Monday, May 27, 2013

the king of carrot flowers

it's those nights that you hear a song you tried to forget
that tears your disguise of strength off of your bones
and makes you realize that you are completely vulnerable.

"It's just a song, it cant hurt you."

the memories flood back, and I am on that terrible bed
laying so close to you I forget how uncomfortable my body is
and just lose myself in your laugh
it was those pink pants, they started my laughter
and you loved every minute of it.

driving down 405 brings back those memories like a rush
your song came on the radio, and I snapped
I realized I don't think I will ever be completely over you
and that might just not be a bad thing
it will just be a strange, painful ride.

"at least you tried, you're stronger than I am"
"at least you realized it wouldn't work, you're stronger than I am"
"at least you wont have to wonder if you made a mistake"
but what if I did? what if moving made me weaker, and uglier, an softer?
what if I stayed? what if I didn't move, or didnt move back?

all the questions fill my lungs as I take a deep breath in
I breathe out, and watch them leave
if only for a moment
I can feel everything
and I miss that feeling

One day, I will be that person I am striving for now.
one day, I will be able to not ask advice as a life saving tool.
one day, I will be great.
and nothing great
is ever easy.

Friday, May 10, 2013

how am i going to find my way home?

I thought I had put things behind me
I thought that for sure, I had things under control
Maybe saving fortune cookie sheets does harm after all.
I see your picture and I realize I am not over you
all this time, and still, I think maybe that fortune was about you.
so I loose my breath and feel confused
and shake and worry and scratch and pick
this isn't what you meant. this isn't what I need.

but it's what i want.

Wednesday, May 8, 2013

I know who i am

And i don't mean that in the "I'm a strong woman, i stick to my morals" sense.
I know what it takes to bore me
To get me excited
And what i really don't like.
I really don't like placeholders.
I feel like lately, that is what i have filled my life with. Placeholders.
It's like a placebo for the happiness i one day hope to fill and feel and breathe
But for now, I'm a waste of space
So i fill it with uncertainty, wine, time with friends, and cat pictures
Because if i don't, i think this darkness will eat me alive.
I can't win this battle with the person i am today. I'm a depressed loser that had troubles listening to herself speak

Just find me before i drown.

Sunday, May 5, 2013


Ever look at fragments of your life and wonder why it isn't fair?
why little things that happened along the way never made full sense?
"you cant have your cake and eat it too"
i hate that statement.
knowing full well what I want
what will make me happy down the road
and realizing the path I take hurts people makes me want to take a step back
but if I do i will never get to where I want.
It sucks, looking at people that are working hard on a career or life goal
then looking in the mirror and realizing my only life goal is getting a ring on my finger
seems a bit selfish, doesn't it?

I don't know. nothing else seems like it will keep me happy the way a serious relationship does.
I love being someones girlfriend. I love having dinner ready when he gets home, sharing showers, and being alone together. I just dont think many other things will measure up to that emotional bond

and I am terrified I will never find "him" again