Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Sitting on the valley view roof

It’s funny how your past looks when you’re staring it in the eyes
How some little mishaps turned into lies
But with you by my side
My world will be fine.
So baby just breathe
All you really need is love
Some old musical movies
But there will always be a reason to run.
So just hold tight
Listen to the wind
Take a deep breath
you will always have Washington love
to take you back in.

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

the best.

I think this is finally over.
I need to do this for me

No more faking
No more fights and hating
I'm done, and this time, this one time
You keep your mouth shut

Good luck on your travels.
My hope for you is that you grow up
And find your bearings in life.


Monday, September 27, 2010

I am an easily manipulated being.
This is quite a true statement, my dear fellow.
The manipulations change from person to person, it all depends on their will and thier way
which, there usually is no way
it just happens.
Around old friends I can feel that old tug of wanting to be someone else tear at my heart.
I was easily manipulated. I liked it. My stupidity and laughter brought them laughter, and with it, brought new things I could be.
I'm a million different people from one day to the next
and I loved it.
It was when I found someone that made me me
I didnt want to be anybody. I wanted to be myself, my ugly, boring, scarred self.
but those people still pop up
they become new people, or even just thinking about them I fall into the same routine.
laugh. smile. apologize. act normal
what is that? Normal
the word has always tasted stale and foreign on my tongue.
Normal doesn't exist
not in the waking world anyways.

Being normal or perfect will always be a dream
a realm we cannot touch.
because me might act perfect, see ourselves as perfect, there will always be alteast one thing wrong with everything.
I have scars. I have done terrible things to myself, and I am slowly comming to realize the amount of horror I actually bestowed upon myself.
even if I had a perfect life, that would mean that my grandparents had it perfect
all four of them
and my parents would have to had had an amazing life
that, my dear, is the ugliest thing that could ever happen
because no one would die. There would be no fear, no hate, no tears
kisses would be routine
sunsets would just fade out, unwatched
and there would be NO good shows on TV.

Jokes aside, the meaning of this ramble (i guess) is without the bad, the good wouldn't be anything more than ordinary, plain, unnoticed.
I am scarred, but I have had this nightmare of a life for one reason
to be thankful for the good.

Thank you to all of you who were my good at times.
I wouldn't be here without you.

okay. OKAY.

After reading a friends blog for about 8 posts, I think I am ready to do this.
I am recovering from an eating disorder.
That's a lot harder to say then I could ever imagine.
I have been blog jumping, going from blog to blog, reading a bit and deciding what I think about it... then I stumbled upon these blogs about girls recovering from eating disorders. I know I had a problem, I know I weighed 85 lbs til my junoir year, and finally broke 110 just a few months ago.
I still can't eat red meat like steak, roast, or anything that isnt a hamburger or sliced uber small
If I think about my weight, bone sructure, or much of highschool while I am eating I stop, I loose my appitite. Sometimes if I think of the meat, I see it as my own flesh and blood. I cant eat it, I can't gain another pound.
I can eat snacks throughout the day so much easier than big meals.
I know I have come a ways, but it's not far enough.
I never brought this up to anyone, I have even kept it from myself. I was a beautiful, tiny, skiny canvas of flesh pulled tight agaisnt bones, and I still looked in the mirror and saw fat. There were days I would cover the mirror or get dressed in the dark.
These days are hard to talk about.
Once I started cutting, I realized I had to stop
it could definitly take me over, like my eating disorder
everyone asked
I lied
to everyone.
I lied to my mother, to my best friend, hell, I lied to the mirror
admitting I had a problem meant I would have a reason to fix it.

so this is it. This is one of the handfull of things that have been tearing me apart for years. the others I am finally able to open up about, and if you ask, I will try to tell you, but it would be a very long post, or conversation.
We all have issues, weaknesses, stupidity
mine have just piled to heaven over the years.

Thank you.


