Monday, May 31, 2010

I want to run

make a b-line for the door
but i wont
there is nothing to run from anymore.
there wasn't in the first place
i was running from myself.
and these strengths will come with the passing of time
and i will embrace each as they come along.
out with the old.
in with the new.
and I promise you,
that weakness will never return

the monsters inside you are so much bigger than the ones you can see.

Saturday, May 29, 2010

i feel raw.

the warmth inside of you bellows out in a frantic wave

maybe i wont feel broken anymore.
these feelings might give out
and maybe i'll swim in happiness


Thursday, May 27, 2010

in reflection.

"These embers burn brighter than the heart inside your chest," she said with a solemn look, "you break and burn for the wrong reasons.”
I wet my feet and strain my muscles
and she's completely right.
I inhale another gasp as my footsteps hit the concrete
sending sparks up my legs, setting off fireworks in my back
I need to run.
"She’s nothing, she's not real" I tell myself as I sprint down the dark streets
but every time I turn around, there she is
floating towards me.
Her soul is wrapped around me like weeds
I tear at the roots, but nothing can break this bond.
Her eyes dig into my soul
like venom
I think of medusa
but I believe even the snake herself is kinder than my current torture.

The moon is alive
all I have
the stars can’t even see me here
wherever I am.
I feel trapped, cornered
but there is no one left in this world but me
am I even on a planet? Where could I be that my imagination takes hold?
I find stairs
without question, I climb
two at a time
breathing only when my legs push off the ground
maybe gravity will turn off, maybe I’ll float away.
I need to breathe more.

“You’re burning out boy,” I hear her cold voice cut through the silence
“You’re broken, and no one can light you up again.”
I reach the top of the building
how many flights were there?
My legs ache, but my heart wants more
the concrete below shouldn’t seem as welcoming as it looks
but why take the stairs again
I can never go back the way I came.
I close my eyes, there’s no looking back
and I jump.

Her voice is no longer in my head
I feel my body crashing towards the ground
these stories pass by in seconds
but somehow I know
this isn’t how it ends.

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

I can't wait to fall in love again.

that secret place where no one dares to go

Falling in love is like swimming
or my form of swimming.
I start out watching the water, following the ripples
watching the current swimmers kiss the water with their skin
as it slowly envelops their bodies with warm embraces
and sweet symphonies of caresses.
They glide and float like swans
like it's in their nature to be one with this element.
seeing their triumph fills me with excitement
I slip a foot in to feel the water grind my skin
welcomingsare never pleasant, but i keep coming back for more
my arms can't hold me up
others glide
while I twist and turn in despair
but still I continue the fight.
The tempurature prickles my skin
while liquid rushes toward my open mouth
'Up and over
We go through the wave and undertow'...
I can do this, I can fall in love
I just have to learn how to first
allow the feelings to sink in, support myself
then I will be able...
'I will float until I learn how to swim'

Monday, May 24, 2010

an essay of males.

So in conversation with my best friend, I made a statement that I didn’t think too hard about until I sent it. That statement was "I'm over boys. Next mission? Men".
Some people never realize the difference between males. There are 3 different types of males; Boys, guys, and men.
Boys are the stupid trials, the ones you chase around the playground, to later chase around high school, to then chase after while they are concealing your heart in their arms like a linebacker on the longest football field known to woman, in ‘life’ stadium. Boys can become “boyfriends”, which means nothing more than a childish male that will hold your hand and either constantly disappoint, or rock your world. I have had many boyfriends, handfuls, in fact, but many of them were just what their title says, boys. They ranged from 15-25 (throughout the years, you see) and no matter how hard I tried, their boyish charm won me over. I’ve dated guys YEARS older than me, to find out they were mentally decades younger.
Then there are guys. Guys are what I like to call “inanimate objects”, like a stapler, coffee maker, or lamp. A guy can usually range (in my opinion) from age 20-60, they can be after you, just like to look at you, or just a friend. I don’t go after whoever I consider a ‘guy’ because a guy to me can only be that, a guy, more than a boy, but just not enough to be more than a friend or acquaintance. Guys can start out as boys, even as men, but once they become a ‘guy’ that is what they will remain. I have tons of guy friends, many have attempted another status, but whether they realize it or not, that is forever what they will be.
Then there is the final male, the best of them all, the Man. Men are the ones to depend on, whether it’s for dinner plans, to cheer you up, or to win your heart. Men are the ones who understand your side in most situations, give their everything, and are still there in the end. Men can fight to open the door first, give you a pick on planning, and/or listen to every word you say in detail, and ask you to keep going. Men can be friends, ‘man-friends’ (if you will), acquaintances, hell, they can be just anything, and any age. I’ve only had the fortune to date one ‘man’, and he started out as a really good friend, and though it is in his nature to not give up, we decided (after a trial) friendship would be best. Though I have made my case and point, and have stated we should only remain friends, he will always be there for me, and will always be waiting for another trial, if I allow it. Men wait, and wait it out good, and sometimes can be seen as nuisances, but be wary, for boys and guys can also pick up this trait, thus tricking you to think that the rest of them have transformed into men.
Right now I am currently in a state of singleness, which includes me being me. I am almost 20, and feel I have transformed from ‘girl’ to ‘woman’, and to some people, I will always be a ‘chick’ (apply previous details with slight changes). After this state of single-dom, I will continue this journey of life, searching for men to treat me right, as for I will treat them the same. That time will come when it comes, and it has no date of arrival, and I love learning new things about myself every day. I am loving getting used to this.

