Monday, June 30, 2014

I hate the way you laugh
The way you smile when you're too excited
The words you use when you're confused.
I hate the way you think you're always right
The way you drive when you're upset
And i hate the things you say to yourself when you're alone.

I wish I loved my thighs
I wish I didn't hate my mood swings
But the things I say when I'm upset should be stopped in their tracks.

I hate how I treat you
And how you act when they're around
The noises my head makes
And the way my body bloats at the end of the day.

I don't want to be here any more
I've left so many times
But the door never fully closed.

So good bye guilt
Unhappiness and doubt
I don't need you in my life
But it's impossible to shut that door

Sunday, June 29, 2014

When you have depression, everything feels like a fight.
It's a fight to turn off my computer and sleep, because I know what my mind does after the lights turn off.
It's an argument with myself to get dressed in the morning, because my body looks to much better without elastic and spandex and jeans cinching it together.
It's a fight to talk to my friends or family, because I hate every word that comes out of my mouth
and when things do come out, they usually aren't what I want them to sound like.
Depression is harder than rock climbing
it is sitting in your own skin, wanting to rip everything from the walls, burning your poems and stories, and leaving this fucking city.
Depression makes me question everything.
Did I say that right? Should I have bought that up?
That was stupid. I am stupid. I am worthless.
Depression for me is constantly seeing a dollar sign, and not being able to pay the digits
It's waking up in the morning and not being able to put a taste to the feelings in my head
It's day to day, hard to get up, hard to sit down, hard to look at anyone without second guessing yourself.
Depression is not the place I want to call home.

I want to be able to wake up smiling
Knowing it's an effort, but an effort to keep at.
I want to be able to talk to my boyfriend without blowing up, because I can't put these feelings into words that make sense to sensible people.
I want to feel liberated and stunning and beautiful
not misunderstood, shy, and frumpy
I can't get myself to put on make up every morning
but maybe covering up would help.
I wish it didn't.

I feel like I am stuck at the bottom of the kiddy pool
like vines have wrapped up my feet from the base of my existence
like everything I have ever done is useless and stupid and a time fill
and I don't want to feel like a regret.

Depression is not just confusing to the people on the outside.

Thursday, June 26, 2014

You promise me words I ask to not hear
I've been so sick of words floating around my ears
Tonight all I could think of was him
Though you wished and pinned nothing gave in.
I want actions, not words
I want current understanding, not changing your tone later.
I'm sick of acting like everything is okay
I will never be the perfect girl for you
Just a tangled mess you try to look past.
Maybe I look good out of the corner of your eye
But I'm not the girl you once met years ago
I've eaten her pathetic heart
and destroyed her intentions
They are back with a vengeance,
And they smell your fear.
So cast it away
And claim what you want
I want actions, not words
Decisions, not questions.