Tuesday, April 30, 2013

so dance alone to the beat of your heart

some days I want to fall down and just feel dew on every inch of my skin
walk through fields full of insects and daisies
and just stare at the mountains that surround me.
some days I just need to feel you next to me
and though i cringe listening to myself talk
I cant help watching your every move.
some nights I stop my train of thoughts in their tracks
and other nights i just them derail
and my imagination either surprises or scares me.
more often then not
I just want any other life but mine
I want to be prettier so i care less about my looks
I want to be more dull so I can cover myself in tattoos, piercings, and do weird things with my hair.
I have to fight myself on a daily basis about what i want
what i think is okay
and what i shouldn't think about.
I keep looking into therapy, but I just cant get myself to make that phone call
because I am terrified of what I will find out about myself
because It's easier to think you're strong
then finding out you're the weakest person in existence.

Monday, April 22, 2013

I hate reading my writing.

stand up and tell me how
you walked into this life and stole my thoughts
I'm stuck in a world of confusion and closed doors
wondering when I will be able to open up
and try again
some days I feel like I am moving in slow motion
but those days can make me smile
because other days I feel like I haven't moved at all.
some days I feel like i am still two thousand miles east
and your actions stick in my mind
the things you said
and the actions you never took
they fucked me up more than i will ever understand.
I tried so hard
I put my all into that relationship
and now I don't know how to get those hours back
the compromises i made and the smiles I held
they fell into a box I will never be able to open
and its *so hard* to look forward
when I feel like I am stuck at a bottom of a lake
I can breathe and think
I just cant move
and this just makes me hate myself.

when I am alone I cant get these thoughts away from me
these feelings out of my veins
and I can never tell if i am being fair to you
or myself
just keeping the dark thoughts away might not work forever.

Sunday, April 21, 2013

time spent laughing and falling more in love with your friends is never wasted

and last night we did things i couldn't believe
they were so simple
but they meant so much to me
and as i drank my wine
we laughed as time slipped away
and made tough decisions about life
while trying to still keep smiles on our faces
but life doesn't pause, rewind or stop
it only keeps going
so don't waste what you've got.

Thursday, April 18, 2013

i hate rhyming.

do you have a light that helps you along the way,
a beacon that sends out friendly arrays?
if we are not alone why do we find
that sitting in the dark makes the heart unkind.
if i am to not be alone
why do i feel neglected
without a hand to hold?
why be afraid of a life I cannot control
when I cannot understand how the world unfolds?
am I to be married,
and have a humble life?
or will I die alone,
neither a mother or a wife...
this track we find ourselves upon may not have one ending
but the stops among the way will help us from pretending.

do not keep a grip
upon that you cannot hold
when you wish and better yourself
remember that everything is not under your control.

Tuesday, April 16, 2013

adultesence

I have started to realize life goes by pretty fast.
everyone tells you "high school will be a blur"
"when you're my age, you'll understand"
"I wish I was your age again"
you shouldn't be wishing you are any other age than you are now
maybe you should have lived those years with more meaning in them.
I have been filling my life with little victories
like eating all the brownies I want and ignoring how tight my pants get
and moving past the people in my life that are hurting or confusing me.
I want to make up a list of things I plan on doing in my life
loose, simple things that I have always wanted.
enjoy.

*vanagan*
I have wanted to live in a VW bus since i was in elementary school.
blame Mrs. Frizzle, and Mr. Rodgers.
I kinda do.

*marry me*
I dont need the big event, the giant rock, the dress that is worn once
hell, I dont even need the paperwork
but i want a promise, a sacred day, and lots of honesty.

*kids*
slow your groove train, not anytime soon, by ANY means whatsoever
I want to be at least in my late twenties, which gives me 5+ years to do all the things that I want without worrying about money, a babysitter, etc.
kids are kind of gross, let's just be honest.

those are really the only things I have wanted in life
you know, besides dreading my hair, or dying it rainbow, or owning strange pets
and tattooing/piercing my entire being
but I don't need to write a list of things to do before I die
because maybe it's not about what you do
it's about how you do it
and I plan on doing it with a smile inside and out.


thanks for reading.

