Wednesday, April 10, 2013

why am i such a girl?

I have things about myself I want to fix. I know most people out there can read that sentence and agree they have things they need to work on.
I will admit, I have some deep rooted problems that I cannot fix on my own, and should (and will) seek out a therapist. that is a sentence I know most people wont agree with, because lets face it, we're all too damn stubborn.
this will be a short description of my current short issues I want to work on, then I will follow them up with how I will rid myself of these problems. are you excited yet?

  Dermatillomania, or as we common people say, skin picking.
As long as I can remember, I have picked the skin of my feet until I bled, had a thin (and very painful) layer of skin left, and even picked my toenails to the point when I saw the white part grow back, I would panic and clip, cut, or rip them away again. I am not sure I can pinpoint why I do this, or how it all started. lately, I can be very proud to tell you that after 22 years and countless tries, from parents, doctors, and self-help, I have tiny little whites on my toenails.
I have been working on fixing this nervous, compulsive habit for years. for some reason, having someone trying to help only made me want to mutilate my skin more. the last few months, I was doing so well until I slipped climbing shoes back on. my feet are dry, bumpy, and rugged, and all I want to do is cry because I have been working so hard on leaving them be.
my latest solution- once I catch myself picking, I grab my nail clippers and cut off the flap of skin I have created. next, I find lotion, massage my feet, then put them in socks, where they wont be bothered by my mean little fingernails.

  Complements. Hello, my name is Jennise, and I am of the female gender.
I cannot stand how much I need reassurance in absolutely everything I do. I am pretty sure this is just something that other ladies sigh and agree on with annoyance in their voice, then move on. I see this reassurance as an issue.
I don't want to have ridiculous thoughts running through my mind. I don't want to have to ask if I look good, or if my boyfriend thinks I am sexy. maybe I am worried I don't hear it enough, I am not sure. It could be stemming from my Mom (as much as I love that crazy woman) she has always spoiled me, and I her. If we think the other's clothes are fitting particularly well that day, we will mention it. If we notice weight loss or a nice flash of cleavage, we bring it up. I have always had the strangest relationship with my Mom, and I cant get enough of it. I have noticed in past relationships I get perturbed if I notice my friendly, goofy complements from my mom are coming more often then those from the person I am dating.
this isn't something I should get upset about! I don't know how to bring it up in conversation without sounding like a needy, crazy girlfriend, so I just try to put it out of my mind, and give the person I am with my undivided attention. lately this has been a huge issue, but I am getting good at controlling what spews out of my mouth.
solution - give myself some one-on-one time. If I need to feel pretty, I set up a hot salt bath with some sweet music (lately, Justin Timberlake has been serenading me... like right now). I just try to pull out whatever I can that is floating around my brain and eliminate it with situations that have already happened that prove I am overthinking everything. it's seeming to be pretty effective, I just use the time I have at night or on long drives to make myself laugh, and realize we are all mortals, and sometimes the silliest things bother us.

Thank you for reading this blog, it means a lot to me.
I am now going to make gluten free brownies and learn the art of mediation.

No comments:

Post a Comment