Monday, November 18, 2013
and letting it weather
watching the protective barrier scrape away
then trying to paint over without any faults.
a year can seem like forever
but some days the reminders are too much
so I fight my brain and smile and smile
because nobody likes a broken record.
I breathe deep and I think of your words
I think of Chicago and home and of your hands
and I sometimes forget how easy it is to slip
the darkness and I go together well.
and maybe one day I will find my fix
but I hope it's already here
because I am working hard and I can try to do my best
because this is my mess to tidy
and I never want to leave it to anyone else
because I love it too much to fail again.
Thursday, November 7, 2013
because it took me a year to start feeling myself
understanding a heart beat again.
because I wasnt ready last time
and I fell and I fucked up
and I brought you down too
but you still offered a hand when I needed help up
and maybe I didn't deserve it
but I am going to make damn sure I do.
everything I said about wanting a future with you was true
I was just still covering myself in bandages
and wasnt ready for those leaps and bounds.
part of me wishes I would have been
but the process of this year has proven that I need more fights
more falls, disappointments, and misunderstandings
because how else would we find truth and solitude?
the rust in my lungs has finally started clearing
the aches in my bones feel real and reminding
my fingers ache to be closer to you
to feel your hair and freckles again.
I don't deserve the world just yet
but in my eyes, you do
and I want to do everything possible to make you happy and comforted
I said it at new years, and I meant it
this was a great year
not what I expected
but what I needed.
I smell an aroma of flowers and fresh pine
I feel your muscle move with the earth
and I want is to hear that heart beat.
I want to walk a winding path that breaks me out of my comfort
to feel the water wake up my skin as the wildlife moves around me
everything seems sacred
I want to prove to myself that I am a great person
forgiving, selfless, honest
and this year hasn't been easy
but as I like to remind myself:
nothing great is ever easy.
but if I practice my craft
maybe these moves wont feel so foreign
I will be able to win back that feeling again.
Friday, November 1, 2013
But what if you died tomorrow?
I'd want a bottle of whiskey, I said
Because then I wouldn't feel the consequences of tomorrow.
I wouldn't feel this ocean in my head,
and the submarine my thoughts control.
I wouldn't have to contemplate if what I have done will change my fate
If the choices I make are correct.
It's so much easier to look back than to look forward
Or to even look at yourself in the moment.
Why have I fallen? Where will I land?
Why must I be stuck in my own reality?
I really need to stop drinking whiskey.
Wednesday, October 16, 2013
These feathers will stay on
I will heed your warnings and listen to the old news
because all we can do is learn.
I understand your goals and standards
but you need to know mine as well.
dont make me fly away.
Thursday, October 3, 2013
watching all of the frames click past
I have no voice
and I kind of like it.
today I needed to talk to you
and I realized I forgot your number
I forgot your username, and your middle name
and I smiled.
time heals all wounds
and I get to watch the scabs form
and they feel so good
this time I wont pick at them.
because I need you out of my memory
I found myself thinking about us
and it was nice not feeling lonely
because I have no reason to feel hopeless with him on my skin
that feeling on the tip of my tongue.
I didn't realize I had been settling
until I asked my Mom about how she feels meeting another person since you
she had to remind me I had been dating since Michigan
but I had to really think about it
and I felt so guilty at first
but I deserved to feel something.
and maybe I have been heartless
but I have a beat in my chest now
a bounce in my step.
this autumn air feels so lovely
it's like being pushed back into my own body
and I just want to dance to every song
because I am becoming me again
and I never realized I left.
Thursday, September 12, 2013
we were pushed as kids to live how we wanted, do what made us happy
then by the time high school hit, I had to have my future figured out
a College, a degree, a detailed list
teachers were honest and brutal
and said if we didn't get a degree, we would be left on the streets
in reality, I was just left to a lower class
a title that people fight every day in order to stay confident
yeah, I make minimum wage
I live from paycheck to paycheck, and at any given time this year, I haven't had more than $700 to my name
(and those were the good days)
but I love my job.
