the king of carrot flowers

it's those nights that you hear a song you tried to forget
that tears your disguise of strength off of your bones
and makes you realize that you are completely vulnerable.

"It's just a song, it cant hurt you."

the memories flood back, and I am on that terrible bed
laying so close to you I forget how uncomfortable my body is
and just lose myself in your laugh
it was those pink pants, they started my laughter
and you loved every minute of it.

driving down 405 brings back those memories like a rush
your song came on the radio, and I snapped
I realized I don't think I will ever be completely over you
and that might just not be a bad thing
it will just be a strange, painful ride.

"at least you tried, you're stronger than I am"
"at least you realized it wouldn't work, you're stronger than I am"
"at least you wont have to wonder if you made a mistake"
but what if I did? what if moving made me weaker, and uglier, an softer?
what if I stayed? what if I didn't move, or didnt move back?

all the questions fill my lungs as I take a deep breath in
I breathe out, and watch them leave
if only for a moment
I can feel everything
and I miss that feeling

One day, I will be that person I am striving for now.
one day, I will be able to not ask advice as a life saving tool.
one day, I will be great.
and nothing great
is ever easy.