Tuesday, December 15, 2009


you're all i think about. its 1 am and sleep cant even touch me, i am so crazy about this feeling. why am i still awake? you're there when i need you, your presence is next to me, even if you arent. i am crazy about you, she adores you.
stick with me, please. i am so scared, but with you here, it's not as bad.

Sunday, December 13, 2009

hear you me

and I'm going to keep changing
but I'd like it better with you by my side.
I say all the wrong things
but you just laugh it off anyways
which means a lot to me.
you have me in the palm of your hands
you're underneith my skin
and i wouldn't change anything about you
even you're OCD's.
i've fallin way too many times
katie's one to know
she still sticks with me and makes me smile
though i feel lost every once in awhile.
what a dumb way to ryhme
i am sooooo sleepy...

Friday, December 11, 2009


I wrote this a few weeks back, but decided it needed publishing.

Fragile is one way to put it
Broken is another
A butterfly can fly so far
But not far enough to reach the stars.

Poetic is one way to put it
Pathetic is another
So many paths to choose
Why not just sit and wait
Why take a chance at failure
When you could just relax and paint?

I'm not picking the cautious road
I'll take my chances
I'm not reading your book anymore
I'm okay with writing my own.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

the forbidden "P" word

because I've said it way too much
i've used up its amount and been kicked in the rear way too much.
it's because i already know when you're jokes are comming
but i cant help but laugh anyways
and for a really long time, might i add.
it's because even though i've been hurt
you know the pain
and we're both taking it slow.
it feels like a secret, one i can tell a thousand times and still keep
a word that only fits into four spaces
but makes my heart dance
and head spin.
because it feels like this time...
i could be right.

i like being scared.
please, i hope to anything that will hear me
please, just this once
be right.

its a beautiful day in the neighborhood

a beautiful day <3
I'm wearing 4 shirts, and no jacket in 30 degree weather
I passed my math final
I started my day off with Ferris Beuller
and my boyfriend came over <3
the day of all days. i love life!

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

you make me sick

yea, that's right, YOU.
you sit there, wallowing in your own piss and pity, when you really just need to GET THE FUCK OVER IT! everyone is aware that all your pathetic posts are about him, all those little "i miss you's" and pittiful cries for attention are enough to make me gag. sure, he's close to me, but if it was anyone I would be saying the same damn thing. it took me 2 god damned years to get over someone, but i wasnt as fucking pathetic as you are being.
you think you are losing friends because they're all shitty, but in reality, YOU are the shitty person. everything HAS to elvolve around you or it's the end of the fucking world. the reason you're "best friend" isn't that great is because you let her treat you like shit, you like feeling like crap so you can WHINE to other people and make them rant on the internet! you sit on your throne, saying "so-and-so is such a whiner" or "all they think about is themselves" and then turn around and say you wear your fucking heart on your sleeve. bull fucking shit.
if you ever read this, i bet you my left leg you wont say more than a few heated words then go tell the world that i was always a bad friend, you'll never have me back up my words with explanations and try to better yourself.
the only person who can change your world and who you are is YOURSELF, and if you continue to just sit there and DROWN YOURSELF in you're own disgusting pity, then you are equal to... well, nothing. i have no pity for your shit, and the only reason i havent said this to your face yet is because you wouldnt hear what i'm really saying, you'd just hear the bad and go cry to someone who "cares"
think about it, GIRL, its all YOU, only YOU, and YOU should do something about YOURSELF.

peace the FUCK out.

Monday, December 7, 2009

When every road leads to you.

Every word you say is everthing I need to hear. This has to be a dream. Every kiss breaks down the walls I am holding up. Every time you stare into my eyes I fight the urge to choke up and tell you how much I love you. This is only the beginning of love, I'm only just starting to let myself fall. This is going deep, and I can't fight it. When every road leads to you, I am okay with getting lost.
Thank you.

Thursday, December 3, 2009

You asked.

Amazing is the way you look at me,
and I know everything is right.
Amazing is in the way you hold me,
and all these feelings are set free inside.
An "amazing" definition it to each their own,
but in my eyes my repesentation
is a man that makes my heart feel at home.

not the best poem I've ever written, but I couldn't hold it back.

oh yea baby

Dec. 6th, 2007
Dec. 6th 2009
It would be close
would be
but you're missing out.
a year and a half?
I can top that, he's a better person than anyone i've ever met.
It's your loss. I don't miss you.


