Thursday, July 29, 2010

get back to work.

With every day that goes by, I feel like I'm losing my sanity.
I feel like maybe something is wrong with me, I have an eating disorder, or I am bipolar, or SOMETHING.
I've slowly come to the realization that I don't have many friends. and by "friends", I mean people that are always there, not ones that call out of the blue, asking to hang out, and never get back.
I feel I have maybe 3 friends, one of which is my boyfriend, one I feel like I'm losing, and the other I want to become really close with and art with ALL THE TIME. She's amazing, and I can double date with her :)
Lately, my insides have been a mess of sorts, from stomach pain to back pain, neck and almost every joint. I dont know what's going on, but hopefully the doctors will tell me, and I'll be able to feel alive again.
I'm just a bowl full of complaints.
I feel awful.
I get to see my Bowie buddy today
and tomorrow my artsy buddy.
I'm excited for that, in the least.

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Everything to gain.

Have you ever felt so lost, you feel found?
Things are hectic, my life is looking up, way up. I have an amazing man-friend (cause who dates boys anymore?), I'm slowly moving my shit from point A to point B, and I'll be 20 in just a few short weeks.
But there are things that have been getting to me.
I understand people are busy, I am as well, but the one person, my other half, is busier than a bee. She's roadtripping and hanging out with her guy and having fun, but I feel neglected. I know our bond is beyond skin, but I feel naked with how little I've talked to her. I know my 'heart will go on', but I cant help buy want to cry when I see her post tons of comments about her "wifey" and "favorite girls". It makes me feel like an outdated fur coat that sits in a closet year round, just to be passed up for a new insulated one that doesnt look as flashy.
Number two, my body has been betraying me. I need to work out and climb and hike and eat healthy, but I feel dull and drained whenever I attempt anything. I'm not sure WHAT this vessel is doing, but can I trade it in for a submarine? My joints are falling apart, my stomach is a mess, and my emotions flex with the pains. I don't know how anyone can stand me.
I am excited, though, because it's almost August, which means almost my birthday, and my bestie promised she WOULD be this year, unlike the many years she has left the state. It also means that seasonal is comming, and Fred Meyer Jewelers wants me back (:D) so I'll have two part time jobs, and FMJ has been my favorite job EVER.

As a reminder to those reading, this is just what has been on my mind, sorry if I make anyone feel bad, I just need to get out those feelings.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

one day, one month, twenty years.

As of tomorrow, July 21st I will be one month away from being twenty years old. That will be two decades of my life already gone. 14 spent knowing my Dandelion, 8 years since my move, and less than a year spent knowing my own self. It’s strange to me that I’ve been alive this long, but I feel like I’m just starting. I just moved out, I’m doing things on my terms, and damn, I love my life.
I never thought I would make it this far, to be honest. I just never was able to imagine myself starting a family or moving out or moving up, but things are starting to look up a lot more than I ever imagined.
These almost 20 years haven’t been a breeze, they’ve been dusty and messy and scrambled, but look at me, I’m here. I’m standing, I’ve got scars, but hell, who doesn’t. I have the people I love around me telling me they are here for me, and I’ve got one strong heart and two stubborn feet.
I am keeping up on my tattoo collection, and as of Saturday I now have 3 lovely new layers of skin total.
I’ve reached a “no bullshit” level with everyone. I’m sick of sugarcoating things and treating shitty people nicely. I am currently living with my amazing boyfriend, and saving up what I can for a big tattoo next year, and eventually, a motorcycle.
It’s going to be weird to not be a teenager anymore.
It’s thrilling, really.

Friday, July 16, 2010

Dear you.

You make me sick.
I hope nothing ever works out for you
and Kharma kicks your ass every which way.
Everything you do digs under my skin
maybe this was my fault
but you couldn't commit in the first place.
I'm happy, and girl, I hope you feel like shit every damn day when you wake up
and cry yourself to sleep at night.
I hope you fail at everything
and curse all your loved ones.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Falling in love with a motorcycle

The title really says it all.
Her whole life, my mother has hatred for any two weeled vehicles, scooters, harleys, crotch rockets, you name it. Because of her hatred for these things, she told me I could never touch one until I was out of the house.
Well, mother and world, my name is Jennise Gaines, I have just moved out, I am one month shy of 20 years old... and I love strapping on a helmit, holding on tight, and leaning with Shane's turns.
I love the way the wind hits the helmit, the angle the sun hits my legs, and the way Shane sits up and hold my hand. The turns are sharp, the wind is harsh, and baby
I'm in love.
Look out world, this has just started <3

Thursday, July 8, 2010

Nothin's sweeter than summertime.

I've been living away from my family for a month
I've been carpooling and rock climbing and feeling alive
I've been packing lunches, taking picnics, and falling asleep with a smile on my face.
I'ts been a month with Shane
and some might think I talk about it too much
But I have no one to rant to about my happy moments and his goofy quirks
besides little texts to Dandelion
But we've been quiet, because no one needs to hear about our love
but I cant be quiet forever.
Our love is stronger than any metal I've ever touched
sweeter than any flower I've smelt
and easy.
It flows by like a cool breeze on a warm day.
I've never felt this free and happy with any boyfriend
I want to spend every minute I can with him.
He's an amazing, sweet, listening person
and he will never hurt me
and I will stand by him until I cant stand anymore.

so there.

Thursday, July 1, 2010

13.1 miles

at the start line, I was giddy
I walked for a mile with gym class in my ear, and watched the time clock
13 minute miles.
and I walked on, looking at the other people around me.
The bands slowly passed by, and we all cheered and clapped, and they smiled.
as music spread through my ears, I thought about what those 13 miles meant to me, then I looked around.
other walkers had shirts that stated they were there for someone else
"in loving memory"
I thought of Ansley
they said supportive words for friends with cancer
I thought of my Grandma
of Noah
and everyone that has sufferd.
Then I brought my thoughts back to myself, and how I has in this marathon for me, for my inner strength, and thought of everything 13 miles stood for.
13 miles stood for the many times I've let myself down for a boy
13 miles meant the end of loosing sight of my dreams for any reason
13 miles to think about what I am doing, about what I want to be doing
and about the thousands of people that were just like me
and the thousands that werent.
I was one in almost 30 thousand people
to them, I was another pair of shoes
or someone running for a reason
or maybe none at all
and it meant the world to me.
11 miles felt like a first kiss
12 miles looked beautiful and lively
and 13 miles
so close, and I didnt have to push. I still had a jump in my step and a smile on my face as I crossed that line with 'hands down' by dashboard confessional in my ear
and it was glorious.

here are my videos, the before finish line is closer. I'm the pale one that runs funny and is almost naked.