Thursday, February 25, 2010

I'm strong

when I want to be.
Don't read this, you don't want to.

I warned you.

Don't date me. I'm awful.
and this goes for everyone. This is not specific, keep in mind.
I mean, I've been broken for awhile, and no one can fix this girl, but lately its been bad. I love skin, and I've been getting into cuddle puddles a mass amount at school. I get to touch people hair and hands and arms and skin and its lovely. im not restricted and I can do whatever I so choose... but I miss dates.
I miss holding hands
and spooning
but most of all
through all of this

Monday, February 22, 2010

Just keep your head above

You've gotta swim
Swim for your life
Swim for the music
That saves you
When you're not so sure you'll survive
You gotta swim
And swim when it hurts
The whole world is watching
You haven't come this far
To fall off the earth
The currents will pull you
Away from your love
Just keep your head above

I found a tidal wave
Begging to tear down the dawn
Memories like bullets
They fired at me from a gun
A crack in the armor
I swim to brighter days
Despite the absence of sun
Choking on salt water
I'm not giving in
I swim

You gotta swim
Through nights that won't end
Swim for your families
Your lovers your sisters
And brothers and friends
Yeah you've gotta swim
Through wars without cause
Swim for the lost politicians
Who don't see their greed as a flaw

The currents will pull us
Away from our love

I found a tidal wave
Begging to tear down the dawn
Memories like bullets
They fired at me from a gun
Cracking me open now
I swim for brighter days
Despite the absence of sun
Choking on salt water
I'm not giving in
Well I'm not giving in
I swim

You gotta swim
Swim in the dark
There's no shame in drifting
Feel the tide shifting and wait for the spark
Yeah you've gotta swim
Don't let yourself sink
Just find the horizon
I promise you it's not as far as you think
The currents will drag us away from our love
Just keep your head above
Just keep your head above
Just keep your head above
Swim, swim
Just keep your head above

And maybe I'll keep my head above
but I cant swim.
I've been taught
but I forget once I see the waves
once the water swells higher than my head
I loose the memory
and all I can think of is drowning
watching my breath escape me and float towards the surface
while the deep bark blue pulls me deeper
and my life becomes a blur before my eyes.
any maybe I'll realize that this death isnt too bad
its just part of the life I had
the life I didnt live
the moments I took for granted
the people I let use and hurt me
the people I hurt and abanond.
Maybe this death will be better than my life
or this could just be change
like shedding my scales, like losing my fur
like re-growing bones and replaying the sunrises Ive seen
and watching the sun set slowly.
I'm going to swim.

Monday, February 15, 2010

Your House...

Today was a day just like any other
every day is just that, a day.
It's a new begining, a day to break an old habbit, or start a new one.
Today I went for a bike ride.
Today, I burned the hell out of my thighs, and was feeling alive
then my ipod found a song that i've never heard before.
At first it sounded sweet, but it was definitly melancholy.
I couldnt get myself to change it as Alanis Morissettes' voice poured through the wires
entered my ears
and told my brian a story that fed me pain.
"would you forgive me, love..."
She cried out to me, she wanted to feel a little less alone
if just for a minute.
To have back the past that seemed so much easier than the future...
I listend intently, waiting for the happy ending, waiting for the man to walk in and join her, but it didnt happen
I knew it wouldn't, but I hoped anyway.
Its like when you watch a movie and you know how its going to end
but you close your eyes and hope he'll walk back into the room
or the water will stop rising, and your favorite character will be saved...
it doesnt happen, and maybe, if I convince myself
I can finally believe this is all layed out perfectly
no matter what I do this was supposed to happen
if I save your life now, you're still going to drown soon...
its a bit easier to believe and cope that way.
I'm supposed to be alone.
No one is able to be here for me because I'm supposed to cry
"salt in your bed"...
this is what I wanted anyways, right?...
... right...

Saturday, February 13, 2010


my day was just crazy.
I woke up to a phone call i did not want, leading to a conversation that i now hate myself for, but i cant apoligize, not this time.
i then found out the person that did my tattoo moved up to everette, therefore i have to now go and pay to get it touched up somewhere else. that wasnt too bad though.
then i planned a day out for my bestie, it was all romantic and girly, then i found out it was all for naught because her family made her stay home. whatever, saw her later.
then everybody, and i mean everybody, happend to be busy. i watched the rest of firefly all by my lonesome, and when i wanted to watch serenity, no one cared att alllll.
well, now that i was just a bitch full of rant, here's the real delema.
i really dont see how i can keep you in my life like this. its just like we're an old couple that only fight and hate eachother. and guess what, tomorrow is valentines day. oh boy, oh joy, of fuck it. i dont know what my 'boundaries' are, but seriously, right now i want me some guy time, and im not gonna lose sight of what i want or screw all of washington, hell, i dont wanna screw anybody, but i want some feeling and maybe a movie. so hate me, but i hope you would do the same if the chance aroused.
i hate the fact that this is how i have to communicate with you, if you even read this.
well world, have a good night, and valentines day. im gonna go play neopets then sleep. peace the fuck out!

Thursday, February 11, 2010

words are a silly thing

I want to write my pregnant mind out
but my barren stomach is howling for me
to find a snack to pass the time
or make this lackluster moment
a bit more intoxicated
but no matter what i consume or breathe
this moment will just be as it seem
a space in time that continues, belated
a vomit of thoughts, worries and a breeze
of life as i know it, with not much to lose
the accumulation of hitting snooze
day after day til this wood is whittled down
with specs of stars thrown upon my cieling
this rhyme couldn't be without meaning.

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

this is it.

all these broken pieces just feel like glass in my stomach
and I can not digest any more of my thoughts
they're spilling out and spelling out all that i cant say
even just looking at them makes me want to run away.
these hours turn into days
of me not wanting to move
of the glass house in my stomach
breaking upon my innards, slowing down my groove.
im broken and flawed
and i'd be lying if i said i was cleaning up well
because everytime i look at you
my eyes tear up, and my head hurts
my stomach ties in knots
i'd be lying if i told you
love could fix all my thoughts.

Monday, February 8, 2010

this is about me

it always has been
it always will be
things go and things seem
like a dream within a dream.

people come
and people pass
and some of their stories are meant to last
but others are just grains of sand
when the tide washes in, where will you land?

broken hearts and mis-conceptions
a map laid out with wrong directions
a compas always pointing south
when worse comes to worse
when do you open your mouth?

though words flow out
thoughts form within
of love, life, and memories of back when
but i trap myself in a box tittled "past"
and no matter how hard i try to break out
this lock and hinges were meant to last.

a dream may be a dream
or maybe its a life unknown
a grain of sand may seem minute
but that spec holds together a stubborn land
and what walks upon it is a creature titled man.

havent written in awhile. this is gross and messy. whatever, its here. time for food and a work out.

Saturday, February 6, 2010


im broken, im greasy, im yours. am i what you want, or need? why am i typing at almost one AM when i have to wake up at 5?
you. im ruin, but you stay here. im a pile of rubble, but you carve me into stone. the brook that babbles, and you listen to me, thus slowly i form a stream.
i am weak, and yes, its because i allow myself to be. admiting is the first step, but fuck the second, i make my own rules.
yes, i ruin your good days, i have bad thoughts and i write about them, dont you? just because i came into your life 3 months ago doesnt mean its all rainbows and fairydust for you, babe, you have toils too.
im sorry for letting my feelings out on this screen, but sometimes i need to just let my fingers work it out, just because i have 3 people to talk to doesnt mean it will fix it all.
im working on me, give me time, but trust me, i do enjoy your help.