and they either shrugged, or forgave me

and it was scary

but it is never

ever

too late

as long as you're heart is still beating, keep your lips moving

say what you mind wants you to

make love to the darkness

weep to the sun

and never forget to say you're sorry.

serotonin

I want to be new again

not broken or scarred

I want to feel whole

and comforted

and understood

and happy

shit, do I want to feel happy

no the normal smile and cheer

I have plenty of that

I want this dark, endless mind to settle

wake up

see the colors and breathe them in

maybe i am just doomed to try and fix things

but its not like i ever can

I just try til my heart bleeds out.

as you shoot across the sky

I have been all over lately

up and down, covington, kirkland, seatac

all over

I cant stay in one place

my mind is full to the top

I need someone

I always have

but people usually fade out in a matter of months

sometimes years

it is usually a good amount of my help

I give up on people

because they dont put in enough

I think I found someone to stay with me

I want an older brother

a guide, someone to help me

to learn from

I just need to do this, and not worry what others will think

I need someone

and for a long time I disabled that

because boyfriends get uncomfortable

but baby

I need this

I just wanna be told I kick more ass than every other girl you've ever met.

drowning

falling

I just cant pick me up

I cant swim

I need someones help

but every ones hands are falling off

they keep speaking, but their words turn into bubbles and pop

nothing is real

nothing happens

I keep falling

letting my unorganized life take over

letting my disorders take over

no one sees

and I cant get myself to speak to save my life

I hurt so much

so so so so much

every emotion, every plan that falls through

every step hurts

but it doesn't matter

i don't matter

nothing matters.

If I drank, I would be drunk right now

if I did drugs, Kurt and I would be talking right now

but I don't like that shit

so I am going to go cry and fall asleep on a wet pillow

and you're going to think nothing of this blog.

p.s. I am loosing my Christmas spirit

you say you love me

but right now

you need to prove it.

sorry I am a big ugly mistake

I'll leave you alone now.

I was just trying to be a good person.

thought release; engage.

I want to write a thousand letters

I want to tell you every thought that has ever crossed my mind

I want to fall asleep at a normal hour, for once

I would enjoy making better money

I want to kiss you in a field of tall grass

and make love near a lake under moonlight

I don't want you to ever leave

you're the closest thing I have ever had to an older brother

you're the best friend I have ever had

you could improve

you need to believe in yourself a little more

i need you here with me

you're my super glue

and I'm never putting you down

my body and I

my accomplishments

my downfalls

my beauty.

it's all here. right here, on my body.

I have been through a lot in this vessel

this machine

this construct of bones and flesh and muscle

I have hurt myself

cutting flesh

mutilating insides

destroying dreams

picking skin

bitting nails

ripping hair

eating disorders

broken bones

ripped tendons

open wounds in my heart.

I have done so much to myself

I used to depend on people to depend on me

I lived off of it, breathed it

"maybe if I fix them, my problems go away"

I was wrong

I was terrible

and I hurt

me.

the worst thing you can do is hurt yourself

and I did it

I sometimes still do, little things, when I am not thinking

if it hurts, why do I still do this?

people still love me

live off of my help

my words

my breath

but I cant seem to grasp that.

I dont need to live your life and fix your problems

it just creates more for me

but I need you.