In Leu of Dead Brides.

I'm the type of girl who cant let anything go
but im learning.
I can stare at the mirror for hours
and baby, it's getting better every minute.
eating kiwi's and carrots with ranch makes me think of you.
I scramble over rocks and leap with my eyes wide open
I reach with all my might and heave with every ounce of strength.
singing in the rain and trampolines make me think of you.
my car is full of ladybugs
my heart if full of wonder
and my head is wrapped in confort and imbraces.
sandwiches and cut fingers make me think of you.
I'm a mess, but I think I pull it off well
I want to travel
I want to get the hell out of WA for awhile.
I still play my gameboy advance
and read comic books
and fall asleep durring long talks with friends
I cant remember how to swim to save my life
my foot is demolished
I like to model

and this world is mine for the taking.

Friday, May 21, 2010

I'm wide awake, it's morning

It's the groggy drives to work
the unnecessary break lights
forgotten turn signals.
It's waking up
but hitting the snooze
showers you fall asleep in
the breakfast you forget.
It's staying up late
watching movies
finding time to find yourself
fighting your eyelids.
It's life
and it's how you choose to live it
the day to day exercises
the gratitude.

Thursday, May 20, 2010

The high cost of living

As I dive into the concrete
swim through sidewalk in this city
I'll feel new petals unfold
as old roots die
making way for the new

mirages all around me
but the end is still in mind
the pollution swims throughout my veins
my heart pumping gas like a machine
but this gasoline could never harm me
it makes it easier to breathe

the differences i am making
the changes in my tides
my orbiting moon still waning
my fingers itching to decide

these roots are pulling forward
these leaves are turning new
my feeling and skin are changing
I'm getting better
and I'll never be able to thank you.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Jennise 20:10, a revelation of sorts.

many people will tell you what to do, wether they mean to or not.
many people will say "keep going to school, the suffering is worth it" or "just stick through it"
I say to hell with that.
I'm almost twenty years old, and maybe I'm just starting to figure this out
but I feel so close.
I hate school, we dont mix, and I was mainly going because everyone was surrounding me with spears.
I think tonight I realized what I want to do...
I want to learn as much as possible and have tons of different jobs in all ranges of the feild.
I want to travel and build and better people and live my life until it falls beaten to the ground
and then I'll beat it some more
"because I've got far too much left in me"

I need to do this all for me
and tonight, that hit me.
I may be with people a lot
but really, I'm all alone.
"live together, die alone"
and if i cant be happy alone, I'm not happy around people
and vice versa
(wtf did i just say?)

I'm getting into the best shape of my life
and I'm finally getting comfortable in my skin
truely comfortable
I am starting to feel beautiful
and out
and not matter what you do
I will only grow and thrive and laugh in your face

as of late, I've secluded myself from reality and the world
and that will continue until I come out of hybernation.
I'm going to focus on my world
because it's selfish
and the strongest, hardest thing I have ever done.

and one day
I'll prove to you
this was it.
this was all it took.