Tuesday, December 1, 2009

learn it. live it. love it. love me.

I can't imagine all the people that you know
And the places that you go
When the lights are turned down low
And I don't understand
All the things you've seen
But I'm slipping in between
You and your big... dreams
it's always you in my big dreams

And you tell me
That it's over
Wake up lying in a patch of four leaf clover
And you're restless
And I'm naked
You've got to get out
You can't stand to see me shaking
no, could you let me go
I didn't think so

and you don't want to be here in the future
So you say
the present's just a pleasant
Interruption to the past

And you don't want to look much closer
'Cause you're afraid to find out all this hope
You had sent into the sky by now had... crashed
and it did because of me

And then you bring me home
Afraid to find out that you're alone, no
And I'm sleeping in your living room
But we don't have much room
To live

I had these dreams, in them I learned to play guitar
Maybe cross the country
Become a rockstar
And there was hope in me
That I could take you there
But damn it you're so young
But I don't think I care
and if I hurt you then i'm sorry
please don't think that this was easy

And then you bring me home
'Cause we both know what it's like to be alone, no
And I'm dreaming in your living room
But we don't have much room
To live

And Konstantine is walking down the stairs
Doesn't she look good
Standing in her underwear?
And I was thinking, what I was thinking
But we've been drinking
And it doesn't get me anywhere

My Konstantine came walking down the stairs
And all that I could do
Was touch her long blonde hair
And I've been thinking
It hurts me thinking
That these nights when we were drinking
No they never got us anywhere, no

This is because I can spell konfusion with a K
And I can like it
It's to dying in anothers arms
and why i had to try it

It's to jimmy eat world
and those nights in my car
when the first star you see
may not be a star
I'm not your star
Isn't that what you said?
what you thought this song meant

And if this is what it takes
just to lie with my mistakes
and live with what I did to you
All the hell I put you through
I always catch the clock it's 11:11
And now you want to talk
it's not hard to dream
You'll always be my Konstantine
My Konstantine

They'll never hurt you like I do
No, They'll never hurt you like I do
No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No

This is to a girl who got into my head
with all the pretty things she did
Hey, You know, you keep me up in bed
This is to a girl who got into my head
with all these fucked up things I did
Hey maybe baby, you could keep me up in bed
My Konstantine

Spin around me like a dream
We played out on this movie screen
And I said,
Did you know I miss you
Did you know I miss you
Did you know I miss you
Did you know I miss you
Did you know I miss you
Did you know I miss you
Did you know I miss you

I miss you

And then you bring me home
And we'll go to sleep but this time not alone, no No,
And then you'll kiss me in your living room, oh
I know you miss me in your living room
Cause these nights I think maybe that I miss you in my living room
We don't have much room
I said, does anybody need that room?
Because we all need a little more room
To live

...My Konstantine <3

Monday, November 30, 2009

we live in a beautiful world.

life is better. it may hurt, but what is better, pulling out the thorns, or keeping them in? i did the right thing, even if i feel bad, and life is getting better.
a few days left at school and then winter break, a month of working and relaxing until winter quarter. lets hope the weather doesn't hate us too bad this year.
Katie, i miss you again.
oh, and i wish i could control falling, but this time, i know its good.

Friday, November 27, 2009

I am ugly

I am one of the worst people I know. I am on the inside, I think too much, and what type of bitch hates crying around people? I am the worst friend someone could ask for, I change days I am going to hang out with someone, I put my trust into people too deep, and I go through boys like paper. I just want to be happy, but I fucking can't be. Sorry Jennise, not today!
Fuck this shit. I'm gonna go cry myself to sleep.

