This is the feeling

of pulling un-rooted baby teeth out
the sharp pain you get when you know you did the right thing
but still feel like dirt
cigarette buds
coffee grounds.

this is diving into the feelings i dont want to re-surface
this is wanting to punch your lights out til this very fucking day.
this is to gaining, losing, and cutting off friends.

I'm broken
but this wasnt self inflicted.
i'm still cleaning up the mess you made
I'm still fighting the urge to get the fuck up and move away
but what good will it do?

the times you didnt pick up the phone
or listen when i said something wasnt okay
the time i ran my gas tank and heart out for you
and you didnt say one god damn word of thanks.
you left
you dissapeard.

and i've done my fair share of hurt and stupidity
trust me, I have
but fuck, why not?
over the years, I finally realized
this is about me
all of it
every god damn
stinking
rotting
horrible drop of it.

this inner fight is just that, inner.
and lately, if ive been talking to you
consider yourself one lucky duck
because i'm sick of being me
being manipulated
taken advantage of
even in the smallest way possible.

this world was made for us to bend
break
pollute
destroy
just as well as anybody living on it.
life is a recurring nightmare after another
it's a wake up, follow suit, do your best, fall asleep.
i's make them happy, make yourself happy, and be constantly happy all the time.

it will never happen
ever
no matter how hard anyone tries
you are never happy %100 of the time
but you will try to fix your unhappiness
or someone elses.

the people who have hurt me
or stopped caring...
thank you.
I needed that.
you think I could be as strong as i am right now without you?
you thought you broke me
fuck, you didnt even care
but thank you.

as for what i've done?
ive trusted tall, lanky, dark beautiful boys with my heart
I've been taken advantage of
dumped
and curbstomped.
I've stopped comming back for more
and hell, i dont miss a minute of you.
but i still hope you miss me.

this life isnt about the physical portion of it
this is about everything else
why we are here
why we feel
or work
or do shitty things to good people
good things to shitty people
why do you come back for more?
because maybe
just maybe
you are as masochistic as I am.

welcome to the middle.
you will never find the end
but keep feeling
fighting
living
keep fucking going
because you are beautiful
and you are worth it.