Friday, March 12, 2010

Since the disintegration of her parent's marriage she'd only love two things

And its times like these that I feel like Summer Finn.
Summer: You believe in that?
Tom: It's love, it's not Santa Claus.

This movie can explain more about me than I realized when I first watched it, while I was in a relationship.
after that relationship, I showed it to two boyfriends, not understanding Summer's view while I was in those relationships because of one thing: love.
or what I think love is.
truthfully, I think I have been honestly in love 3 times. that means 1/5th of my boyfriends. Sue me.
Since those times, and the disintegration of those three experiences, I have done only what seemed right to do, search for more love.
Aaron Schindehette captured my heart the first time he spoke to me, with his hair covering his eye and his "the used" shirt covering his skinny build. I couldn't stop thinking about him, and no matter what, he always made me happy. I did everything in my power for that boy, but I was wrong, SO so wrong to fall for him.
5 months, not many after we started dating, we ended. I wanted that kid to have my heart, but little did I know he didn't want it. He was in the midst of finding himself, changing for the better, and I was the one on the sidelines, the one with that huge stupid foam finger with a smile on my face and eyeliner running into my mouth.
So I bounced back, at the time I didn't understand what he was doing, that it was actually the right thing and I was just the unlucky girl caught in the net. In the right place at the wrong time. truth be told, I needed it. Man I'm a dense one.
Second, Jeremy Pearson. I can't state it any better than Christopher Gutierrez does, so here you go.

"you continually chase after that night he kissed you under the streetlights so hard it made you float back into your room to write a journal post about how amazing and perfect he was.
but he’ll never kiss you like that again,
and despite all attempts of re-living that night,
he will perpetually disappoint,
because that night despite all good judgement,
you idealised."

I fell (yet again) for a broken boy, one in the middle of a battle I could never hold a shield for, but he kissed me that way. He ripped the breath from my chest, but more than a year later after continuously wanting that night back, I gave up.
Then there is number 3, Aaron Locke. He was quite, nervous, and so held back one can't even believe how far he's come. I'm starting to see a pattern, are you? He was fun to talk to, and my last hope at believing love wasn't a fairytale, he was my last hope, my stupid decision hours after I said "fuck guys tonight, this one is for me". Months of battling and hurting and losing that nice shy feeling, I had to make a decision, this is one that I am less willing to talk about, because it really proves my stupidity. I feel wasted.
All that has come out of those relationships? experience. That's not what I fucking want, god damn you. I want love, I want a RING on my FINGER and a BOY at my SIDE to be there NO MATTER WHAT. But it's not going to happen, not for a long time, and no matter how much I feel like I am lying through my teeth, I need this, I love this, single is good.
Back to the beginning point - Summer Finn. She is broken. She is flawed and confused and fucked up from years that no one could replace. The only thing that keeps me going through this all is the end of that movie. Because no matter how many people you hurt, or how many hurt you, you need this. "You have to hurt and have the bad times so when we find happiness, we truly appreciate it".
I'm ready to feel it, hit me with your best shot, but don't come to me broken
I can't fix anyone anymore, my tools are rusted and breaking
and maybe this is for the best.

"This iron heart may be dented and rusted, but goddamnit, she’s a runner."

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