Sunday, June 29, 2014

When you have depression, everything feels like a fight.
It's a fight to turn off my computer and sleep, because I know what my mind does after the lights turn off.
It's an argument with myself to get dressed in the morning, because my body looks to much better without elastic and spandex and jeans cinching it together.
It's a fight to talk to my friends or family, because I hate every word that comes out of my mouth
and when things do come out, they usually aren't what I want them to sound like.
Depression is harder than rock climbing
it is sitting in your own skin, wanting to rip everything from the walls, burning your poems and stories, and leaving this fucking city.
Depression makes me question everything.
Did I say that right? Should I have bought that up?
That was stupid. I am stupid. I am worthless.
Depression for me is constantly seeing a dollar sign, and not being able to pay the digits
It's waking up in the morning and not being able to put a taste to the feelings in my head
It's day to day, hard to get up, hard to sit down, hard to look at anyone without second guessing yourself.
Depression is not the place I want to call home.

I want to be able to wake up smiling
Knowing it's an effort, but an effort to keep at.
I want to be able to talk to my boyfriend without blowing up, because I can't put these feelings into words that make sense to sensible people.
I want to feel liberated and stunning and beautiful
not misunderstood, shy, and frumpy
I can't get myself to put on make up every morning
but maybe covering up would help.
I wish it didn't.

I feel like I am stuck at the bottom of the kiddy pool
like vines have wrapped up my feet from the base of my existence
like everything I have ever done is useless and stupid and a time fill
and I don't want to feel like a regret.

Depression is not just confusing to the people on the outside.

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