I am excited to see what I will learn, the people I will meet
the experiences I might take on by working in the oldest building I have ever been in
with some of the quirkiest, strange (and sometimes downright freaky) people
but I will keep learning
maybe I will take classes and even think about a degree
but until I have my mind made up
-for more than 2 weeks at a time-
I will not force myself to put money I dont have
and time i could be using to enjoy my life
on a future I cant shake a stick at.
I know I wont be famous
I will probably have hard days that destroy me, knowing that my healthcare is complete shit
but then I will have the good days
because of all the things I put my money into
nothing will amount the the time I invest in smiling with my friends.
Sunday, September 8, 2013
I have figured out who I can and shouldn't trust
I have realized who is on my side
and who doesn't have my back.
I have some of the best people in my life
Doona and I are closer than ever
and I never want to imagine a life without her
she keeps me happy, honest, and excited.
I can tell when my attention has transferred from one person to another
and this might be the most difficult change
because I want to continue the path I have found
but I want to chase the other immediately.
I want to be single. I should be single
and I will stick with this as long as I can.
I need to be strong for myself
and hold my mental ground.
Saturday, June 15, 2013
remember being young, and seeing every disney romance?
every white picket fence, every smiling parent?
being a product of my parents was not an easy feat
at twelve, I watched the duo that brought me into this world fall apart
there was no man behind a curtain, no mask to keep me safe.
I dyed my hair, pierced my lip, tore and cut flesh
painted, screamed, yelled, and ran
I promised myself I would never let anyone hurt me like that again
I would get married one day, and stay with that person through thick and thin.
ten years after their divorce, I am looking at that picket fence, wanting to be on the other side
I want to water the grass and fix the chimney
plant flowers and give everything a new paint job
but I can't.
I have been through so much emotional turmoil that "only time will heal me"
and I am staring at the clock, but the second hand never moves.
I just want to open that gate, but I need someone on the other side to walk towards
and I wish I didn't need that person.
all I want with my life is to be happy, and feel loved, and to be held
and it's slowly killing me that I will have to wait for that.
I keep being told that this is a good thing, and I need to accept myself
but what the fuck am I looking for?
I don't want to be happy alone
I just want to change with you by my side
and I am slowly pushing you away.
please, don't go.
Friday, June 14, 2013
with finger smudges around the edges
and a bit of black fading into yellow.
my life is dripping like a leaky faucet
with lipstick stains and coffee rings
a tare in the bottom left corner.
my painting can't seem to dry properly
because a new layer is flinging itself on whenever I close my eyes
and tear stains puddling up.
my life is complicated
but really, it's just color
layer upon another to show you how
I keep on moving
no color can slow me down.
Sunday, June 9, 2013
what things change my mind
when the wind blows east
will it be my time?
waiting aside, I lay awake
hoping the honesty I send you is taken well
because this is the time when everything hurts
but the person you become is all that counts.
Wednesday, June 5, 2013
and kissing seemed like a feeling that would never end
walking was strong and steady
and your hand was always within my grasp
when you were gray
you said nothing would get between us
but something got in your way
and as you hand drifted further, I saw my heart grow cold
but nothing could fix us
because we were too old
when I was middleaged I found the perfect place
to sit outside your window
as you held yourself with grace
but for some reason I fell for your smile
the one that you always wore before your hair ran away
and nothing kept me stable
because I fell for you anyway
not much to do
just a dandilion in this tornado
tumbling around, unsure which way to go
your voice in my ear
electronics take over my mood
and I tumble insecurly
thinking of you
fingers against skin
teeth on concrete
nothing is at stake
with water below my feet
and as I spin
I feel steady in my stance
because nothing will change my heartbeat
no one will hold my hand.
Monday, May 27, 2013
that tears your disguise of strength off of your bones
and makes you realize that you are completely vulnerable.