Sunday, November 22, 2009

I'm not saying that I will never know

I'm crazy. I don't understand why others dont realize.
I can't think in nice, structured sentances right now.
Everybody everybody (get down, get down now)
I am thinking of getting a new tattoo sometime soonish. As in soon, I mean after I touch up my last one and it gets closer to summer.
I'm falling, and this time I'm closing my eyes. yea yea, I fall too much, but I can't give up the adrenaline rush of wondering who will, or wont, catch me.
I was so scared last night, but your loud singing and drunked kisses made me calm.
I was even more scared later, and I really am not sure why, but you fixed things up so well.
I wish you would take pictures of me. I love modeling, but I love candidness better.
Write me a poem.
Write the world one about us.
I can't wait to see my other half <3
I am so glad I fell in love with my best friend so young. If boys came before you, I would be in shambles.
You are my rock.
Becomming a new person is hard to do. I knew I needed to change, but I never realized I was going to recreate myself. It's terrifying, and amazing.
Love me <3

Friday, November 20, 2009

what made you an alley cat?

I wish I could make out a calendar that had days that were titled "don't fuck up my day" and maybe other days could say "I don't care, talk to me today!"
I was having an awesome morning, and I know I shouldn't act like just because I'm okay, everyone else is, but someone had to confront me about something I am trying to feel okay about, and he ruined my whole fucking morning. I know you are hurt, I am trying to put that behind me so I can make myself better, but hearing you're hurt only makes me want to pity and make you feel better. I cant do that, I have to do this for me, even if you're hurt, I've pitied too much, THIS IS FOR ME, I HAVE TO DO THIS EVEN IT I HATE IT. I have to hurt others, because if I don't I hurt myself. I've done that for 19 damned years, let me grow up!

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Dear world, and everyone in it.

I love my life. I am happy. I am in this alone, I am here to fight, and get myself back. I am a trustworthy person, I am honest, but can sometimes be a bit too shy and... awkward. I have never been smooth with words, though writing is never as hard as speaking.
Today was nothing special, but the one thing that cheered up my day was a boy buying an engagement ring, and I reverted back to the days when I danced on the table and sang at the top of my lungs thinking I would either live happily ever after, or live in a house with my best friend with a "no boys allowed" door mat with a thousand cats, and I was fine with that thought.
I miss the days of not having to worry, so guess what? I'm reverting back. screw being so worried and awkward, I'm doing this for me, and the happiness I bring upon others shouldn't be my trying to bring them joy, it should be me living life and them happy because I am.
Best of luck to that couple. He deffinitly made my day.

Thoughts for the day

Good mood
GREAT mood
signed up for classes, literary approaches to the bible and math
working today from 1-5
then german hw, need to get at least a 1.7 to pass, aiming for a 2.1

katie, i still have your dance pants

... does anyone read this thing?

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

My day

work out (x)
start cleaning room ()
do math ()
study for german ()

today i did:
3 sets of 20 crunches
5 pushups
10 leglifts
a 25 minute power walk

goals by the end of this month:
be able to do 100 crunches without breaks
jog for 30 minutes w/o breaks
be able to do 30 pushups w/o breaks
and 30 leglifts w/o breaks

Tuesday, November 17, 2009


they're good to keep.

wake up (x)
get ready (x)
go to school (x)
go home and pretty up (x)
go to work, baby (x)
study for this math test ( )
hang out with him (x)
eat healthy (all day) (^)
do some sort of an exercise ( )
and possibly study for german ( )

Sometimes I think this cycle never ends

I'm a fighter. Every day I stand in a square ring and throw my best at the worst, hoping for an outcome. Sometimes, I throw some cheap shots, and more often then not I throw a chunk of myself out there, using all my strength I try to take my opponent by suprise. Most of the time, that rival somehow sees it comming, but if I'm lucky my trick will work, and I'll win that fight.
Today, my opponent is myself. Today, I'm in a ring fighting a mirror, getting hit with the exact punches I and throwing, and failing at dodging. No matter how many kicks, how many submissions, it always ends up tied.
Maybe I'll be able to win today, maybe today I can break that mirror.

Monday, November 16, 2009

Hello day

You are trying to rain me out, arent you? you're trying to make me cry and try to erase this page and start writing a new book. I can never finish, you never let me. I have so many unfinished books, so many crumpled up pieces of paper, every pencil is broken...
I cant do this, I cant ruin another perfectly good book... not this time. This time, I'm doing this for me, 'cause why not?

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

and everybody knows it

i miss you. i miss you more than i would miss a lost limb. i miss your fantastically perfect soul. i miss your face. i miss the way you smile with your eyes.
i miss katie.