Sunday, April 14, 2013

i have what feels like a headcold.

so F writing. here is a song.

Thursday, April 11, 2013

he said "i never knew you were a 'woo girl'"

and I almost lost my mind
so because I let my feelings out when I felt like I was going to explode
I was just another one of those girls
those girls that you laugh at because you could never understand them
i'm sorry I wasn't everything you were looking for
I am sorry I couldn't move to another state to be ignored by you
I am sorry that when those fireworks reached the top of the needle
I couldn't contain my excitement for the coming year
for the person I was going to be
and that unhappy, unsure girl that was being left behind.

So I want to run through these streets barefoot
and blister every finger with a coarse wall that I can conquer
so one day I can look in the mirror and not worry about what I will look like when I am older
because I will feel so sexy and comfortable in my skin
my piercings
my tattoos and scars
and everything I have ever put this body through
will be a lesson, a stepping stone
to the strong woman I will be some day.

I work to better myself every day
and I am a better person because of it.
and I love myself.

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

why am i such a girl?

I have things about myself I want to fix. I know most people out there can read that sentence and agree they have things they need to work on.
I will admit, I have some deep rooted problems that I cannot fix on my own, and should (and will) seek out a therapist. that is a sentence I know most people wont agree with, because lets face it, we're all too damn stubborn.
this will be a short description of my current short issues I want to work on, then I will follow them up with how I will rid myself of these problems. are you excited yet?

  Dermatillomania, or as we common people say, skin picking.
As long as I can remember, I have picked the skin of my feet until I bled, had a thin (and very painful) layer of skin left, and even picked my toenails to the point when I saw the white part grow back, I would panic and clip, cut, or rip them away again. I am not sure I can pinpoint why I do this, or how it all started. lately, I can be very proud to tell you that after 22 years and countless tries, from parents, doctors, and self-help, I have tiny little whites on my toenails.
I have been working on fixing this nervous, compulsive habit for years. for some reason, having someone trying to help only made me want to mutilate my skin more. the last few months, I was doing so well until I slipped climbing shoes back on. my feet are dry, bumpy, and rugged, and all I want to do is cry because I have been working so hard on leaving them be.
my latest solution- once I catch myself picking, I grab my nail clippers and cut off the flap of skin I have created. next, I find lotion, massage my feet, then put them in socks, where they wont be bothered by my mean little fingernails.

  Complements. Hello, my name is Jennise, and I am of the female gender.
I cannot stand how much I need reassurance in absolutely everything I do. I am pretty sure this is just something that other ladies sigh and agree on with annoyance in their voice, then move on. I see this reassurance as an issue.
I don't want to have ridiculous thoughts running through my mind. I don't want to have to ask if I look good, or if my boyfriend thinks I am sexy. maybe I am worried I don't hear it enough, I am not sure. It could be stemming from my Mom (as much as I love that crazy woman) she has always spoiled me, and I her. If we think the other's clothes are fitting particularly well that day, we will mention it. If we notice weight loss or a nice flash of cleavage, we bring it up. I have always had the strangest relationship with my Mom, and I cant get enough of it. I have noticed in past relationships I get perturbed if I notice my friendly, goofy complements from my mom are coming more often then those from the person I am dating.
this isn't something I should get upset about! I don't know how to bring it up in conversation without sounding like a needy, crazy girlfriend, so I just try to put it out of my mind, and give the person I am with my undivided attention. lately this has been a huge issue, but I am getting good at controlling what spews out of my mouth.
solution - give myself some one-on-one time. If I need to feel pretty, I set up a hot salt bath with some sweet music (lately, Justin Timberlake has been serenading me... like right now). I just try to pull out whatever I can that is floating around my brain and eliminate it with situations that have already happened that prove I am overthinking everything. it's seeming to be pretty effective, I just use the time I have at night or on long drives to make myself laugh, and realize we are all mortals, and sometimes the silliest things bother us.