"It's just a song, it cant hurt you."
the memories flood back, and I am on that terrible bed
laying so close to you I forget how uncomfortable my body is
and just lose myself in your laugh
it was those pink pants, they started my laughter
and you loved every minute of it.
driving down 405 brings back those memories like a rush
your song came on the radio, and I snapped
I realized I don't think I will ever be completely over you
and that might just not be a bad thing
it will just be a strange, painful ride.
"at least you tried, you're stronger than I am"
"at least you realized it wouldn't work, you're stronger than I am"
"at least you wont have to wonder if you made a mistake"
but what if I did? what if moving made me weaker, and uglier, an softer?
what if I stayed? what if I didn't move, or didnt move back?
all the questions fill my lungs as I take a deep breath in
I breathe out, and watch them leave
if only for a moment
I can feel everything
and I miss that feeling
One day, I will be that person I am striving for now.
one day, I will be able to not ask advice as a life saving tool.
one day, I will be great.
and nothing great
is ever easy.
Friday, May 10, 2013
I thought that for sure, I had things under control
Maybe saving fortune cookie sheets does harm after all.
I see your picture and I realize I am not over you
all this time, and still, I think maybe that fortune was about you.
so I loose my breath and feel confused
and shake and worry and scratch and pick
this isn't what you meant. this isn't what I need.
but it's what i want.
Wednesday, May 8, 2013
And i don't mean that in the "I'm a strong woman, i stick to my morals" sense.
I know what it takes to bore me
To get me excited
And what i really don't like.
I really don't like placeholders.
I feel like lately, that is what i have filled my life with. Placeholders.
It's like a placebo for the happiness i one day hope to fill and feel and breathe
But for now, I'm a waste of space
So i fill it with uncertainty, wine, time with friends, and cat pictures
Because if i don't, i think this darkness will eat me alive.
I can't win this battle with the person i am today. I'm a depressed loser that had troubles listening to herself speak
Just find me before i drown.
Sunday, May 5, 2013
why little things that happened along the way never made full sense?
"you cant have your cake and eat it too"
i hate that statement.
knowing full well what I want
what will make me happy down the road
and realizing the path I take hurts people makes me want to take a step back
but if I do i will never get to where I want.
It sucks, looking at people that are working hard on a career or life goal
then looking in the mirror and realizing my only life goal is getting a ring on my finger
seems a bit selfish, doesn't it?
I don't know. nothing else seems like it will keep me happy the way a serious relationship does.
I love being someones girlfriend. I love having dinner ready when he gets home, sharing showers, and being alone together. I just dont think many other things will measure up to that emotional bond
and I am terrified I will never find "him" again
Tuesday, April 30, 2013
walk through fields full of insects and daisies
and just stare at the mountains that surround me.
some days I just need to feel you next to me
and though i cringe listening to myself talk
I cant help watching your every move.
some nights I stop my train of thoughts in their tracks
and other nights i just them derail
and my imagination either surprises or scares me.
more often then not
I just want any other life but mine
I want to be prettier so i care less about my looks
I want to be more dull so I can cover myself in tattoos, piercings, and do weird things with my hair.
I have to fight myself on a daily basis about what i want
what i think is okay
and what i shouldn't think about.
I keep looking into therapy, but I just cant get myself to make that phone call
because I am terrified of what I will find out about myself
because It's easier to think you're strong
then finding out you're the weakest person in existence.
Monday, April 22, 2013
you walked into this life and stole my thoughts
I'm stuck in a world of confusion and closed doors
wondering when I will be able to open up
and try again
some days I feel like I am moving in slow motion
but those days can make me smile
because other days I feel like I haven't moved at all.
some days I feel like i am still two thousand miles east
and your actions stick in my mind
the things you said
and the actions you never took
they fucked me up more than i will ever understand.
