because you have to remember the bottom to find your way up

every step feels instantly gratifying
because it took me a year to start feeling myself
understanding a heart beat again.
because I wasnt ready last time
and I fell and I fucked up
and I brought you down too
but you still offered a hand when I needed help up
and maybe I didn't deserve it
but I am going to make damn sure I do.
everything I said about wanting a future with you was true
I was just still covering myself in bandages
and wasnt ready for those leaps and bounds.
part of me wishes I would have been
but the process of this year has proven that I need more fights
more falls, disappointments, and misunderstandings
because how else would we find truth and solitude?
the rust in my lungs has finally started clearing
the aches in my bones feel real and reminding
my fingers ache to be closer to you
to feel your hair and freckles again.
I don't deserve the world just yet
but in my eyes, you do
and I want to do everything possible to make you happy and comforted
and loved.

I said it at new years, and I meant it
this was a great year
not what I expected
but what I needed.