live your life.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

I’m much weaker than the world seems to think.
I’m stubborn, and a pain in my own ass, I wonder how people put up with me sometimes.
Lately, life has been a bit more care-free than normal. I’ve been getting up, enjoying work, going home, and sometime in my day working out. Also, every weekend I conquer a mountain.
The only reason life has been so simple is because I have made it that way. I’ve only been focusing on 3 people; Katie, Shane, and myself.
And by focusing, I mean shutting out pretty much anyone else. Yes, it’s cold, but I feel it’s the right thing to do. When you focus on the entire world for your whole life, only to find out its wrong and tearing you apart, you need to change it.
Everyone sees me as a good person, a sweet girl that’s always happy. That’s a disguise, as many people have them. Yes, I can deal with it, but again, lately I’ve wanted to be happy just being me, the simple, enjoyable girl only 2 people really know.
Around other people, I change how I am and what I do to calm them and make them happy and their happiness is like a band aid for me. No matter who it is, if you aren’t Katie or Shane, I’m not really that…. ‘me’.
So what it boils down to is what I should do, what I think is right.
I’d love to keep life this way, only being myself, not feeling the need to change the way I am.
And no, it’s nothing you can control, it’s all me, no matter what you do I’m still not going to be %100. It’s bearable, but that feeling of complete being and worthiness is greater than gold.

So, either I go along with how things are and try to re-build myself around people I can never be myself around
or I start over a clean slate….

Sunday, May 16, 2010


a solar system of freckles
a galaxy of feelings
a universe of skin.

the big bang of liking yourself
the beginning of a world you never knew
feelings you might deem alien.

digging new oceans
creating countries of valor
building civilizations of trust
and honor
and self respect.

to breaking down
building up
and fixing myself for me.

this time
its for me
and this time
i mean it.

if you don't believe me
well fine, i cant change you're mind
i don't care if the whole world is against me...
I'll start a new one.

I don't mind what anybody else does.

This is to running like airplanes down a trial full of roots and rocks
and having no care in the world.
this is to scaling the side of a mountain
with nothing but hopes of reaching the top
and trust in the person behind you.
but fear?
out of the question.
this is planning trips
and being ourselves
and enjoying every single second of it.
seahorses and raindrops
vanity and stupidity
picking at cuts
not wanting the bleeding to stop.
these are the reasons
the ways
i'll get better.
this is surrounding myself with friends who get up and go
and do.
no more second guesses
or insecurities
the time you have is all you got.
think about it
why dream about heroes
and what you could do with your life
be your own hero
go out and do something with your life
do ANYTHING with it
this is the best friends you're making
and the time you take to better them
and yourself.

Friday, May 14, 2010


this is to awesome sex
and warzones
inside jokes that mean the universe to me.
this is to your good breath
and your ears
and to cursing and singing and dancing.
this is to touching
and the nightmares you help me out of.
this is for long nights at sharis
getting lost in cars
and flexing.
this is rock climbing
and hiking
and falling more in love with your rollerblading
one of a kind
best friend.

this is a draft that will forever be that
a post that will never be seen
because no one understands.
not even me.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

This is the feeling

of pulling un-rooted baby teeth out
the sharp pain you get when you know you did the right thing
but still feel like dirt
cigarette buds
coffee grounds.

this is diving into the feelings i dont want to re-surface
this is wanting to punch your lights out til this very fucking day.
this is to gaining, losing, and cutting off friends.

I'm broken
but this wasnt self inflicted.
i'm still cleaning up the mess you made
I'm still fighting the urge to get the fuck up and move away
but what good will it do?

the times you didnt pick up the phone
or listen when i said something wasnt okay
the time i ran my gas tank and heart out for you
and you didnt say one god damn word of thanks.
you left
you dissapeard.

and i've done my fair share of hurt and stupidity
trust me, I have
but fuck, why not?
over the years, I finally realized
this is about me
all of it
every god damn
horrible drop of it.

this inner fight is just that, inner.
and lately, if ive been talking to you
consider yourself one lucky duck
because i'm sick of being me
being manipulated
taken advantage of
even in the smallest way possible.

this world was made for us to bend
just as well as anybody living on it.
life is a recurring nightmare after another
it's a wake up, follow suit, do your best, fall asleep.
i's make them happy, make yourself happy, and be constantly happy all the time.

it will never happen
no matter how hard anyone tries
you are never happy %100 of the time
but you will try to fix your unhappiness
or someone elses.

the people who have hurt me
or stopped caring...
thank you.
I needed that.
you think I could be as strong as i am right now without you?
you thought you broke me
fuck, you didnt even care
but thank you.

