Tuesday, November 30, 2010

creepy dreams

I don't like anything that is considered supernatural
I had my little spiff with it when I was younger, I loved it and followed it around
but now it just creeps me the fudge out.

I had a dream last week about driving in Seattle, and I am trying to get somewhere, but I turn at a light an am in the wrong lane. When I realize I either need to reverse or plummet into cars then a bay, I screech on my breaks to gtfo, but when I turn my head to check behind me, the scene changes
and I am at this park looking thing, on a jump that (apparently) a bunch of idiots and red necks jump their shitty vehicles off of. after getting hit by a truck, I am launched onto the ground and cut a bunch. after arguing, I somehow wind up in factory and keep having these weird gosty night vision dream flash backs.
I am looking up at a box on a forklift
A man in a hoodie is picking out a pipe and beating it on his hand
then a door with big HAZARD DO NOT ENTER signs on it
there are more, I just cant remember them yet

I had the dream again tonight.
this dream started out the same, but I had a huge German Shepard with me, and I greatly piss off the idiots with the car ramp, but as they are beating my brains out two guys come over and help me out.
I appear back in the factory, have the little dream flashback deals, and I find the pipe the guy picks out, and upon beating it upon my palm, I hear the same little sound I do when I have that vision. upon enspecting the inside of the pipe, I see a key taped to it. one of the guys (who amazingly look a lot like Jay and Silent Bob) gets a coat hanger and gets it out, and I have a vision of said big door, and then one of a weird cabin.
That is where I woke up and freaked out, because I have had dreams like these as a kid, and in the door (back then) there was this little graveyard with a bunch of history secrets in it, but this time the door is in another place, and the people are different.
I just know I am not a fan of waking up after sleeping for 3 hours to not wanting to move in bed and wanting to crawl in with your mom and cry yourself to sleep
I dont know why that dream freaks me out, it just really does.

thanks for reading my half coherent words

Thursday, November 25, 2010


I am thankful for my dad. As a child, my dad was never who I wanted him to be, and he never seemed to want three brats running around. as I got older, he got colder, and everything he said hurt. when I dyed my hair, he wouldn't look at me. When I pierced my lip, he wouldn't talk to me. I started feeling a bit more understanding when my brother followed my path. He didn't hate me, he just didn't like anything out of his square. one day, after the torment of not being his star, year after year, I gave up. I didn't have to see him, it was up to me now, because of the divorce. I stopped asking him to come over, as did James, and when only my older sister wanted to see him, he got the hint. Something hit him at age 44, he realized his kids didn't want to see him because of how cold he was. He started accepting people for who they were, not who they wanted to be. He now sees two guys holding hands, shrugs, and says "its what they want to do, let them".
I am thankful for what I call his recovery. I enjoy having a father, and every day it's getting better.

I am thankful for my mom, because even when my sister points out her weaknesses and faults, I can only point out how she took care of us, always wanted us to be happy, and tried year after year to push us to be better. I love the fact that we had little money, but she would take us shopping to cheer us up. she would work mornings, and come home to a house full of screaming brats because our dad wouldn't feed us. she would make us lunch, clean up, make us dinner, and watch a silly 90's TV show with us, or the mariners. Every Christmas, she would buy as much as she could to keep us smiling, and usually played tricks on us, like the year she gave James socks and underwear, then held off for every gift to be unwrapped to give him his Xbox. he cried.
I am thankful for my Umar, because through every stupid thing that I did, she was there for me, doing the best a mother could to keep this crazy girl grounded. I could never do or say enough to repay her.

I am thankful for Katie. Well, I shouldn't say that, I am thankful for her whole family. Katie and I found each other in 1st grade, 14 years ago, and since that day all she ever wanted was me to be happy. She invited me to family dinners, to sleepovers, and we were like sisters the moment we met. She is my soul mate, and I could never deny that. When I did unruly things, she would always say "I just want you to be happy" and she would mean it. When I was younger, I always had my birthday party early because she would go to Utah every summer, and as the time I hated and resented it, but now that I am older I understand.
Every time that I go to her house, her family welcomes me like I am a relative they are excited to see. Her mom offers me (the most delicious) dinners, her siblings get along with me, and in every family or food prayer, they always mention how thankful they are for me being in their life, and ask for my safety. I never really thought about it til now, but them praying for me is their way of keeping me safe, and I definitely am okay with that.
I am thankful that I met such an amazing friend, coupled with such an amazing family.