I tried so hard
I put my all into that relationship
and now I don't know how to get those hours back
the compromises i made and the smiles I held
they fell into a box I will never be able to open
and its *so hard* to look forward
when I feel like I am stuck at a bottom of a lake
I can breathe and think
I just cant move
and this just makes me hate myself.
when I am alone I cant get these thoughts away from me
these feelings out of my veins
and I can never tell if i am being fair to you
just keeping the dark thoughts away might not work forever.
Sunday, April 21, 2013
they were so simple
but they meant so much to me
and as i drank my wine
we laughed as time slipped away
and made tough decisions about life
while trying to still keep smiles on our faces
but life doesn't pause, rewind or stop
it only keeps going
so don't waste what you've got.
Thursday, April 18, 2013
a beacon that sends out friendly arrays?
if we are not alone why do we find
that sitting in the dark makes the heart unkind.
if i am to not be alone
why do i feel neglected
without a hand to hold?
why be afraid of a life I cannot control
when I cannot understand how the world unfolds?
am I to be married,
and have a humble life?
or will I die alone,
neither a mother or a wife...
this track we find ourselves upon may not have one ending
but the stops among the way will help us from pretending.
do not keep a grip
upon that you cannot hold
when you wish and better yourself
remember that everything is not under your control.
Tuesday, April 16, 2013
everyone tells you "high school will be a blur"
"when you're my age, you'll understand"
"I wish I was your age again"
you shouldn't be wishing you are any other age than you are now
maybe you should have lived those years with more meaning in them.
I have been filling my life with little victories
like eating all the brownies I want and ignoring how tight my pants get
and moving past the people in my life that are hurting or confusing me.
I want to make up a list of things I plan on doing in my life
loose, simple things that I have always wanted.
I have wanted to live in a VW bus since i was in elementary school.
blame Mrs. Frizzle, and Mr. Rodgers.
I kinda do.
I dont need the big event, the giant rock, the dress that is worn once
hell, I dont even need the paperwork
but i want a promise, a sacred day, and lots of honesty.
slow your groove train, not anytime soon, by ANY means whatsoever
I want to be at least in my late twenties, which gives me 5+ years to do all the things that I want without worrying about money, a babysitter, etc.
kids are kind of gross, let's just be honest.
those are really the only things I have wanted in life
you know, besides dreading my hair, or dying it rainbow, or owning strange pets
and tattooing/piercing my entire being
but I don't need to write a list of things to do before I die
because maybe it's not about what you do
it's about how you do it
and I plan on doing it with a smile inside and out.
thanks for reading.
Sunday, April 14, 2013
Thursday, April 11, 2013
so because I let my feelings out when I felt like I was going to explode
I was just another one of those girls
those girls that you laugh at because you could never understand them
i'm sorry I wasn't everything you were looking for
I am sorry I couldn't move to another state to be ignored by you
I am sorry that when those fireworks reached the top of the needle
I couldn't contain my excitement for the coming year
for the person I was going to be
and that unhappy, unsure girl that was being left behind.
So I want to run through these streets barefoot
and blister every finger with a coarse wall that I can conquer
so one day I can look in the mirror and not worry about what I will look like when I am older
because I will feel so sexy and comfortable in my skin
my tattoos and scars
and everything I have ever put this body through
will be a lesson, a stepping stone
to the strong woman I will be some day.
I work to better myself every day
and I am a better person because of it.
and I love myself.
Wednesday, April 10, 2013
I will admit, I have some deep rooted problems that I cannot fix on my own, and should (and will) seek out a therapist. that is a sentence I know most people wont agree with, because lets face it, we're all too damn stubborn.
this will be a short description of my current short issues I want to work on, then I will follow them up with how I will rid myself of these problems. are you excited yet?
Dermatillomania, or as we common people say, skin picking.
As long as I can remember, I have picked the skin of my feet until I bled, had a thin (and very painful) layer of skin left, and even picked my toenails to the point when I saw the white part grow back, I would panic and clip, cut, or rip them away again. I am not sure I can pinpoint why I do this, or how it all started. lately, I can be very proud to tell you that after 22 years and countless tries, from parents, doctors, and self-help, I have tiny little whites on my toenails.
