Monday, September 27, 2010

I am an easily manipulated being.
This is quite a true statement, my dear fellow.
The manipulations change from person to person, it all depends on their will and thier way
which, there usually is no way
it just happens.
Around old friends I can feel that old tug of wanting to be someone else tear at my heart.
I was easily manipulated. I liked it. My stupidity and laughter brought them laughter, and with it, brought new things I could be.
I'm a million different people from one day to the next
and I loved it.
It was when I found someone that made me me
I didnt want to be anybody. I wanted to be myself, my ugly, boring, scarred self.
but those people still pop up
they become new people, or even just thinking about them I fall into the same routine.
laugh. smile. apologize. act normal
what is that? Normal
the word has always tasted stale and foreign on my tongue.
Normal doesn't exist
not in the waking world anyways.

Being normal or perfect will always be a dream
a realm we cannot touch.
because me might act perfect, see ourselves as perfect, there will always be alteast one thing wrong with everything.
I have scars. I have done terrible things to myself, and I am slowly comming to realize the amount of horror I actually bestowed upon myself.
even if I had a perfect life, that would mean that my grandparents had it perfect
all four of them
and my parents would have to had had an amazing life
that, my dear, is the ugliest thing that could ever happen
because no one would die. There would be no fear, no hate, no tears
kisses would be routine
sunsets would just fade out, unwatched
and there would be NO good shows on TV.

Jokes aside, the meaning of this ramble (i guess) is without the bad, the good wouldn't be anything more than ordinary, plain, unnoticed.
I am scarred, but I have had this nightmare of a life for one reason
to be thankful for the good.

Thank you to all of you who were my good at times.
I wouldn't be here without you.

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