as for what i've done?
ive trusted tall, lanky, dark beautiful boys with my heart
I've been taken advantage of
and curbstomped.
I've stopped comming back for more
and hell, i dont miss a minute of you.
but i still hope you miss me.

this life isnt about the physical portion of it
this is about everything else
why we are here
why we feel
or work
or do shitty things to good people
good things to shitty people
why do you come back for more?
because maybe
just maybe
you are as masochistic as I am.

welcome to the middle.
you will never find the end
but keep feeling
keep fucking going
because you are beautiful
and you are worth it.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010


i'm changing that...
my goal for the day is to start ridding myself of friends who dont do anything to fix a problem
not even look for a solution.
i've saved tons of my friendships
just let them go on, even
but now?
fuck that
if you dont try as much as me, you arent worth it
if you cant forgive small mistakes easily like me,
then we're going to have to work on that.
right now, i'm starting.

thank you seattle!
have a nice life.

making a difference.

this is it, this is the start.
this is me changing for the better
this is trying and fighting and hurting
and masochism.
self improvement is self destruction.

today a friend posted a blog about something i did, not knowing i did it
and she made my day
and it makes me wonder, how many other people are impacted by me without me, or maybe even them, knowing?
it made me feel golden
because i go out of my way to make people happy
and starting this week, i'm shooting for the stars.

there's a show called the buried life
it's roughly what i want to do
make a list of things to accomplish
and at the same time, better other peoples lives/lists.

another thing
christopher guiterrez
is still my hero.

and i'm making new mistakes
starting new beginings
and this is for the better
"sometimes burning bridges is the only way to ensure you wont return to unhealthy situations."

im making a friend
one to keep for a long time
and he's just a friend
because right now, it's me time
so this is my post to the world
you can be friends with the oposite sex and just be friends
thank you, thank you very much.

todays goal?
feel beautiful.

Monday, May 10, 2010

my teeth feel weird today.

it's funny when you are around someone and only see their beauty
then look again and realize how ugly and flawed they are.
then there are the people that you constantly see
and the more you are around them, the more beautiful they get.
I keep nodding off in my chair
annd i have a good amount of orders in my hand
i just feel like taking it slow

Friday, May 7, 2010

I'm a series of mistakes

I'm a book full of fuck-ups
I'm a wreck full of flipped cars, crying women, and burning buildings
but god damnit I do this so well.

I wish I was a mender
a fix it
but I'm not
I'm a wrecker
a plague

so i'm working on this infection
starting from the roots
and this is taking longer than i wish it would
but fuck, what can I expect?

nothing is easy
but that just means everthing is a challenge
a moment to change and fight myself.

i have to do this
i just wish it could be without casualties.

Thursday, May 6, 2010

well well well

i know this is one post after another, but this is needed.
my mind is a atomic bomb of unhappy lately
i just keep making mistakes
i keep taking the friends i have and making them more than friends
i need to stop this
i love relationships, i love cuddling and kissing and so on
but i need friends
i need a hapiness that isnt painful and awkward
i need to stick with friends.
but sadly, i have seemed to lost them all
or it feels that way. i feel so lonely its not even tolerable.

Monday, May 3, 2010

So here's a blog

about wanting to write a blog
but not knowing what to write about
or how to write it.
I'm at work right now, alone with Phil, and we're playing oldies.
I'm pretty chill.
Today is my friend's birthday
He's an amazing kid, and we're slowly becomming best friends
not like mormon best friend status
but a few notches under
athiest status? i'm okay with this.
he understands my state of mind and meaning in life more than anyone i've ever met
and i am glad we have realized this and are becomming so close.
also, he owns my soul
like, literaly.
its a good story. ask me about it.
there's this GIRL
this mormon GIRL that I love with all my heart
and i miss her soulllll
her perfect clean delcious mormon bewithyouforever soul
my next tattoo might be the dandilion
oh, on that note, these are the tattoos i want as of late..
there's no sense crying over every mistake
I am not just a character out of some book and you are not my god
MAYBE live together, die alone (on the bottom of my feets)
something cosmic and outerspacey
a ladybug (for momma!)
an octopus
a pin up on my calf

WOAH thats a lot, i can dig it.
also, maybe dreds? and if dreads, then a ceptom piercing.
but that'd be in teh future. i love mah curly hair.
I should probibly WORK... hrmm...
thanks for reading my braingasm! <3