Monday, December 27, 2010

remember when a year ago felt like a really long time?

remember when running and singing and screaming was the only thing to fix the hurt?
do you remember when the pain was stronger than your pulse?
those nights you wanted to cut it away
sign away your life in deep crimson.

I can remember those days
the ones when I got hurt more than i could count
and every once in awhile i would be destroyed by liars
you promised to always be there
to never hurt me
I hope karma never forgets your name
because baby, you hurt me

remember the little white moth I saved?
I remember the time you flipped your truck
I never got to know you well enough
and it's pathetic
but I miss you

when we learned "my heart will go on" on the recorder
it meant a lot to me
but the marks on my arm spoke louder than any word that could ever come out of your mouth
you hurt me
you molested my hopes and dreams
and tore my porcelain future apart
do you remember me?
I can never forget you
your height
your eyes
the things your fingers told me
and the things mine did to recreate you
I lived in fear
always in fear
you broke it
the line that kept me tied to life
the life support from trust and honesty and good judgement
its never too late to say you're sorry

I called
I texted
I messaged
I met you in person
and to everyone I might have ever hurt, I told them I was sorry
and they either shrugged, or forgave me
and it was scary
but it is never
too late
as long as you're heart is still beating, keep your lips moving
say what you mind wants you to
make love to the darkness
weep to the sun

and never forget to say you're sorry.


I want to be new again
not broken or scarred
I want to feel whole
and comforted
and understood
and happy
shit, do I want to feel happy
no the normal smile and cheer
I have plenty of that
I want this dark, endless mind to settle
wake up
see the colors and breathe them in
maybe i am just doomed to try and fix things
but its not like i ever can

I just try til my heart bleeds out.

Sunday, December 26, 2010

as you shoot across the sky

I have been all over lately
up and down, covington, kirkland, seatac
all over
I cant stay in one place
my mind is full to the top

I need someone
I always have
but people usually fade out in a matter of months
sometimes years
it is usually a good amount of my help
I give up on people
because they dont put in enough

I think I found someone to stay with me
I want an older brother
a guide, someone to help me
to learn from
I just need to do this, and not worry what others will think
I need someone
and for a long time I disabled that
because boyfriends get uncomfortable
but baby

I need this

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

I just wanna be told I kick more ass than every other girl you've ever met.

I just cant pick me up
I cant swim
I need someones help
but every ones hands are falling off
they keep speaking, but their words turn into bubbles and pop
nothing is real
nothing happens
I keep falling
letting my unorganized life take over
letting my disorders take over
no one sees
and I cant get myself to speak to save my life
I hurt so much
so so so so much
every emotion, every plan that falls through
every step hurts
but it doesn't matter
i don't matter
nothing matters.
If I drank, I would be drunk right now
if I did drugs, Kurt and I would be talking right now
but I don't like that shit
so I am going to go cry and fall asleep on a wet pillow
and you're going to think nothing of this blog.

p.s. I am loosing my Christmas spirit

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

you say you love me

but right now
you need to prove it.

sorry I am a big ugly mistake
I'll leave you alone now.

I was just trying to be a good person.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

thought release; engage.

I want to write a thousand letters
I want to tell you every thought that has ever crossed my mind
I want to fall asleep at a normal hour, for once
I would enjoy making better money
I want to kiss you in a field of tall grass
and make love near a lake under moonlight
I don't want you to ever leave
you're the closest thing I have ever had to an older brother
you're the best friend I have ever had
you could improve
you need to believe in yourself a little more
i need you here with me
you're my super glue
and I'm never putting you down

my body and I

my accomplishments
my downfalls
my beauty.
it's all here. right here, on my body.

I have been through a lot in this vessel
this machine
this construct of bones and flesh and muscle

I have hurt myself
cutting flesh
mutilating insides
destroying dreams
picking skin
bitting nails
ripping hair
eating disorders
broken bones
ripped tendons
open wounds in my heart.

I have done so much to myself
I used to depend on people to depend on me
I lived off of it, breathed it
"maybe if I fix them, my problems go away"
I was wrong
I was terrible
and I hurt

the worst thing you can do is hurt yourself
and I did it
I sometimes still do, little things, when I am not thinking

if it hurts, why do I still do this?
people still love me
live off of my help
my words
my breath
but I cant seem to grasp that.

I dont need to live your life and fix your problems
it just creates more for me

but I need you.