Monday, September 27, 2010

okay. OKAY.

After reading a friends blog for about 8 posts, I think I am ready to do this.
I am recovering from an eating disorder.
That's a lot harder to say then I could ever imagine.
I have been blog jumping, going from blog to blog, reading a bit and deciding what I think about it... then I stumbled upon these blogs about girls recovering from eating disorders. I know I had a problem, I know I weighed 85 lbs til my junoir year, and finally broke 110 just a few months ago.
I still can't eat red meat like steak, roast, or anything that isnt a hamburger or sliced uber small
If I think about my weight, bone sructure, or much of highschool while I am eating I stop, I loose my appitite. Sometimes if I think of the meat, I see it as my own flesh and blood. I cant eat it, I can't gain another pound.
I can eat snacks throughout the day so much easier than big meals.
I know I have come a ways, but it's not far enough.
I never brought this up to anyone, I have even kept it from myself. I was a beautiful, tiny, skiny canvas of flesh pulled tight agaisnt bones, and I still looked in the mirror and saw fat. There were days I would cover the mirror or get dressed in the dark.
These days are hard to talk about.
Once I started cutting, I realized I had to stop
it could definitly take me over, like my eating disorder
everyone asked
I lied
to everyone.
I lied to my mother, to my best friend, hell, I lied to the mirror
admitting I had a problem meant I would have a reason to fix it.

so this is it. This is one of the handfull of things that have been tearing me apart for years. the others I am finally able to open up about, and if you ask, I will try to tell you, but it would be a very long post, or conversation.
We all have issues, weaknesses, stupidity
mine have just piled to heaven over the years.

Thank you.

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