I have had a lot on my mind lately. %80 of what I cant to say is too hard to write out, so here is something a little less worrysome.
it's still worrysome though.
also, if you ask me about this blogpost, I might not talk about it.
it's too stupid for real conversations.
I've never been one to become obsessed with someone or go crazy over their exsistence, I dont have a twitter for that reason, and I'm only friends with a small handful of celebrities on FB and such. the only time i have been obsessed with a celeb was my Jeff Hardy stuff, and I still love him, because he was my idol. I wasnt insane becuase how cute he was or his character, but everything he was I wanted to be. he was carefree, and I wanted that. He was a risk taker and a jokester, a hardass on himself, and he strived for greatness. Yes, so he is charged with drug use
we all have our toils
but this isnt supposed to be a blog about that Hardy boy
this is about someone else.
If i am in a relationship, I try to keep feelings to myself and that person, but sometimes I get crushes. I currently have a crush on a celebrity. The issue is ITS STUPID, and besides that I want to not have those feelings, thus not watch what he is on so I dont feel terrible (though its just a crush, fuck I'm 20, what the hell is wrong with me??) but he is on a show I really enjoy and want to keep watching. So I have this DUMB predicament.
please tell me you know how I feel.... PLEASE.
pathetic little me.

Friday, September 24, 2010

I would like to disappear, please.


Friday, September 17, 2010

hypocritica bullshite.

So I hate "beating around the bush", but it seems it's one thing I have been champion of for my whole life. Gold metal in not telling the truth, blue ribbon in ignoring the problem..... so recently I have decided to ditch my system, and create a new one.
My inhibility to face things head on started at a young age. My brother and I would play for hours outside, ruining atleast one gardening tool, piece of clothing, or neighbors property a day, thus eventually facing the wrath of our father. Realizing that not telling the whole truth, or not bringing up an issue (such as bleeding from a wound due to playing with screwdrivers and the like) would result in feeling bad, but not as bad as the names and things my father would do in order to punish us.
Years of lying to him made it easier at school too, like lying to teachers about doing work, or making up stories to tell kids to make them like me. As more doors opened, running around the mulberry bush became easier, easier than living a boring life or getting in trouble.
eventually, people figure out you're a liar. especially if they are your parents or older than you. This gave me a new problem. I had to tell the truth, after lying for so long? Screw that!
Years went by, and I was slowly realizing that lying hurt more than it helped. Until I was about 16 years old, the majority of the babble that came out of my mouth was a bold-face, stupid lie. It took a lot, but I eventually beat it, and let me tell you, being a cumpulsive liar is a hard thing to kill. Somehow though, through all that, I made friends with liars like me. slowly backing away from those people was hard too, but until yesterday I still had one 'friend' that was that way.
She would talk to everyone, in the loudest voice possible, dance around looking for a spot light, and tell people what they WANTED to hear, or what she thought would make them happy. SHE is a damn liar. This girl dated my brother, for what seemed like a happy few months, but he eventually got over her and moved on. She was not okay with this, and took it upon herself (since she was so greatly wronged by teenage lust, 'love', and highschool drama) to make my brohters life 'a living hell'.
Now, reader, I do not know if you have any siblings, but of the two I have, he has been my best friend for years. We spent most of our childhood together, and he happens to be one of the few people that can cheer me up in any situation. being friends with my bothers ex started wearing on me. after they broke up I would go over for dinner, trying to enjoy time with a friend, but during that time her and her mother took it upon themselves to talk shit about my younger brother. I tried putting up with it, but as every post on her Facebook, every thought, and every action became about him, I started talking to her and hanging out, less and less. She would complain to me, to her family, other friends and so on, but never tell the same story, or take any advice.
Jennise has a problem with this.
We all told her to get over it, unknot her panties, and move on. She kept spreading rumors, going after his girlfriends, and even asking (time after time) to date him again. I tried to leave it to beaver, but yesterday, that ignoring process became too much.
After reading a juvinile "dear you-know-who-you-are" post on her Facebook, I went home for dinner, thus learning it was truely about him. The post sums up (in my words) that he's a scumbag, but she still loves him. We easily figured out it was about him because a) it's her post and b) he couldnt view it
I took it upon myself to send a short and sweet text saying I was sick of her mopey shit, and that our friendship was over, the whole time deneying it was about him. she then texted him about it, not understanding why I would freak out like that, so he took this oportunity to do some digging. She tried telling him the post was about someone else, but when asked why it was blocked from him, she was cornered.
I think we all know the morale to this story. Don't lie, or tell half of the truth. overall, don't be a terrible person, and learn how to tell the truth or keep your mouth shut.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Dear you

I miss your spotted, wonderful guts.
Gallop back here soon, you hear?

