Tuesday, May 18, 2010

I’m much weaker than the world seems to think.
I’m stubborn, and a pain in my own ass, I wonder how people put up with me sometimes.
Lately, life has been a bit more care-free than normal. I’ve been getting up, enjoying work, going home, and sometime in my day working out. Also, every weekend I conquer a mountain.
The only reason life has been so simple is because I have made it that way. I’ve only been focusing on 3 people; Katie, Shane, and myself.
And by focusing, I mean shutting out pretty much anyone else. Yes, it’s cold, but I feel it’s the right thing to do. When you focus on the entire world for your whole life, only to find out its wrong and tearing you apart, you need to change it.
Everyone sees me as a good person, a sweet girl that’s always happy. That’s a disguise, as many people have them. Yes, I can deal with it, but again, lately I’ve wanted to be happy just being me, the simple, enjoyable girl only 2 people really know.
Around other people, I change how I am and what I do to calm them and make them happy and their happiness is like a band aid for me. No matter who it is, if you aren’t Katie or Shane, I’m not really that…. ‘me’.
So what it boils down to is what I should do, what I think is right.
I’d love to keep life this way, only being myself, not feeling the need to change the way I am.
And no, it’s nothing you can control, it’s all me, no matter what you do I’m still not going to be %100. It’s bearable, but that feeling of complete being and worthiness is greater than gold.

So, either I go along with how things are and try to re-build myself around people I can never be myself around
or I start over a clean slate….

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