i want to sit in your kitchen

and watch your every move

i want to sneak in your windows

and fill every crack with my wonder

i want to write a story

and fill you with this ocean in my mind

leave your back door ajar

unlock the dead bolt and shiver in fear

lie awake at night listening to every false step and branch against the window

wishing it was me

want me in your bedroom

feel me in your veins

wake and quake and fear the feelings

wake and feel the waves.

I really wonder

if people are as dumb as they act.

is it a show? do you really think this gets you positive attention or friends?

My great big octopus heart.

I have been hurt before, as many people have. I have given love to many people, friends, boyfriends, family, nature. I am sometimes rejected, sometimes forgotten, but mostly returned that love.

in the many relationships that i have had, I have noticed one thing about myself.

I give, and give, and love, and give.

I realize now it is a bit more within reason

as in I think before I give

and give

but man, I love to give.

I really enjoy making people happy

and I don't plan on sounding like a jerk

but I am a good, loyal, giving heart, and I know that about me.

it's nothing to ever boast or scream about, just something I need to remind myself when I feel unhappy or question myself.

a few months ago, I had a dream about an octopus, but really it was a human heart with tentacles. I cant remember why I dreamed it or what it did, I just know I loved it, and I felt like it explained my personal satisfaction easily. A large heart with arms, handing out whatever makes you happy.

So, in lieu of my 21st birthday, I feel like I need to commemorate myself. I'm going to be twenty one years old. I know there is more to come, and that every year will feel better as it comes, but this is me leaving behind my childhood, my fears, my nightmares and thoughts that will go away with determination.

I wrote this blog for two reasons. One is to easily explain why I want a large octopus taking over my arm, and the other is to ask you as a birthday present to yours truly, to present me with birthday money to add to my art. My birthday is not until august, and any little bit will help, as every one of my friends has touched my heart, and will never be forgotten.

Thank you for reading.