I have been working on fixing this nervous, compulsive habit for years. for some reason, having someone trying to help only made me want to mutilate my skin more. the last few months, I was doing so well until I slipped climbing shoes back on. my feet are dry, bumpy, and rugged, and all I want to do is cry because I have been working so hard on leaving them be.
my latest solution- once I catch myself picking, I grab my nail clippers and cut off the flap of skin I have created. next, I find lotion, massage my feet, then put them in socks, where they wont be bothered by my mean little fingernails.
Complements. Hello, my name is Jennise, and I am of the female gender.
I cannot stand how much I need reassurance in absolutely everything I do. I am pretty sure this is just something that other ladies sigh and agree on with annoyance in their voice, then move on. I see this reassurance as an issue.
I don't want to have ridiculous thoughts running through my mind. I don't want to have to ask if I look good, or if my boyfriend thinks I am sexy. maybe I am worried I don't hear it enough, I am not sure. It could be stemming from my Mom (as much as I love that crazy woman) she has always spoiled me, and I her. If we think the other's clothes are fitting particularly well that day, we will mention it. If we notice weight loss or a nice flash of cleavage, we bring it up. I have always had the strangest relationship with my Mom, and I cant get enough of it. I have noticed in past relationships I get perturbed if I notice my friendly, goofy complements from my mom are coming more often then those from the person I am dating.
this isn't something I should get upset about! I don't know how to bring it up in conversation without sounding like a needy, crazy girlfriend, so I just try to put it out of my mind, and give the person I am with my undivided attention. lately this has been a huge issue, but I am getting good at controlling what spews out of my mouth.
solution - give myself some one-on-one time. If I need to feel pretty, I set up a hot salt bath with some sweet music (lately, Justin Timberlake has been serenading me... like right now). I just try to pull out whatever I can that is floating around my brain and eliminate it with situations that have already happened that prove I am overthinking everything. it's seeming to be pretty effective, I just use the time I have at night or on long drives to make myself laugh, and realize we are all mortals, and sometimes the silliest things bother us.
Thank you for reading this blog, it means a lot to me.
I am now going to make gluten free brownies and learn the art of mediation.
Sunday, April 7, 2013
and my ankles get tangled in every lost fishing line
or plant life.
sometimes I think I cant cry any harder
or laugh any louder
or think any longer about that one little mistake I made.
I don't want to be able to say "no, I can't, I have something to take care of"
because I would rather be climbing
or hiking up a new mountain
and not have to worry about the money in my pocket
or the food I wont be able to eat.
I want to be able to smile at my naked face in the mirror every morning
and not think about that pound I could lose
or the makeup that might make my face look more attractive.
and neither should you.
you shouldn't let anything or anyone run your life
you might think you are in control
you are happy
but under all that makeup, and all those moments
you are lying to yourself.
if you are not happy in any situation
be it unhealthy, cluttered, drunken, or anything otherwise
you should change it.
not anyone else.
sometimes I fall into an insecure state of mind. all I want to hear is complements, all I want to feel is your skin across mine. I need to stop needing the attention. it is so much easier said than done. some days I realize how far I still have to go. I have so many more walls to climb, mountains to stand on top of, time to spend on friends and family.
I don't know why being alone is such a scary feeling. we're so young, we shouldn't fear anything.
every once in awhile, I stop talking and adding to conversation, because I just so bored and annoyed of hearing myself speak.
I never get sick of the sound of your voice
or the feeling of your skin
or the useless things we don't do because I would rather be in your arms.
its not a bad thing to spend all your time on someone
just don't loose your thoughts and needs
take care of yourself, no one can treat you with as much respect as yourself
and if you don't respect yourself
Friday, April 5, 2013
but you're just a click away
I want to tell you everything
but I feel I have nothing to say
my brain is full of questions
and my confusion just keeps me silent
I wish I could just ask you
but I cant remember where I was going to start
am I falling back into something I cant control
or was control ever in my favor
sometimes I wonder where my footing is
because I can no longer feel my hands.
how does this work? how are you supposed to pay attention to yourself when you are surrounded by so much noise?
i slept so terribly last night. i couldnt stop thinking about negitive things.
who am i? where do i belong? why am i still so lost? i thought growing up was about finding yourself.
