I'm done with this blog.
I'm done with the person I used to be.
I am not her anymore. I wont let her surface.
I want to be happy and see the sun through the clouds
And i am trying so hard to be that person
So one day, we can both look back and say "wow, who was that"
With a huge smile on our faces.

You don't tell anyone you're losing it
Not anymore
Because finally you realize you have gotten there
And no one wants to care.
You always feel like you're missing out
It's so much harder to enjoy
So when you're actually celebrating
It's easier to fake the joy.
Just keep your head up
But the ceiling is low, and the water is flooding in
Just smile today, it'll be okay
Tomorrow you won't exsist anymore.

Maybe one day I'll return
Happier.
What you saw that night wasn't the old me
It was the new side
The side of giving up
Letting loose all that shit you held me to.
I'm not the girl you first met
I'm more confused than I've ever been
And I understand that now.
You're not the person that I first met either
You're quieter
Stronger
And more afraid of showing a weakness.

She's a disaster with a drink in her hand
A raging mistake with tattoos of proof
And they laugh at the way she holds herself
When her blood is running clear.
Beware the alcohol
For the words you say will be forgotten
The laughter you cause will be out of spite
The affection shared - titled in vein.

You'll hate yourself to the very end
Until the bridge is looking higher each day.

Depress

Flowing from my fingertips
Words I can't control
Streaming live from my mind
I can't tell what thought I crave more.
Work all day to regret all night
And sleep and dream and pray
One day, everything will be better
The rat will win the race.
Forget everything you taught yourself
Because you're wrong, wrong, wrong
Nothing will change the steps you take
Just strangers keeping you strong.
Life is a warpath
A tank built for self destruction
Drop the bombs on the infidels
Drop your sense of self control.

Of men and robots

It's watching the clock tick in reverse
Reaching for the phone when it's already in your other hand
The feeling in your stomach that's far from full
And too heavy to hold anything else.
It's being too old to laugh at the age appropriate jokes
And too young to laugh at the drinkers
Stirring your coffee with your finger because asking for a spoon would raise your anxiety higher.
It's wanting to tell everyone
And screaming it at yourself instead
Hours of nodding and agreeing
Because you don't feel like bringing up the subject.
I'm worthless and lonely
But everyone I know would disagree
Yet that means nothing to me
Because I'll never be able to change the station in my mind.
The one that is telling me to drink more burnt coffee at midnight
Sing more distorted songs about love I'll never feel
And regret every time I didn't heed their warnings
Because I'm too damn stubborn to change

It's growing up

And it's faster than you could have imagined
They tell you to treasure the days
But you don't know what you've got
Until you find that old feeling
That reminds you it's gone.
So this verse is about you
Though I can't use words to make you understand
This is the healthiest I've felt
The happiest I can remember
And I'm trying to not be hurt by the fact you don't want any part of it.
Those things you said in the feild
Forever changed the way I look at you
You'll never trust me like I want
So what's the point in giving all I've got
When I know I can't make you budge.
I can't change the person I've always been
But I can try little things to make her better
Spreading my love is not spreading my legs
Though you'll never give me a second try
I probably don't deserve it anyway

I have no compass

But I'm working on things I never thought I needed
I didn't realize the way I put myself down in everyday conversation
So thanks for opening my eyes.
Two days in a hotel bed
These four walls could be worse
The wine could be better.
We're both lost and broken
But this comfort is unbelievable
And I would give anything to live in your eyes.
I should know by now we're not a perfect match
But my body has never felt so loved
My mind can finally let him go.