Monday, September 13, 2010


Age is a funny thing. Throughout history, age has played a big part. People used to die in their 40's and it was considered a full life, parents used to decide marriage for thier children, and those kids werent even in their teens yet. You think as time changed, so would people, but I guess not.
As usual, I will point out what some people might think when they read my ideas out of this blog. "what say do you have in this matter?" Well, fellow youngins, I may be someone you dont look up to, maybe it's my eight piercings or thrice tattooed skin... but I have been in a few handfuls of relationships. I know what love is, or what some people think it is. That unsettleing happy feeling in your stomach, The way your mood lights up when you see them, the endless hours you spend with them is never enough.
I have thought I was in love, only to find out I was wanting love, I was sitting, waiting for something that wouldnt happen. Maybe it was because I was younger than 17, maybe it was the less than 4 month relationships, but I wanted and wanted, and they were always one sided.
So once I hit 19, things started making sense. I decided I didn't want to marry til 26, and have kids til 30. I want to be grown up and understood and confident. The reason I started this "list of shit I should wait to do" was because too many of my high school friends were deciding they were in love and wanted babies and were going to pop out some hellions and live happily ever after. Oh, also get hitched, forgot that *important part.
* There was an astric because marriage isn't important any more. People get married way too young, after a 3 month relationship, and 1 month engagements. Maybe YOU aren't aware, but until you have been with someone for about 3 years, you dont know them, and if you havent lived with them... then you're fucked. Living together is a huge step, I know momma said and you dont wanna listen to momma, but my momma was right, and after you have kids, it changes even more. My parents were together for a good dating period, got married when they were 24, and started having kids at 30. My parents were married for 17 years or so, then they called it quits.
That should also have an astric, as my Dad changed drasticly with the marriage, the move in, and the three hellions. He put up with us, and we put up with him, and until I was about 17 there was no loving relationship there. I will never forget the day I first heard my dad use the word "beautiful", or after realizing he was actually looking at flowers, butterflies and the rest of the world. It took my Dad 46 years to grow up and become himself. I wish you better luck.
And I dont mean to be miss negative Nancy over here, saying nothing will work and life will suck and you will get divorced and die old, alone, and done for... it may work. I just feel the percentage of "the possibility of living happily ever after" gets better the older you are, the longer you have been with the peron, and your maturity level.
Love and happiness is too much of a gamble, but we love to play it so.

Thanks for reading

Saturday, September 11, 2010


I need to write three blogs
one about age
one about religion

but this one will be about my latest tattoo.
Let me start off by saying if someone wants something permanently on their body, then hell, let them do it. You cant change their mind, they want it, and they will get it.
second, is no matter how -stupid- you think that tattoo is, they will love it and look at it and enjoy their new skin, and the meaning it has to them, or that it will grow to have.
Not all tattoo's have meaning when you get them, they can just be a change you want or a saying you enjoy. When I got my first tattoo, it was spontaneous, random, and googled. As time went on, I fell in love with what it actually started meaning to me. "this iron heart may be dented and rusted, but god dammit she's a runner."
it meant that through everything, I gained a layer of skin, and put a lock on my damaged heart.

My second tattoo meant the world to me. It sang to me, it looked up whenever I looked down. My tattoo was to remind me that through it all, I am all the motivation I need to get up and do something. I am the change I need in my world, I am my own god and I will do things right, because I have to. This tattoo is me.

My third and latest tattoo was a spur of the moment, but for a few weeks I had wanted it engraved on me. I wanted to feel the words, grow and learn from them. The issue there, is people's stupidity. I go back to my first and second comment on how I wanted it, and how I got it, and how I enjoy seeing words on my skin like ink on parchment. I love the way they feel on my ribs, and will love them as if the words were born with me.
About people's "stupidity", is that it's the end song to a video game. I have played, but not finished this game, thus (nerdy) people look down at me when they find out I have not actually completed this game, and earning this song.
The phrase is why I got it, I take it literary, as well as what I have added in my short time of owning this new layer of skin
"you don't always have to finish what you start to learn a lesson from it"

Thank you for reading, and realize the next time you judge someone, you should judge yourself first.