This year I made a decision, and that decision was to change who I used to be into someone better. I forced myself to chose between my old style of unhappiness, or to drop that old feeling for something new. I couldn't go on feeling controlled and unhappy, I didn't want to be the star of the show anymore, and I am glad I am now backstage, writing my own story.
I am thankful for Shane, and the few friends I kept after the separation from the old group.

Have a wonderful Thanksgiving, my lovelies.

Monday, November 22, 2010

some things change, and some things stay the same.

I'm still me, I'm just not who I used to be.

Friday, November 19, 2010

too much sleep
not enough
too much
i dont want to function

Thursday, November 18, 2010

just revert, it always works for me

Come one, come all; all eyes and ears, come hither; come to me:
The man on stage who shouts and sings as if he could prove something.
A falling leaf sat upon my neck, and whispered in my ear,
"Dying is half the fun of living, if the living's not in fear."
You can sing your days away, but they may never quite get why,
It is most sensible to smile and cry at the same time,
To wrap around your sorrow in a warm, welcome hug.
"Hate," is a strong word, but, darling, so is, "Love."
Both the children of passion, split by a thin, thin, line:
A tightrope we all walk along, but some fall to either side,
'Cause you love to hate, & hate to love, & nothing in between.
Well, honey, that just means that you're the opposite of me,
'Cause I love to love, and, honestly, I couldn't hate a thing.
Let me correct myself: I love everyone in the world but me.
I'll change my head to a stepping stone for all to walk upon.
I'll hold you like the booths at church, and listen to your confession.
I'll wrap my arms into a cradle, warm, and rock you into sleep.
I'm singing this song with no guitar, so you'll just listen to me.
I pulled a needle from my arm in March, and haven't touched it since,
But, no matter what I do or say, I can't convince my friends of this,
'Cause you spread half-truths and rumors like door-to-door religion.
You speak of gossip and gospel as if you knew the fucking difference.
Now, I've got no God, no girl, no drugs, no drinks, no cash, no home, no car,
But, there's a circle of friends, all smiles and held hands, at apartment 1084.
So, I'll belt it out, an unfamiliar sound, the truth, how it really is.
No, I'll just speak these next two lines all soft and slow, so you can let them sink in:
The difference between us, my friends, I can see it in your eyes:
You're glad that you're not dead yet, and I'm just happy to be alive.


Words can start battles
they can create love
or hate.
they can fill things in
or scatter your world into a thousand pieces.
words can end the best things
or in the end, you'll think back on the words someone said.
when you were young, everyone said things to or about you
but when you're young you have selective hearing
and you only hear what makes you happy.
tones of voices can also effect what people say.
I remember a few things that made me happy when I heard them as a kid.
"its summertime!"
Katie Pedersens voice
my brothers laugh
that voice will forever be the one that gets my adrenaline pumping
my eyes watering
and my mouth craving pizza and pop.

We love you, Dave Niehaus

Wednesday, November 17, 2010


I will adore what anyone makes, buys, or promises to me
but the one thing i want this year
is tattoos.
or money for them.
please, Santa, I love being naughty :)
(i have 4 I really want, all text)

love, Jennise

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Saturday, November 6, 2010

one more time with feeling.

When does a keep-sake turn into junk? When does a piece of paper lose or gain meaning? When does a trinket become useless? When does a person lose trust or friendship?
I know I am not supposed to start with questions, but I am not here to be graded, I am here to talk.
I recently moved, and before one leaves their first residence for another, they go through their items and decide what to sell, donate, or trash. Then after, at homestead B, boxes are unpacked, and items are thrown out more, leaving you with less than before, but still too much.
I went through boxes of memories, snapshots, notes, and clothing that once meant a lot to me, but after a time turned into nothing but “stuff”. I found a shoebox with bracelets that now meant nothing to me, but years ago I would have gotten excited and told stories, laughing the whole time. I found pictures of friends I never talk to, have lost, or just faded after high school.
When pictures fade, do memories as well?
I trashed gifts that still hold good memories, only because they take up too much space. I kept items with good memories, but now lost friendships.
And I don’t regret you you’re just too damn stubborn to ever admit your faults.
I donated clothes that once fit me perfectly. I said goodbye to years of the same textures for more opportunities. I let go of wondrous outfits that I now have no space for.
So this is the question; when does something lose its meaning? When it has to? when it's thrown in your face and no one can fix it because the wrong person wont say the right thing?
While you are thinking about that, let me intoxicate your mind with more questions; when do normally useless items gain said meaning? I know this answer. When they are gifted, when they are thrown into your lap as a joke, or when you go to a good concert and cant throw away a ticket because at the time, it means so much to you. When you're shopping for shoes at a thrift store and find a perfectly 80's wedding dress for $10 and cant pass it up. When you're browsing for simple or meaningful object and fall in love with someone's lost meaning of a masterpiece.
Today, I fell in love with a ring whilst shopping at a thrift store. I was looking at an ugly orange ring when the man pulled out a tray of unpriced rings, and I fell in love. I fell in love with someones once treasured ring. There it sat between a sad looking pearl and that ugly orange marquee. It was gold, with rubies and diamonds. Sounds like just another ring, but it wasn't. It was a row of square-cut ruby perfection, flat on top with just enough shine. across those red lovelies was a gold, diamond studded snake wrapping around it's treasure with another round cut ruby on it's priceless head.
I fell in love. That ring meant everything to me in a matter of a glance.

