Sunday, March 28, 2010

I'll scream it from every mountain top

It's because I realized you're here in ten days...
And maybe, karma doesn't hate me
Because after 5 years
I finally get what I've been looking for these 19.5 years of my life.
I get that feeling inside
Like the one you receive during turbulence
Or that queasy feeling that you cant help but smile and scream about
That enters your stomach at the top of the roller coaster.
It’s the reason why I started squealing
And almost cried
While driving home with you in my mind
And vanilla twilight by owl city in the background.
I feel this all because throughout the years
You’re the one thing I've wanted
But only been able to look at from far away
Only been able to touch through gloved hands
And now, I get to see you up close
Feel you with my skin
And Kiss every inch of your amazing being.
You’re always on my mind
You’re name is constantly on my lips
I know exactly what you're feeling
And what sad, somber, or ridiculous face you are making
When you say something, sigh, or produce an adorable sound out of your lips.
It’s because you're always going to be here,
No matter what I do
It’s because I can tell that we're in this together
That I have the need to tell you
That Johnny Kunz, I love you.

Sunday, March 14, 2010

because why not?

Friday, March 12, 2010


"This isn't about you, it's about me, it always has been."
Some days are easier than others. Some days, easy is good enough. Some days, easy is the unattainable. But most days, easy is just that - easy. And nothing great is ever easy.
Some days, it’s easier to not try than to try and fail. Some days, the guilt isn’t that bad. Some days, I strive toward goals. But those some days are few and far between. I am God’s daily masochistic peep show. Wasn’t the lesson that Eve eating the apple was bad? That we are forever cursed? But Cursed is my theme song. Because for all the innocence lost, for the shame we feel, for our impending damnation, it makes me feel alive.
So bring on the heartbreak, bring on the failure, bring on the scabbed knees, wrong turns and sleepless nights because I’m not broken yet, and I’ve got far too much left in me. This iron heart may be dented and rusted, but goddamnit, she’s a runner. And I need more fights, more cheap shots, more sucker punches, more back stabs and disappointing friends. Because I’m still laughing, and I never stop swinging. So bring it on, because you don’t know who the fuck you’re dealing with.

Christopher Gutierrez <3

Since the disintegration of her parent's marriage she'd only love two things

And its times like these that I feel like Summer Finn.
Summer: You believe in that?
Tom: It's love, it's not Santa Claus.

This movie can explain more about me than I realized when I first watched it, while I was in a relationship.
after that relationship, I showed it to two boyfriends, not understanding Summer's view while I was in those relationships because of one thing: love.
or what I think love is.
truthfully, I think I have been honestly in love 3 times. that means 1/5th of my boyfriends. Sue me.
Since those times, and the disintegration of those three experiences, I have done only what seemed right to do, search for more love.
Aaron Schindehette captured my heart the first time he spoke to me, with his hair covering his eye and his "the used" shirt covering his skinny build. I couldn't stop thinking about him, and no matter what, he always made me happy. I did everything in my power for that boy, but I was wrong, SO so wrong to fall for him.
5 months, not many after we started dating, we ended. I wanted that kid to have my heart, but little did I know he didn't want it. He was in the midst of finding himself, changing for the better, and I was the one on the sidelines, the one with that huge stupid foam finger with a smile on my face and eyeliner running into my mouth.
So I bounced back, at the time I didn't understand what he was doing, that it was actually the right thing and I was just the unlucky girl caught in the net. In the right place at the wrong time. truth be told, I needed it. Man I'm a dense one.
Second, Jeremy Pearson. I can't state it any better than Christopher Gutierrez does, so here you go.

"you continually chase after that night he kissed you under the streetlights so hard it made you float back into your room to write a journal post about how amazing and perfect he was.
but he’ll never kiss you like that again,
and despite all attempts of re-living that night,
he will perpetually disappoint,
because that night despite all good judgement,
you idealised."