Thursday, April 4, 2013
Tuesday, April 2, 2013
fill my veins with your adrenaline rush
I want your fingers to fill every space
and help me pave a new feeling or two.
I want to write what is on my mind
and not worry about what will and wont rhyme
I wish I was better at painting, though
nothing ever gets finished, just lies in a pile, awaiting fate.
I don't want to be scared of the road I am walking
the company is rather enticing
I don't have to look back over my shoulder
I just aim my gaze up
and fall into your eyes.
Sunday, March 31, 2013
now, do I delete half the people from my facebook or delete it?
in places I forgot I still had
touch my curves and kiss my limbs
remind me where I really am.
take my wrists and place my hands
onto holds I cannot see
i'll lift my legs and wait for you
hands raised, to catch me.
force me to look into the mirror
and see who I can be
coax me gently with honest words
I'll try my hardest to find the best me.
Saturday, March 30, 2013
as a child, you dreamed of being an astronaut. you thought the universe would give you all the space
and you wouldn't have to be stuck on this tiny world.
now, you realize there isn't much to this place.
not matter where you go, you are seeing the same routines, the same smiles
the same cup of coffee.
you long for the universe to pull you in, still
maybe one day you'll get lucky, win the lottery
find hidden treasure
get rich quick.
will that really support your appetite?
I doubt it will quell your hunger, I imagine it will only seduce it.
you think sitting here, typing on a computer, maybe someone will see you?
see you for who you really are
pay for you to write for them
make you feel immortal just because you think you are special
hell, maybe they'll even fall in love with you.
that isn't how life works, it shouldn't be that way
get up off your ass and do it yourself
no one is handing you a silver platter.
Friday, March 29, 2013
maybe they get trapped deep in there, or maybe they find their way somewhere else
memories can take over the brightest parts of your soul. the blue skies i saw yesterday seem like a distant land..
but vice versa, the rain I feel on my skin can bring the happiest feelings to me.
I am terrified. I havent been able to let everything out lately. I dont know how to recover those things that fall into that pit.
like love, trust, understanding.
every day I feel like i am holding back
holding back a smile, a laugh, a few words that might change everything
because maybe i'll fall back again
maybe you'll learn about the dark things I can't change
or maybe you'll embrace them
I feel imortal
and i dont know how to handle it.
i wish i wasnt afraid.
I am not the demons that lurk in my past
but I am still scared of them
i still want to run
please catch me.
Thursday, March 28, 2013
I do not deserve the kind
cut and pruned, pulled away from where they thrive
keep them living, I'll stay alive.
don't buy me jewelry
these tokens I do not need
gold chains won't bring us closer
the size of cut gemstones do not prove loyalty.
take me outdoors
open these material eyes
let us lie upon that field of flowers
let us stare up at the gemstones of the night sky
*this is awful. I hope no one reads this.
every hand-hold brings you a little closer to me
trust your feet, relax your hands
let your breath out, expand your arms...
I recently picked up climbing again. I feel like overtaking the world
I am only at the beginning of the tunnel. I have so much further to go
with climbing, with living, with love
sometimes I turn around and see the embers I have walked through
and the creek beds that have cooled my toes
I feel the scars from thorn bushes, barb wire, and more.
I have so much more to walk through
maybe some old paths, but thankfully, there will always be something new
there is a first time for everything
but the middle counts too.
if you're at the center of the tunnel, instead of running for the light at the end
why not rest? these walls are so lonely
they have been here for so long, waiting for another companion...
slip off your shoes, love
feel the rock beneath your feet
blindly reach for those hand holds
you never know who you might meet.