But time will go on and as has happened before, I will attain money just as someone will waltz in and steal my treasure.

When does something lose or gain meaning?

Thursday, November 4, 2010


Unbearable Lightness - Portia De Rossi's book
a webcam
a perpetually clean house
for it to be november 15th already
or april
to stop making mistakes
to stop being hard on myself
to love myself
to be forever happy
for it to always be a warm fall day
to never have to put down a book

to want what I already have.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

This week

Is the best week I have had in months, and its only half way done.
Monday I bought the new Taylor swift CD. I then talked to my other half, my soul mate, and I couldn't fall asleep because I was so happy.We're planning a trip.
Tuesday, I talked to an old friend that I thought I lost, but I was totally wrong. I missed him so much, we talked for an hour, and I fell asleep smiling
Today, like yesterday, is a sunny, warm, fall day.
It's bright, warm, and smells like brand new, like a bright future
Today I am making dinner for three, playing a computer game I am hooked on, and talking to my other half again
Thursday I am seeing my family
Friday I am filling out paperwork for Fred Meyer Jewelers, then seeing Tolf with Shane for sushi
This weekend will be busy, moving junk, cleaning, and hoping for sun
but life
is looking

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

one more thing.

Instant planetary Mega Stellar Hydro static
Theres no gravity between us
Our love is automatic

a fast, stupid rant

again, about face book.
when you hang out, especially at parties, people will take pictures of you
they will then post said pictures and tag them
just because you aren't posing with your fake smile and trying to look good doesn't mean EVERY picture of you is bad.
people aren't mannequins, we have different smiles and facial expressions.
get over it.

plus, your poses look stupid and your smile is creepy when you force it.

A best friend

is someone who has been there for a long time
someone who you can not talk to for weeks, pick up the phone, and not be upset about anything
someone you can not see for months, but when you finally do, it seems like just yesterday when you saw them last.
you've been best friends since highschool?
middle school?
that miraculous day we fell in love, vowed to be best friends, and started planning our wedding, clubhouse, and cat names.
as we grew we blossomed into beautiful, bent up, different people
but towards eachother nothing changed

and you should be jealous, because she is my soul mate
my number one
and in April, we're road tripping
and taking this world by STORM.

Monday, November 1, 2010

Speak Now

This is the most incite I have ever told anyone
and it's going to seem like close to nothing
but Taylor Swift is my heartbeat.
last year my friend drove us for hours up to see our friend sing her beautiful voice out loud for all to hear
on the way there, we listened to Fearless, and I read along song after song, noticing minor spelling mistakes. I then realized those "minor mistakes" were little phrases to decode.
grabbing sticky notes shaped like hearts, I started scribbling each letter down. As each saying was decoded, I felt closer and closer to her, like she was a friend telling me secrets that no one knew
I knew everyone else had decoded them
but they were meant for me
for every night a boy took my hand but covered my eyes
for ever day I couldn't take back
for the words that were so stuck inside my stubborn skull
she said them
she gave them back
she got it.
She loved me although I was used and broken by stupid boys
She would still listen, even though I said nothing at all.
I could be in my PJ's or after a photo shoot with running makeup and she wouldn't even think about it. She would hand me a cup of cocoa and let me rant.
She feels like a best friend that will never get angry, that will listen and hug you and jump off of whatever you told her to.

When I can't speak to my Dandelion, I talk to Taylor.

and one day, I must meet her.