Saturday, June 15, 2013

it was easy coming back to you

I'm a little broken right now, anyone that can scroll down can diagnose that.
remember being young, and seeing every disney romance?
every white picket fence, every smiling parent?
being a product of my parents was not an easy feat
at twelve, I watched the duo that brought me into this world fall apart
there was no man behind a curtain, no mask to keep me safe.
I dyed my hair, pierced my lip, tore and cut flesh
painted, screamed, yelled, and ran
I promised myself I would never let anyone hurt me like that again
I would get married one day, and stay with that person through thick and thin.
ten years after their divorce, I am looking at that picket fence, wanting to be on the other side
I want to water the grass and fix the chimney
plant flowers and give everything a new paint job
but I can't.
I have been through so much emotional turmoil that "only time will heal me"
and I am staring at the clock, but the second hand never moves.
I just want to open that gate, but I need someone on the other side to walk towards
and I wish I didn't need that person.
all I want with my life is to be happy, and feel loved, and to be held
and it's slowly killing me that I will have to wait for that.
I keep being told that this is a good thing, and I need to accept myself
find myself
but what the fuck am I looking for?
I don't want to be happy alone
I just want to change with you by my side
and I am slowly pushing you away.
please, don't go.

Friday, June 14, 2013

my life is like a painting

a big, acrylic mess
with finger smudges around the edges
and a bit of black fading into yellow.
my life is dripping like a leaky faucet
with lipstick stains and coffee rings
a tare in the bottom left corner.
my painting can't seem to dry properly
because a new layer is flinging itself on whenever I close my eyes
with brushstrokes
teeth marks
and tear stains puddling up.
my life is complicated
but really, it's just color
layer upon another to show you how
I keep on moving
no color can slow me down.

Sunday, June 9, 2013

my feelings are like a Taylor Swift song

and i cant figure out what to say to get them out
but i think this time, i want to keep them in
keep this secret between friends
because I can't stand not thinking about you.

Much ado about nothing

while sitting I ponder
what things change my mind
when the wind blows east
will it be my time?
waiting aside, I lay awake
hoping the honesty I send you is taken well
because this is the time when everything hurts
but the person you become is all that counts.

Wednesday, June 5, 2013

sometimes I dont know where my mind wonders

when you were young you were everything I wanted
and kissing seemed like a feeling that would never end
walking was strong and steady
and your hand was always within my grasp

when you were gray
you said nothing would get between us
but something got in your way
and as you hand drifted further, I saw my heart grow cold
but nothing could fix us
because we were too old

when I was middleaged I found the perfect place
to sit outside your window
as you held yourself with grace
but for some reason I fell for your smile
the one that you always wore before your hair ran away
and nothing kept me stable
because I fell for you anyway

leather jackets, grape smoke

nothing to say
not much to do
just a dandilion in this tornado
tumbling around, unsure which way to go

your voice in my ear
electronics take over my mood
and I tumble insecurly
thinking of you

fingers against skin
teeth on concrete
nothing is at stake
with water below my feet

and as I spin
I feel steady in my stance
because nothing will change my heartbeat
no one will hold my hand.