I fell (yet again) for a broken boy, one in the middle of a battle I could never hold a shield for, but he kissed me that way. He ripped the breath from my chest, but more than a year later after continuously wanting that night back, I gave up.
Then there is number 3, Aaron Locke. He was quite, nervous, and so held back one can't even believe how far he's come. I'm starting to see a pattern, are you? He was fun to talk to, and my last hope at believing love wasn't a fairytale, he was my last hope, my stupid decision hours after I said "fuck guys tonight, this one is for me". Months of battling and hurting and losing that nice shy feeling, I had to make a decision, this is one that I am less willing to talk about, because it really proves my stupidity. I feel wasted.
All that has come out of those relationships? experience. That's not what I fucking want, god damn you. I want love, I want a RING on my FINGER and a BOY at my SIDE to be there NO MATTER WHAT. But it's not going to happen, not for a long time, and no matter how much I feel like I am lying through my teeth, I need this, I love this, single is good.
Back to the beginning point - Summer Finn. She is broken. She is flawed and confused and fucked up from years that no one could replace. The only thing that keeps me going through this all is the end of that movie. Because no matter how many people you hurt, or how many hurt you, you need this. "You have to hurt and have the bad times so when we find happiness, we truly appreciate it".
I'm ready to feel it, hit me with your best shot, but don't come to me broken
I can't fix anyone anymore, my tools are rusted and breaking
and maybe this is for the best.

"This iron heart may be dented and rusted, but goddamnit, she’s a runner."

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

All you will ever be

is what you allow yourself to be.
You can be great, you can be amazing and wonderful
but you yourself can only do this.
no one will change you, unless you let them
and normally, it is never for the better.
you also can be dark and hollow,
only allowing those with a flashlight and loose roots to see the real you
and let me tell you, those people are beautiful.
what you are reflecs who you are.
if you are a bad person, bad things happen
and people see you for your face value
no matter what.
so the morale of this story...
thought train from hell...
is that you are who you are
and only you can change you, or make you better, or make you worse
thin or fat
boring or happy.
so do what you want, be who you want to be
and kick this short life in the face with a big
gleaming smile.
do it for you.

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Hello, self.

for these past few weeks, i have been promising myself to do something, then i forget and totally take back my word
that thing is working out.
but there is one thing that this body will always have, no matter how much i work out.
my amazing personality.

im gonna go rollerblade now.

Monday, March 8, 2010


This one's for you. it's a song I wrote, and when I can, I'll learn and play it for you.

"Beam Me Up Katie"
Katie's smile may not be that wide
but Katie's arms could span this countryside
Katie's hands might be kind of small
but Katie's heart could outweigh them all

Katie, Katie Sunbeam
you'll never know how much you mean
and Katie, Katie Sunbeam, you mean a lot to me.

Her eyes could outshine the brightest sunrise
and her feet will dance on clouds
She's sent from above
and the first one I Loved
oh Katie, I hope you never leave


Katie's ginuine and will make you feel whole
Katie's belief's could save a sinners soul
without Katie my heart could not go on
because she lifts me up
and warms me with the sun

Katie, Katie Sunbeam
you'll never know how much you mean
and Katie, Katie Sunbeam, you're the best person this world has ever seen
Katie, you're my sunbeam


Tuesday, March 2, 2010


And then we made love to the darkness
everything that ever was or ever will be fell into our hands
our sweaty, groping, shaking hands.
never again will I look at you the same
I'm not even sure where you are
or what you are doing
or if all that you say and do is a jest
a play
but right now, I know what you are
what you were
what you forever will be.
You are darkness, sir.
You may be new to me
but you are the nightmare that fills my sleep to the brim
you are of ashes and leather, brass and shatterd feelings
you will forever be broken,
but you will forever be beautiful.
No one will understand that you are not from this relm
no one will see what I see in your eyes
as well as understand your want for hatred.
I see it, I understand it, and I love it.
You are the feeling of falling
the moment before impact
the kiss someone never wanted
the touch people fear to feel.
You are broken and bleeding and strong
and quite simply
you are part of me.

I don't need a God

To explain my love for my life
or this earth
or the amazing friends I have.

Yes, usually when one reads the bible, it means they are looking for God
I am doing none of that, I am looking at the REASONS why people look for God, why people DO certain things, human actions and reactions.
I have had religion around me my whole life, and no thank you, I dont freaking need it. I dont need a God, a churh, a faith, a religion, a whatever you want to tell me i need. I am happy, and sure, I might not be in your heaven, but Im gonna make this life my own heaven, im going to live without fear, without resentment.
I dont need a life of shit to have an eternity of happiness.

see you in purgitory.

Monday, March 1, 2010


Thank you for explaining my whole life in one word.