Thank you for reading this blog, it means a lot to me.
I am now going to make gluten free brownies and learn the art of mediation.

Sunday, April 7, 2013

you are not the sum of your parents mistakes

sometimes I feel like I am dragging my feet across the bottom of a lake
and my ankles get tangled in every lost fishing line
boot strap
or plant life.
sometimes I think I cant cry any harder
or laugh any louder
or think any longer about that one little mistake I made.
I don't want to be able to say "no, I can't, I have something to take care of"
because I would rather be climbing
or hiking up a new mountain
and not have to worry about the money in my pocket
or the food I wont be able to eat.
I want to be able to smile at my naked face in the mirror every morning
and not think about that pound I could lose
or gain
or the makeup that might make my face look more attractive.

and neither should you.

you shouldn't let anything or anyone run your life
you might think you are in control
you are happy
but under all that makeup, and all those moments
you are lying to yourself.
if you are not happy in any situation
be it unhealthy, cluttered, drunken, or anything otherwise
you should change it.
for yourself
not anyone else.

sometimes I get stuck in my own head. it's like the walls keep shooting upwards and my feet keep losing ground. I get caught up thinking about the places I have been and the people I have been with. I wish I could just not think about them, they aren't in my life anymore, not worth my time.
sometimes I fall into an insecure state of mind. all I want to hear is complements, all I want to feel is your skin across mine. I need to stop needing the attention. it is so much easier said than done. some days I realize how far I still have to go. I have so many more walls to climb, mountains to stand on top of, time to spend on friends and family.
I don't know why being alone is such a scary feeling. we're so young, we shouldn't fear anything.
every once in awhile, I stop talking and adding to conversation, because I just so bored and annoyed of hearing myself speak.
I never get sick of the sound of your voice
or the feeling of your skin
or the useless things we don't do because I would rather be in your arms.

its not a bad thing to spend all your time on someone
just don't loose your thoughts and needs
take care of yourself, no one can treat you with as much respect as yourself
and if you don't respect yourself
fix it.

Friday, April 5, 2013

empty

I feel like I have no one to talk to
but you're just a click away
I want to tell you everything
but I feel I have nothing to say
my brain is full of questions
and my confusion just keeps me silent
I wish I could just ask you
but I cant remember where I was going to start
am I falling back into something I cant control
or was control ever in my favor
sometimes I wonder where my footing is
because I can no longer feel my hands.
its an empty feeling when you realize you are, yet again, relying upon others for your own happiness.
how does this work? how are you supposed to pay attention to yourself when you are surrounded by so much noise?
i slept so terribly last night. i couldnt stop thinking about negitive things.

who am i? where do i belong? why am i still so lost? i thought growing up was about finding yourself.

Thursday, April 4, 2013

the reason you fail is because you are afraid to try
do you want 'what if's' to run your life?
you want to be an artist
so paint a god damn picture
write your heart out
don't question the consequences.

Tuesday, April 2, 2013

i need to stop watching emotional movies.

I want to read everything that is on your mind
fill my veins with your adrenaline rush
I want your fingers to fill every space
and help me pave a new feeling or two.
I want to write what is on my mind
and not worry about what will and wont rhyme
I wish I was better at painting, though
nothing ever gets finished, just lies in a pile, awaiting fate.
I don't want to be scared of the road I am walking
the company is rather enticing
I don't have to look back over my shoulder
I just aim my gaze up
and fall into your eyes.

frak

I really want to write something right now...
but my face hurts so much, and I cant even close it.
my train of thought is jumbled and im pretty upset about it.
I want wine, ice cream, and your body next to mine.
you're always so warm.